The girl in my head

Let me just say even when you said you couldn't be her I thought you two are the same person, it's sort of obvious. Just try to let her out only if you want to and you don't have to do any big and sudden change, go do it step by step and you'll be able to let let girl out ☺ good luck and don't give up

 

This is amazing. This reminds me A LOT of what I'm going through right now. I'm in the beginning stages of becoming a trans woman (not hormone therapy yet, but things like hair shaving and cross dressing). My current girlfriend suggested that I was a two-spirit person. Something many indian tribes used to identify someone who was like we are, two people in the same mind and body.

When you said "She is my age certainly. She shares my personality and some similar physical features. But she is small and cute. I am big! The girl in my head cannot be me or could not be me. This bothers me." I felt exactly like you! I did! You said you could lose weight, so I presume your heavy set like me. I'm also a little big boned, people always told me I should've been a football player. But in my mind I want to be one of those skinny and small framed girls who can wear the shorty shorts and tank tops and look very appealing.

I also found the part and picture about cuddling to be very similar to myself as well. Whenever I cuddle my girlfriend, I obviously have the male role of the "protector", but I don't like it. Same with being in bed and "spooning", I don't like being the big spoon protecting her, I want to be held and feel safe like you say.

As for being yourself around your friends, find a way to tell everyone how you feel so that way you can let your girl side out. I've already mostly accomplished this and luckily my friends are okay open minded and perfectly fine with this. All I'm doing now is trying to lose a weight and let my hair grow out so I can have the beautiful long hair I've always wanted!

Good luck to you!!!

 

Awh! Ellia I know how you feel too. I feel almost like when I'm all happy and giddy all day on here I'm projecting him even though he's not me yet.. I wish I could be but life just isn't quite right yet for me either. But we'll get there

I just brought up the hypothetical to the boyfriend myself yesterday.. He naturally doesn't want anything to do with me be that the case but I'm kind of thinking of just telling him because that's easier then being like "hey fool you gotta go" At least then I won't feel like I lied in the end and hid it from him and feel like I left because I'm a bad guy like he's gonna try to act like I am. Maybe it's for the best that way. But from the you I know and what you said, I think she's you as well. Be proud of her and you! I am You're a great person and you know I'm here for ya if you need me oh and guuuurl, grow out your hair and be cute

 

First off OP, that post was, oh my gosh, that was poetry.

I went through this type of thing myself. But the male image in my head was really more of my self hatred side. I called him Charlie before I really knew what he represented. And Charlie would rattle my brain at night, and he'd insult my female frame. He led me to hating myself, and so i tired to silence him.

I tried to brainwash myself.

And it was going well. Whenever Charlie got turned on, or wanted to fantasize about having a penis, i'd beat myself with a wrench. Try to train myself not the acknowledge the thoughts. Because Charlie was a problem. And bruises heal. But I wasn't happy.

And i regret all my attempts to keep myself locked away.

Because now that i accepted myself, i still feel guilty.

I still see red when I'm Charlie, and that will hopefully fade with time (i highly doubt it).

My point is this, don't lock yourself away. If you're a girl, don't let anyone tell you different. Scream it from the roof tops.

Be yourself. Becuase you'll do more damage trying to fight it.

 

Awh! Kids are so cute and innocent and unbiased.. I really love that about them. I'd dressed like a guy once and my best friend's little sister told me I looked better that way because I looked happy.. I asked the same question and she said she just wanted me to be happier and hugged my leg.. Was too cute really >.<

Yeah I'm thinking it is best that I tell him as he really didn't seem violent or negative towards it aside from the fact that he wouldn't want to associate with me.. But shit that's kind of alright anyway because when I asked if my dad told him to leave, he got all dramatic and crap like "Oh I'd have to stop loving you because I can't do long distance it'd hurt to much" I'd rather skip the theatrics >.< xD

And yes we can! All I know is, I'm proud of you. And you're a great friend even though I just met you.. and sh*t are you funny.. holy crud. xD If I lived over in the UK, I'd be hangin out with you all day if I could. You're awesome.

 

bahaha yeah my old fogie parents are always saying they don't get how you can make a friend online.. well duh silly you find people who can relate to you and like you for you.. just like regular friends xD

 

This all rings true for me too thankfully my final year of university I'll be living with very supportive friends. Baby steps !!

 

Hey! Glad to see another Britain on here.

Personally, I think I understand what you're going through. I still have anxiety as I come to terms with being a Crossdresser. At first I always thought that being a crossdresser was just a cover up for being a full blown transsexual. But then i realised that I really like my gender and lifestyle. You mentioned at the start about not being able to sleep, relax, allow the thoughts to come.

They are only genuine if you believe they are genuine, thoughts that aren't genuine die off in time and only come back when called upon. If you believe you want to be that girl, then be that girl! If you believe it's who you are, then let it be!

Let It Be - The Beatles Live Studio HD - YouTube

 

Honestly, I would have to say that this sounds a lot like me. Not entirely, because I do really enjoy some aspects of being male, but I like some aspects of being female as well. If I had to choose a gender, it would be female. I have a girl in my head, too, but her image isn't really as strong as yours. But during middle school I spent entire months without talking to anybody about anything, and hiding every emotion that I felt. Even as I did that, though, the girl in my head wanted to scream her head off at everybody that I was depressed.
Honestly, I really wish that I had done that. My advice to you is that you listen to what that girl in your head tells you to do. Try to express the same emotions that she feels. Believe me, it will be difficult at first; almost two years later and I'm still trying to express myself more often. But it gets easier with time if you just let go. You probably won't be able to do it all at once, I know I can't, but if you take small steps toward it, you'll find that you and her are the exact same person, not just extremely similar.

 

This post is beautiful. I have felt the same way, just opposite of course. I pushed the boy in my head away and locked him up so no one could see. I pretend to be the girl everyone saw. It worked for the most part, but I was never truly happy. As soon as make-up was thrown on me or some form of girl clothing, the boy would kick down his barrier and just scream. I couldn't take it anymore. So I finally came to terms with him, and decided I will help him come out, instead of locking him away.

Yes, it's a long process, but in the end it's going to be worth it. So befriend that girl inside your head and help her come out. Trust me it's better than trying to suppress her.

 

Oh wow, where do I begin... ElliaOtaku, the way you describe it is so beautiful, makes me think of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly
But the most breathtaking for me is to see that there are people who's going/have gone through what I'm struggling with right now (bit later in life then the rest of you hehe), the very reason I ended up on this forum at all! Thank you so much for sharing. I'd like to share too, if that's alright. Going to try and make it as short and simple as possible, but I'm afraid I won't be able to phrase it as poetic.
I became aware of the man in my head years back. I was struggling pretty badly with anxiety and depressions, and he helped me through so much. But here comes where my story differs somewhat. After a while, there was another man, younger, completely different personality and looks. Getting to know him too, I started to realize that I had sort of split my mind into parts to deal with individually, one issue at a time. At a later point, there was a third man, with his own distinct personality and looks. Now, sorry to jump back and forth a bit, it's 2 am and on top of that, I'm not that good at putting thoughts and feelings into words. When I met the first man there was a short time I wondered if I might be transsexual. I talked to my boyfriend at the time, who was very unsupportive (though not abusive fortunately), so I buried the though. Back to having met the third man, I started to figure I might be dual, bi-gendered, or whatever it's called. My journey continued, and these three men had all taken a step back. I was exploring a fourth part of my mind, who was originally presented as a woman. She has ended up as a man too though, and last night I had a difficult experience that kept me up most of the night, and has kept me confused all day.
I have found that conversations with these parts of my mind helps me find and deal with suppressed issues. Daydraming also works very well, in fact these tools have helped me through the depression, self-destructive behavior, suicidal tendencies, and almost all the anxiety. And last night I had first one realization (not really relevant for this story I think), but it was suddenly swept away by the man in my head giving me a stare that went straight through my soul. It was like a dam broke, and all those thoughts and feelings around being a man just drowned me completely. The agony of being trapped inside the wrong body, and the absolute selfhatred. It's strange though, the man doesn't hate "me", just being in this body. I've managed to calm down after finding pages online about duality and also from reading a little in this forum. I still don't know if I'm fully transsexual, of if I'm dual. He hasn't really allowed me to feel that far today. My great sorrow, though, is that if I really am transsexual, I feel that, aside from the usual difficulties with changing sex, I don't think an operation would be satisfying. I have a friend who's going through the change (been a few years now, because of some health issues and money), and he's told me a little about how it's done, and the different kinds of prostheses they use. But it wouldn't really be the same. So I'm really really hoping I'm "just" dual, I can live with that I think. And let him out with people I trust, that won't judge, instead of suppressing.

Whoof, really needed to get that off my chest! Now I need to sleep, and tomorrow I can start finding out "what" I am.

 

This thread was a few pages back, but I figured I'd post a response on it anyways because it hit home so hard. I was just sitting in bed (sleepless, as usual), flipping through old threads trying to find something that could calm my mind down enough for me to sleep, and I found this one.

Your story is word for word how I feel right now. The girl in my head knew me better than I did, and she always got a little frustrated whenever I couldn't manage to express myself. She was softer than me and could tell someone that she just wanted to be held, which was something I could never manage. I always knew she was there, but I always just told myself that she was just a fantasy, a product of an overactive imagination.

I always had a name for her. I just knew, somehow, that her name was Sera. When I discovered RPGs, I let her take control of the characters sometimes. That always made her happy, and that made me happy, for some reason.

So, recently I started thinking about what Sera was a lot more during some of my sleepless nights. It's been a little really painful, but I've come to the conclusion, much like you, that Sera and I were the same. And it was like she threw a damn party in my head. Now I imagine her as standing behind me instead, hand on my shoulder, guiding me towards fully letting her out.

So now I've got an appointment with a therapist on Wednesday (which was a huge step for me, and took more than a little urging from Sera), and for the first time in a long time I feel like the future holds only good for me. I've made a massive leap in the last week or so, and it still scares me a little, but finding people like you and the others on this thread that feel the same as I do and being able to share my experience puts my mind at ease more than you can imagine. So I just wanted to say thanks for being there for me, even though you don't know me and it wasn't intentional. (*hug*)

 

Honestly, this reminded me of reading some Daoism at university.

In particular Zhuangzi.

Now i know it's religion, please don't kill me. But that school of Daoism is all about the ebb and flow. Life isn't something static. It's relative, changing, evolving.

I'm not saying this specifically to 'help' you, but just that it might be interesting reading for you.

All the best

 

This was not very similar to my experience, but I thought it was interesting how you described your feelings. I did relate to the body thing though, because sometimes when I imagine myself as a boy, I do say, but I'm not big enough... I could never be big enough to live as a boy. I don't know who I am really but I still see why that would be wrong. Boys and girls do both come in all sizes. Now I think it is more of an energy either way. You do just have to be you regardless of the obstacles!

Congratulations on making steps to knowing yourself better