Let's start out with this. My sex is female and I'm exclusively attracted to women. I have a lot of genital dysphoria in general. When I was in relationships, I would feel really offended and hurt if my partner thought I was 'hot' or 'sexy' because it meant they were attracted to my female form, which I absolutely hated. I would even feel upset if they called me their 'girlfriend'. And if I masturbated, I would always think of suicide or engage in genital mutilation because touching female genitals just felt so wrong, so out of place, so disgusting. The only type of porn I could even enjoy was male masturbation porn. Not because I was attracted to it, but because the visuals made it easier for me to imagine that I was the male in the video. As for the sexual problems, I don't know if I would be happy in a typical "lesbian" relationship. I have a need to penetrate another woman with a penis, because I think It's more intimate in some ways such as having face-to-face contact (something I strongly desire). But I hate the thought of being penetrated anywhere and it worsens my dysphoria, so I don't know how hard it would be to find to find a lesbian that enjoys regular penetrative sex without ever expecting to reciprocate. Other sexual acts probably wouldn't work out for me. I have a strong level of sensory integration dysfunction, so it would probably be hard to give oral sex without vomiting. I haven't tried it to know, but I fear that if this is the case, all my relationships would be destroyed since we couldn't find anything to agree on. And even if I was okay with it, I couldn't live on oral sex because I wouldn't be getting the face-to-face contact that I desire. I wonder if part of this is because of the societal view that only vaginal intercourse counts as a "real" first time. I want my first time to be special and memorable and I have a huge fear that my partner won't "count" it as the "real deal". I remember feeling hurt and invisible when my straight friends would talk about their 'first time' or their 'loss of virginity' when I couldn't fit in by their standards. I wanted to understand what that level of intimacy was like with someone I was attracted to, and the more I think about that, the more I hate my body. However, I still cry a lot and am fearful of many things. This makes me unsure of coming out as male, because I know It's a huge social stigma for men to behave that way. Even with that fear, I feel having a male body would make me happier, but at the same time I'm also afraid of the pain of surgery and future changes. I'm not really sure what gender I truly am, since I relate to both, but yet I relate to neither, while having body dysphoria at the same time. So I'm not really sure where I stand. If I'm FTM, neutrois, or just having a fetish for having a male body.
There's no real way for anybody to know but you. I was out as genderqueer for a few years before I figured out that I am actually FTM, and I know quite a few people who have gone that route (genderqueer > then transgender) I will tell you that all of the genital dysphoria and urges you described, are very common for being transgender. My best suggestion for you is to do some non-porn related research. If it wasn't for trans videos on YouTube I mightve never figured out I was FTM - or it mightve taken me ten more years. Go on youtube, search for FTM transitioning or FTMtranstastic and watch some videos of trans guys who are documenting EVERYTHING. They talk about their dysphoria, their life pre-FTM and a lot of them document month by month on hormones and after surgery so that other questioning people can have the answers they need. Oh and know, that sexual identity and gender identity are two totally different things. You could be trans AND have some sort of fetish or sexuality things too. I think you should look into seeing a gender therapist, that helps too! Good luck on figuring it out. I know its hard dealing with so many down feelings and so much confusion.
