I don't really think I'm genderqueer, but I've decided to discuss this because I just cannot figure out what my sexual orientation is. I know I like girls, I'm just not sure if I like guys or not. I occasionally feel sexually attracted to guys, but I never really want to act on my feelings. I've only felt romantic attraction for guys once or twice in my life and I didn't want to act on that either. I've come out as bisexual before, but I just can't handle calling myself bisexual. I just cannot accept being a bisexual female. I originally came out as lesbian, but no one believed me. Eventually I re-came out as bisexual. I felt okay about for a bit, but then I started to feel really uncomfortable about it. I don't really respect feminine bisexual girls. I'm okay with butch/andro or bisexual males for some reason. I decided to start this thread because of a conversation I had with gravechild. I like wearing girly clothing and I enjoy looking attractive, but I hate when guys hit on me or treat me like a girl in general. It's hard to explain. Occasionally I dress casually to avoid this.
Devil - I'm working my way through the whole 'where I fit in' thing myself. All my best 'friend' relationships have been with guys, both gay and straight. But despite 30 years of hetero sex (20 of it in a marriage), I too still cringe any and every time a guy comes on to me. Also like you, I enjoy my feminine things, makeup, skirts, heels... but I've never been a 'girly-girl'. So when I posted here trying to determine where all this put me in the rainbow spectrum, one of the guys (think it was Biguy) said I sounded like a 'lipstick lesbian'. Having never heard the term I looked it up. Didn't quite fit me, at least personality-wise, but I found this site that spelled out just about every perception of lesbian that apparently exists. You may or may not find it as interesting and entertaining as I did, but here you go: Label Me Lesbian: A Guide to Types of Lesbians by ~mayahuskee on deviantART And the second bit this wise 'guy' offered was not to let myself be dictated by a label, but instead just be myself. And if we're here, on EC, I do believe that we are looking for a way to do just that, so why be so concerned with slapping a name to it? Maybe instead we should just find the support and confidence we need, here among friends and like-minded people, to be true to what is right for each of us.
I've tried not labeling myself, but that just doesn't satisfy me. When I'm not satisfied I just go crazy. Calling myself a lesbian felt good for a bit, but then I had to deal with my nagging thoughts(not sure if they are attractions) about guys. If I try to identify as bisexual it just feels wrong. I know that I'm not straight. I ruled that out a long time ago.
Your gender identity can help make sense of your sexual orientation and vice versa. However, it sounds like you are just worried about your sexuality and hyperfocusing on it. During your entire post you didn't even really mention gender except to say that you don't like guys hitting on you as a girl. Are you saying you would like them hitting on you if they perceived you as more masculine? Because otherwise you just don't like guys hitting on you and that really has nothing to do with your gender. I think you are poisening yourself with labels honestly. Just forget about labels for a little while and see where your mind takes you. Bisexual and lesbian aren't actually real things, they are just words we use to generalize a set a of feelings that people have.
DK, this is some really good feedback from sguyc, don't focus so much on a label. Not to go all, 'I'm older and wiser' cause I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, but I'll use that fact to support what I'm about to say. You are so young yet. Yes, I know you are a sexual being. I began exploring (and enjoying) my sexuality (with girls) from about the age of 12 on, but I didn't reach full blown puberty until 16 (when I also had my first sexual experience with a boy) and it's widely recognized that the human brain doesn't reach full development until the age of 25 (by which time I was married for f*cks sake) so all I can say is don't pigeon-hole yourself. Go with the flow, grow, experience, refine your tastes, develop, morph and fuse. Life is a twisted road, it's not linear. Labels don't fit forever, we are complex beings and to be quite honest, most labels never fit or encompass or express all that we are, so stop trying so hard. It's not the destination, but the journey. You are just beginning on that road of self-discovery. Take your time, enjoy the sights, drink it all in. You've got a long way to go!
I say don't worry about it. My friend told me that I should just focus on liking people for who they are, not for their bodies. She told me that I would know what I am eventually, but until then, not to stress it!
I think... first comes desire. Then we give it names. If our desire doesn't fit what we've been told, and made to believe--the lables get out there ahead of desire and it all becomes terribly confusing. I don't think our bodies get confused, or worry about what others see as inconsistancies or contradictions. It's so hard to get out our heads, and our word-lives are a jingle jangle of stuff other people have told us. The answer to the question, 'what do I want,' I don't think has an answer in language--not first. Maybe later, looking back. What do you like to see? What do your fantasies--visual, sensual fantasies, what do they look like? Maybe this is different for women, but for me, masturbation fantasies were a dead giveaway once I stopped intervening and let them happen. Feeling good with what gives your body pleasure isn't selfish or bad ... it's just wonderful. I hope you find it.
