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How can I help my questioning friend?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Holly, Sep 4, 2013.

  1. Holly

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    The other day, one of my good friends came out as genderqueer to me. I wasn't shocked. Why? I think immersing myself in the LGBT culture through this site has made me understand Gender Identity far more, so to me it doesn't seem like a weird thing to me, because I've talked to so many people who seem genuinely happy by being genderqueer/transgender.

    We're both the only LGBT members of our friendship group, so that has brought us closer together, and I'm super glad that she can share this information with me and trust me enough. She seems really down and confused about it all, and I'm not sure how I can help her. She thinks part of it explains her pansexuality - basically why she likes really feminine looking guys.

    While I've talked to people on here who are of the T* part of the LGBT society, I just want to get some advice on how I can help her? She seems really confused, and I know she doesn't have the best home life so she can't get a lot of support from there.

    If any of you can shed any light on supporting her, I would be massively grateful. While I questioned over my sexuality, I know how questioning yourself is so hard on your emotions, and I'm sure your gender identity is far more stressful.

    Many thanks.
     
  2. Emulator

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    Tell your friend to just be herself, she does not need to have a strict label. Most of the time people who conform to gender roles (i.e. labelling) are just limiting their behaviour to what is deemed suitable for their gender. People are dynamic. Keep open about it.
     
  3. Just Jess

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    I think honestly how stressful sexuality or gender identity are just depend on what else is going on in your life and how accepting people are of you. Being gay and telling your straight spouse, for instance, is always going to be incredibly hard. And you knowing about things and being someone to talk to is going to be a ton less stress on your friend.

    I would start off asking your friend what pronouns to use. Some people go for these, some people aren't picky, and some people like the singular they. It's possible your friend hasn't given it any thought, in which case you could try a male one out every now and then to see how it fits, or even go back and forth.

    Gender's a tough thing to really understand. If your friend isn't a boy or a girl, or sometimes feels like both, or just isn't sure, you've got to let your friend put things in 's own words. Just understand that whatever your friend is feeling, it's coming from a very real place, and it's a very natural part of who 'e is. Nature has no end to the tricks she can pull in this department.

    If your friend does identify as a woman, that doesn't close off the world of masculinity to her, and likewise femininity if he's a man.

    If your friend does ever identify as a man and/or otherwise feels like continuing to live in a female body is just breaking them down, and wants to seek out medical help, then that might be tough. Some of us just need to transition just like caterpillars just have to spin cocoons. At least we have better options now than we used to, people historically didn't fare too well in this situation before we had medical options. The situation for people under the trans* umbrella in this situation is getting better and better still, but any kind of transition is going to be difficult and costly. It may not be possible until your friend has left the house if parents aren't being supportive, and until then, your friend is going to need all the support you can give.

    Do you have any male friends? The reason why I'm asking, is it might be easier to shop for things like guy's jeans if you have other people to go with you. If you've got a group of people the same sex, it's easier to blend in as that sex.

    The best thing you can do really though is just be a friend. It's really great that you care so much :slight_smile:
     
  4. hof13

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    Agreed! be supportive of your friend and tell them not to worry about labels, because if you are not entirely sure, then you would not want to have to go back on your word. Take it from me. I came out to some friends that I was bi when I was not completely sure. Then I realized that I wasn't, I had to go back and tell them that I was wrong. Trust me, it ain't fun!