The need for justification to be who you are?

Hey, I understand what you are saying one hundred percent. Growing up, I wore pink princess dresses and acting like all the other girls. I didn't even like mens clothing until my highschool years, and even then I didn't go out in them. I have never had a childhood experience with my body being in the wrong place, and only started to even realize it when I was fourteen, about to befifteen. The earliest feelings I even remember were probably me joking that I wish I were a boy, and that was in middle school and I was honestly just kidding. I know what you mean by getting the whole "are you sure you're trans?" Thing
The media portray us as all-knowing at the ages of nine and lower, and that's true for some people, but not all people. When I first starting questioning myself, I couldn't think about the possibility of being transgender, because I thoughty gender identity was set by the age of ten or so, so it took me a great deal of time before I even started to question if it could be possible. I remember even talking to my mum about transsexuals, and even she told me that you couldn't be one unless you knew at age six or seven, reason being? She says that a teenager already knows who they are by that age and should not be questioning it because it is "impossible." When I told my older brother, he got very irate with me, and told me how stup. Kids my age were, he semi accepts it now, though he still hopes it is a phase
This frustrates me a lot, especially since I have a therapist-not for gender identity reasons-and would like to tell her, but I really don't want to hear that "are you sure you are?" Or "are you sure this is what you're feeling?" No, because that is very annoying, and it just complicates things even further. I really want people to understand that you don't have to have a childhood experience to be trans. Everytime I try to search up someones story or video for support, I either get a child or a person who knew who they were as a child, not saying there is anything wrong with that, but it makes things confusing. I often start questioning myself constantly just because I never experience anything as a child with wanting to be the opposite gender, or not that I can recall. People know very little about transgenderism and I feel they should get educated, or at the very least, realize that you don't have to be eight to know who you are! Sorry for rambling, your post just hit very close to home and I know how you are feeling. It could also apply to those who are gay, if they didn't realize it until later on and before then they dated, or seem attracted to the opposite sex, people will have a hard time believing them, even bisexuals. My own mum said bisexuals are just confused people who can't decide, and yet, I've been like this since the summer before my freshmen year of highschool. Well, that's all I have to say on the subject for now, again, sorry for rambling.

-Kisa

 

I agree, i get tired of the trans childhood experience narrative while not disregarding the people that do have those experiences. I didnt have a magical experience as a child, my childhood was normal and i enjoyed it for the most part. Yet my current state of being is very distressing and i am seeking medical treatment to be perceived how i want to be perceived.

 

I know I've been guilty of spilling my own childhood experiences places like this. My childhood was anything but normal. And as much as I really need to do that, just for me, I always have it in the back of my mind that someone's going to be reading what I write and think to themselves "woah that doesn't sound like me at all, maybe I'm not trans" or something. I mean my mind works like that too, it's crazy the things that will make me insecure some times.

I can say though with me, it's not that those experiences made me trans. It's more, those experiences, they're hard things to deal with, just by themselves. And they make more sense and are easier to deal with, now that I've realized I am trans. Those experiences didn't make me trans, my being trans made those experiences.

My being trans is just something about me, and those experiences were just times when I couldn't both deal with being trans and living as a boy at the same time. Other people without those experiences, just managed to deal with being trans more effectively than me. Or maybe it just wasn't affecting them that much early on in life and now that they're older and safer and more independent, something inside them was like "okay, the coast is clear, let's roll!" Or it could be a million other things.

So what I'm saying is, my story is just that. If you had a normal childhood, but now the trans is just coming on full force, that's just what happened.

I think the reason we feel like we have to justify it is just because the people in our lives treat transition like it's this terrible thing. Because to them it would be! I mean even without SRS, which must seem like a nightmare to a normal guy, you start talking about what hormones do - lower libido, softer skin, lower muscle mass - heck more just because I like being fit than anything else that last one even scared me; the first success I ever had losing weight was when I started building muscle, so here I am thinking great I'm not going to be able to exercise like I do now and my metabolism is going to go to hell - but in general, all the things we want, are exactly what men don't want. And it's a lot easier to put someone else in your shoes than the other way around.

And so when they talk to us, it's always got that tone, like "only do this if you absolutely really really must have to because it's terrifying and by the way don't do it". Which, you know, you and I are reasonable people, we see somebody freaking out, maybe they thought of something we didn't. What if, we start questioning ourselves, it all goes down hill.

So I think what usually helps me is just looking at where the ideas I have are coming from, rather than looking for ways for me to "prove" I'm trans. Or the other thing I do, is I ask, "okay. Living like a boy. What does that look like. Now living like a girl. What does that look like". That trick works for sexuality too I've found.

 

I certainly had no idea when I was a kid, and this makes me doubt myself sometimes - "how can I be a girl when I was ok with being a boy for so long?" But if I look hard enough I can find some possible explanations. So far it's not been enough to completely get rid of the doubts, but it helps.

I'm autistic - I haven't been able to get to a therapist to get this diagnosed, but enough of the things I've read about autism fit me so well, that I'm quite sure about this. All my life, I've had an incredibly difficult time connecting with other people, talking to people, making friends, anything like that. All my effort went into trying to fit in, trying to build a meaningful relationship with anyone, and I never succeeded, the best I ever got were a few casual friends.

So, of course I was afraid to be seen as feminine, or to show any interest in "girl stuff". I knew instinctively that that would screw up my efforts to fit in, and I wanted so desperately to fit in.

I don't think there's any truth at all to the claim that someone can't be trans unless they knew from an early age. Some people do figure it out early, and that's great, but life doesn't always go like that. For some people, the world has made a bigger mess of our lives, and it takes us longer to sort it out.

 

I am lesbian, but this relates to me as well--- when I was little, I dreamed about marrying Prince Charming (not Cinderella), having babies and a "perfect" Christian family. Although there was slight abuse in my childhood, for the most part it was wonderful and "normal". Looking back, I can see little signs of being gay (only being very attached to women), but no "huge crushes" or "self-denial", that other kids experienced. I only started to feel different during puberty... But I totally get your "justification" reference--- people ask me all the time (well the few that I'm out to), "how do you know... How long have you known"... And my answer is confusing to them!

 

When people start asking "are you sure?" the need to justify being who I am becomes this immense priority. But what do I say? It seems like whatever I say to try and explain, it's never enough. And then I get to thinking maybe I'm not trans at all. Maybe I'm just a confused girl with some other issues that need to be addressed, and once they are, that'll fix me.

Sure, when I was a kid, I would play rougher than some of the boys I knew. And there were moments, even back then, when the idea of being mistaken for a boy really thrilled me. But at the same time I wore dresses, fussed with my hair, and didn't see the appeal of professional sport one bit (playing is one thing, it's engaging, but why watch other people play so obsessively?) I painted my nails and accepted myself as a girl, albeit a little tomboy. At least until puberty. That's about where I started to realise something was up, and even then it didn't really hit me full swing until a few years ago. I didn't even know that transguys were a thing until then.

But stories like my own don't seem to be enough for some people. "Well if you were fine being a girl, why do you want to be a guy now?" "But are you sure? What makes you think you might be trans?" "You don't really seem like a guy though."

Hell, I guess I don't. I wore skirts and makeup all through high school. And then there's the part where I like guys. Which is utterly unrelated to my gender, but it's apparently enough for people to posit the theory that I can't be trans.

Do my childhood experiences invalidate the discomfort I experience daily now? Of course not. But it really feels like I need to jump through hoops and pick all the right answers to even get a shot at being gendered correctly, since it wasn't "always clear from the very start".