I've recently started coming to terms with my transgender identity. As a married man with young children, this has all (as you might imagine) been completely internal so far, except for one trial-session with a therapist. It was the first time I ever got to talk with somebody about these lifelong feelings. It was scary, yet when I finally said to him "I think I'm transgender" it felt like one of the first true things I had ever said. The more I accept it internally, the more I wonder how the important people in my life have never picked up on it before. I notice little things, like how I sit when relaxing on the couch, how I cross my legs, how I stand when I'm at the bathroom mirror, and it's like they're blind to how feminine I am already. They don't understand why I happen to be one of the "exceptionally rare men" who seems emotionally open, gentle, sensitive and compassionate. And scared of bugs. I feel the conversation starters boiling up in my mind whenever I'm around my wife anymore, but I don't think she's going to understand that internally, I've been a woman all along. When we were dating, her bisexuality was a point of pride for her. Now though, that seems to have waned somewhat. I love her more than anything, and can't stand to hurt her by just blurting out "maybe you fell in love with me BECAUSE I'm wired mentally like a woman". This can only end in tears, I know. Somehow, I've got to figure out a way to break it in the most gentle way possible so she can help me figure out where we're going next. I know in my heart I'm a woman on the inside, and figuring this out has felt like I'm finally getting to know myself. What I don't know yet is how far down this road I want to go, and I don't think I can figure it out on my own. I still want to be married to my wife, I still want to be a father to my children in every way that I can. Does anybody have words of wisdom, advice, etc.? This blog is really helping me organize my thoughts, and I'm tempted to just let her read something from here, but that also seems WAY too blunt.:help::icon_redf
I'm not married, but I just recently started coming out as FTM transgender while in a very serious relationship, and I am also a parent. I would definitely recommend continuing with therapy. That's a really good and safe space for you to be able to talk out loud and process how and when to tell your wife. Chances are that it will be a bit of a surprise, and she will go through all the stages people go through when somebody that close to them comes out. If you feel like this is truly who you are, and you want to make all the changes to live your life as a woman - eventually you will need to tell your wife. But there is nothing wrong with being "questioning" while you go through therapy and keep doing some "soul searching" on this site and others. Check out the "LGBT later in life" section in this forum Google search for coming out to partners, coming out letters, etc. Reading other stories of people who have come out will really help you. If your wife is really bisexual, hopefully her love for you will stay strong and you guys can figure this out together. But I wouldn't come out until you are absolutely certain you are going to live your life as a woman. And I don't know how old your children are, but my daughter is 2.5 years old and something somebody else told me is that if they are young enough when you transition, they will only know you as who you transition into. Even if they are old enough to remember the transition, chances are they will take it better than you think. There will always be an adjustment period but kids are really amazing when put to the test. The transwoman who runs the support group I attend came out when she was in her 40s. She was married, with step children and nephews. She transitioned and made her marriage work ON TOP OF THAT her nephews would constantly correct people who misgendered her while she transitioned. Somebody would slip up and use male pronouns and the nephews would go "No its SHE now!" When she told me that story my heart lit up. Just knowing that kids really do take to those things a lot better when they are younger. I wish you the best of luck with all this and just keep searching around these forums! They really help!
Our kids are VERY young; my daughter just turned 1 a few days ago and our son should be here in less than 4 weeks...It warms my heart to think that I could, in the future, be a woman and still be their dad. I suppose whether my wife stays with me or not, that will end up being the case. Makes me more optimistic to hear that there's a good chance they'll accept me as I want to be. With her 8 months pregnant and our daughter running around now, she's getting the "crash-course in motherhood"...constantly tired, not usually interested in love-making (I'm always happy to instigate though;-), and we don't get much time together with me working as much as I do. I brought up vaguely "seeing a shrink" and she replied "I don't know how I feel about that", then got awkwardly silent. She hates knowing there's something I can't talk to her about. I hate the thought of seeing a therapist behind her back. I know a couple transgender people, an FTM from my high school class, and a MTF regular customer at work. We're really not much more than Facebook friends, but still I'd like to reach out to them. I'm stopped by fears that they might tell someone else. I'm kinda starting to feel like I'm mentally backing myself into corners. Thanks for reading and replying, transqueer. It means a lot that you took the time to hear me, so thanks ;-) (*hug*)
You know, chances are that if you talk to somebody else who is trans, they won't go around outting you because they know what its like to be at your stage of coming out, and I'm sure they didn't want other people outting them before they transitioned. Just try and stay positive, and really do what is best for you.
Hi, Wow, you are on quite a journey. I think you should continue to see your therapist and figure stuff out there. Also, keep a diary, about how you feel, and when you feel most trans, and when you feel least trans, like to see when it comes up the most. Good luck!
