I hate this (text wall and 4 am angry rambling)

It's hitting a point where I can't stand myself. I want to look male so badly that it's utterly depressing me. I can't even do research now because I'll run across success stories of transguys or I'll find transition pictures. All they do is remind me of what I can't have. It makes me angry and jealous.

I told my mom back in June that I was questioning and wanted to see someone to sort things out. She agreed. Worst fucking mistake I could have ever made. First visit was great. I got along with the therapist. Next day, mom woke me up in an utter rage, and I still don't understand why. She just expected me to get put on antidepressants, me be on it for a few months, the medication not work, I quit them, and everything be fine again.

It only went downhill from there.

I took over the copay for the visits, since she refused to. From there, she started verbally attacking me weekly. Saying such hateful things as '[I'm] full of shit' that '[she] knows me better than know [myself]'. She'd just rant at me. Talking about how if she would have had a son she would have abused him since she's utterly terrified of men. Told me I had bigger issues if I was concerned about pronouns after I told her I prefer him/he to her/she.

The last visit I went, I brought her in hoping that it would help. Nope. That day I got verbally attacked several times. Got accused of wanting to mutilate myself, told that 'If want a dick [she] would buy me one that can take out of a box, play with and put it up when [I'm] done'. Told me that I was disgusting because I like men and want to top. That transgender people were just people that never got past the 'playing house' stage. That anyone who's chromosomes match their physical gender and thinks they're another gender needs psychiatric help. Oh, and surgery for anything that's not medically needed is mutilation. Also got threatened to get kicked out.

Twice.

Finally had enough when she outed me to my step-dad even after she specifically stated that we shouldn't tell him. Told me that if I wanted to be a man, she'd treat me like one. Namely, if I back talked, she'd hit me. That day, I worked with my step-dad since it was my 'first day of being a man'. We hiked the woods, marked dead trees with spray paint, talked about how he wanted to clear out sections to make small meadows. Then we moved some stuff into the tool building, and then put up some fencing. I enjoyed it. I didn't have to listen to my mother bitch about things I don't care about or have heard several times over.

That evening, I wrote an e-mail to my therapist, telling her that I was having to cancel. That was the middle of July.

I never got to talk about anything gender related because mom was also trying to claim I was bi-polar or had aspbergers, or anything else that might cause "duality" and I'd talk to the therapist about it so I could get mom to stfu for a week. But because the therapist was a woman, she thought that the therapist was wrong. Has the lovely opinion of "I was going to say whore, but she's not a whore. She's a bitch. All female therapists are bitches". No, the therapist backed her into a corner and made her stop evading questions.

Wrote her a letter about how I feel, how she makes me feel, etc. Ended up being a two hour session about her whining about her life and how she's been treated poorly by men. Per usual, I tuned her out because most of it was stuff I'd heard before or honestly didn't care to know.

A few weeks later, she came to me and started talking about past life mumbo jumbo. About how my thoughts of being male was from my previous life and I needed to learn something in this life and...I just sort of tuned her out because it was utter bullshit. It was basically summed up as being that I need to deal with what I have.

So, here I am. Utterly miserable in my own body, struggling to make myself look more male and all I see, at best, is a boy. At worst? I see a woman, who doesn't even quite look like that. I want to be a guy, but as long as I live here, it won't happen. Except, I need my parents help for university. I can't afford 25K a year on my own, and mom already said she doesn't want a son, and never wanted one.

I start university, hopefully, next year. Some might say to act like a guy there. Most likely? I'll be at a university that has sororities and fraternities. I'll automatically get stuck in the sorority. I'll most likely have a roommate as well. Not really the best situation for me to be in because honestly? Women are vicious. No, I don't care if that's sexist/misogynist/whatever. They are. I've experienced the blunt of their abuse far too many times.

Heh. Mom doesn't like men? I don't like women. Funny how that works. Irrelevant to my ramble though.

So. Yeah. Five years of being stuck looking like this. At that point, I'll be 30. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to move out of this shithole state and to one that's more transgender friendly. If I'm lucky. But right there, that's a good portion of my life. Is it even worth transitioning at that point?

I'm just tired of seeing these people younger than me that are getting to transition or have transitioned and going "Why can't that be me?"

I just want to be happy. Is that honestly too much to ask for? Given that I've never been happy, it probably is.

 

That's because there wasn't anything to mention. He just wandered around the house while she had a go at me. After I got shipped outside to 'be a man', he didn't bring it up, and neither did I. She never mentioned how he felt about things, but I doubt that if it was favorable she would have told me.

About the only thing I can manage with her is male haircuts/clothing. Even then she bitches. Literally bitches. She noted that my hair was getting longer and mentioned a haircut before launching into how she didn't like having short hair since it always needs cutting. Men's button downs? Complained about how they look sloppy and she doesn't like them.

Wrong wording. I meant that I'll be shoved into an all female dorm of 200+ women. Unfortunately, it's quite mandatory.

I have plans of moving regardless. They want me to stick around and take over the place, but there's no way I'll be able to take care of 80 acres by myself. Not to mention, Oklahoma rules for transgenders sucks ass. Complete gender reassignment for the documents to be updated. I intend to move to Washington state which doesn't have that rule. Plus the weather is better. I'd have to anyway if I transitioned. She basically stated that she'd disown me if I did.

No it doesn't. It's abuse no matter the genders involved. She never did, but I was ready to hit back and call it self defense.

Both are medical based and do have therapists, so that's not much of an issue. I just have to get into one of the schools first, which is the big thing. I have no idea what I'll do if I don't.

Unfortunately, it's so far in the future that it's hard to focus on. I'm trying to focus on the immediate things that I have to deal with, but even that's hard with how I'm feeling.

I didn't even question in my teens, so it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm a bit of a late bloomer, as it were. Can't say anything about menopause, given that I've always had issues with ah..'Shark week', as it's called, being timely. So, really, I don't know if menopause would end up coming at the right time or not.

Yes, bottom surgery is the biggy. I intend on top and getting the female organs ripped out lol. Though, it will be several years down the road, so things might improve by then. The main thing I want is the hormones. Top surgery, I guess, is more aesthetic and would allow me to be topless given how flat I am already. Admittedly, I hate wearing sports bras lol.

I get tired of all the negativity from her. One morning, she was ranting about how she hated the chickens, never wanted them, how they're a hassle, how the roosters are worthless. Cats screwed up over something minor, cue her ranting about how they're worthless. Last night, she ranted about how my cat is disgusting. My cat has a sensitive stomach and tends to throw up a lot. We've had her for 8, 9 years now. It's just something the cat does and can't help.

The thing is, depression is all I've known. I was diagnosed with it at 5 and have been on and off various anti-depressants since then. That feeling of "everything is wrong" has always been with me.

Quite honestly, I don't know what would be considered feminine and what would be considered masculine. The feminine qualities that are obvious to me are parts of my body, voice, and what not.

I've been told to "be yourself", but I don't have that. I've never known what's "me", beyond being cranky. I'm fluid. I hang out with someone, I pick up some of their traits. I stop hanging out, most of those traits go away. So...I don't really know.

 

There's a local PFLAG, but I won't be able to attend meetings. They have the meetings right when I'll be taking my technical course next month.

One university doesn't have a GSA just "Sexual Orientation Diversity Alliance". That one has more religious groups than anything. Still, there's mention of transgender and helping them work through issues. So, I imagine I'd be able to talk to someone there.

The other also doesn't have a GSA. The closest thing I found that even mentions gender has to do with gender equality for women and reproductive rights. There's some unofficial stuff, but it's more things that are around the university, resources and what not. What sucks is that it's all around the OKC area which is an hour and a half drive for me, at best.

I could be missing something, however. Neither website is easy to navigate lol. It'll be a case of getting in contact with people and talking to them, I imagine.

 

I was browsing a tumblr called 'The Art of Transliness', and while it has a lot of information, I got frustrated at all the success stories.

I just find it sad that she was initially supportive and did a 180. Per usual, she jumped to conclusions about my therapist, but then again, she hates therapists in general. College has been in the works for a while. I recently graduated community college and got all the pre-reqs out of the way. Now I'm gearing up for the PCAT and hopefully university.

I filed as independent last year since when I started college in the fall again since I was 24, and the cut off for being considered a dependent is 24. I'm quite familiar with the whole FAFSA rodeo. I always qualified for the Pell Grant and that almost always covered community college tuition. Plus I managed to get tuition waivers. As it stands, I'll be going into university without any debt, so that's a good thing. It'll still end up being close to 100K at the end of it all.

I just need to figure out how I want to present when I hit college and if I want to be out or not.

I'm just not looking forward to a roommate. I'm a fairly private person and don't look forward to getting bugged.

It's just frustrating because it'll be several years after I start T that I'll actually start looking male with facial structure and what not. Because I'm 4'11", I'll end up getting stuck as looking like a pre-teen boy for several years. Not that it's much different than being called a 14 year old girl, but still.

It's partly going somewhere where the laws are better, partly better weather, and partly getting away from my mother.

Well, not only do I have to do a personal essay, I also have interviews, so that's going to be fun, as well. Need to get myself some ties, yo.

The big issue with going out to groups is I'm in the middle of the country and known for not really doing anything. No friends, significant others, etc. So, if I suddenly start going places, it's going to raise questions. Plus there's the whole issue of paying for gas and what not.

I appreciate it. I just wish I was one of the lucky ones and had a supporting family.