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No gender

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by KelseyMS, Aug 31, 2013.

  1. KelseyMS

    Regular Member

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    I have absolutely no idea how to describe my problem. I'm really starting to believe that I don't have a problem, actually. It's just strange, because I have so many times where I feel so confused, I just want to scream. It always passes quickly, but it's still frustrating, trying to figure out why I feel so confused.

    I suppose the most confusing part for me is my gender. I like a lot of the aspects of being male, such as physical intimidation and accomplishments. But I also like a lot of the aspects of being female. I love women's clothing (and hate men's clothing with a passion), and I would love the idea of being able to shave all the hair off of my legs, chest, and stomach. Heck, I'm sixteen years old with about as much hair as a forty year old man. It just gets really confusing, because sometimes I feel like I would much rather be female, but other times I'm glad that I'm male. I don't have a cut-and-dry case (I suppose nobody really does) that can be defined in one word. I can't call myself transsexual, I can't call myself female, I can't call myself male.

    The only things that I know for sure is that I'm a cross-dresser, and that I'm bisexual. I don't even know my own gender, so I really don't care about that of my sexual/emotional partner. Also, the only person I can ever fantasize about having sex with is the person that I'm with. The idea of sex with anybody else disgusts me beyond all recognition.

    I just wish that I could escape all of the confusion. I managed to escape some of it, an aspect of it that gave me really bad headaches and made me positively irate. The physical conditions are gone; those were, in some bizarre way, my own choice. But the overall feeling of two equally powerful but mutually contradictory sides still remains. It makes me wanna curl into a ball and scream until my throat's raw.

    I have to admit, I've done a pretty horrible job explaining this. Unfortunately, my problem is just this extremely confusing, indescribable emotion always hanging over my head.
     
  2. Just Jess

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    Hi Kelsey,

    One thing that helps me sort through all this stuff is looking at this less as "what am I" and more "what changes do I need to make in my life to make it all work".

    One thing you mentioned was driving you up the wall was your body hair. What sorts of things are preventing you from shaving or even waxing a lot of your hair? I'm not saying that like "go and do it", you probably have very good reasons. I'm just saying it helps me when it's me, when I see what those reasons are, and then to think about what I can do about those problems.

    It's good that you've got a partner you're sexually compatible with. I can only imagine how scary it would be if there were only one person out there I could say that about.

    I hope you're having a better day tomorrow :slight_smile:
     
  3. Being agendered, or bigender are also valid points along the spectrum. I believe Owen, one of the Staff here on EmptyClosets identifies as agendered. I understand that to mean that you don't really identify as male, and you don't really identify as female and therefore you are also uncomfortable with pronouns that aren't gender neutral as well...

    Correct me if I'm wrong! But Bigender, Genderqueer, and Genderfluid seem to follow under the same umbrella.. to where you could be either/or and it wouldn't bother you one bit. That yes you may be assigned a certain sex at birth, but you also identify with whatever the opposite is as well (maleness) or (femaleness).