I don't know why.. I just feel the need to ramble. Why is it that I feel like I don't matter to my company or to anyone? I mean sure I have friends and all, but I'm just me -- just one of the guys to hang out with and drink a beer. Yet in my brain I'm not a guy at all, I'm pre-everything and MtF. But I have all of these broad shoulders, and I'm only like 5'7".. -- I naturally look muscular even though I'm flabby. I'm so grateful for my parents, they really try to listen to me even when they don't understand. I feel like I outright disturb my Mother by what I go through, and I hate that she has to take this walk with me. When I was a teenager I used to change my mind all of the time about what I believed or didn't believe. Committing to any one decision was always hard for me, much less committing to that one decision of transitioning. When you've always known yourself to go back on what you said, how can you trust that you'll ever finish through with anything? I wish people saw the Real Me. I hate the way I look, and I hate being forced into things by my job that I don't want to do. Yet I don't really have a choice in the matter either.. because if you're a company truck driver then all dispatch is forced. I don't know what to do, and sometimes it drives me crazy and I'd rather do something stupid like cut myself to ease my mind.. but I know I don't need to do that either... I just know I'm miserable and always have been, and I have to keep myself distracted so I don't think about it.. and I also know that a lot of my trans* sisters and trans* brothers on here are going through similar things... with a lot of the same emotional stuff. Anyways, thanks for reading...
Heh, there is no "just" about it. Everyone struggles to find themselves, their place in the world, but very few have to worry over self-expression as LGBT. I'm not a transwomen, but definitely have a feminine side that's been dying to break free and be acknowledged for years, barely being listened to, again. Keep in mind: the problem isn't you, but a hostile world that won't allow you to be who you truly are. I guess the question would be where you'd like to be, how much of it is possible, and how you'd like to get there. For me, it might just be slightly altering my outside appearance to match my internal identity, but for someone else, it could be hormones and surgery. I definitely get the whole hiding bit; gender has always been a thorn in my side.
I know how you feel! Until recently, I worked at a factory, where some of the stuff we had to do was lift stuff. And even though I was always perfectly capable of doing it myself, one of the guys would usually go out of his way to lift stuff for me. Which was really annoying, especially since I'm a transguy, so I always silently screamed in my head "I'm a guy, I don't need help lifting stuff!" And I'm starting at another factory soon and I'll prolly get treated the same because everyone sees me as a small fragile young woman. Being born in the wrong body is really driving me crazy anymore, so you're not alone. It's getting to the point where it's always dragging me down. My self-esteem is shot and I can't stand being in this body anymore. And I'm worried that my boyfriend will never see me as a guy, or he'll find a cisguy and leave me. But enough of my rambling. You aren't alone, and if you ever need someone to vent to, feel free to hit me up.
