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I just want to feel right

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Basementstuck, Sep 14, 2013.

  1. Basementstuck

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2013
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    Location:
    South Dakota
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    A few people
    For about 4 years, I haven't been sure of much in my life. Even now, I'm pretty lost.
    I never had much interest in my peers in elementary school, with the whole silly dating games and such. I was pretty indifferent, being the introvert I am. I just stuck to my few friends and to my books.
    In middle school things changed a bit. I fell in love with my best friend, this amazing, flamboyant yet troubled girl, though I didn't realize it until two years later, in 8th grade. This was about the time people started being jerks to me about EVERYTHING. I was basically being bullied, according to the therapists I saw months later.
    In November, I came out as lesbian to a few friends, the one I loved being the last. I started dating a girl. I attempted suicide because I made a mistake. Then I lost both the friend I loved and my girlfriend, along with all my other friends but one.
    Now, nearly two years after these ordeals, I'm stuck again. I identify myself as Pansexual but I haven't told anyone but my current girlfriend and a few random internet peoples. I guess I'm not so lost on that part. But when it comes to gender identity and such... I have no idea.
    I feel terrible in my body almost all the time. I hate being biologically female. The pain and hassle of my period, the fat I can't seem to lose, the curves that I hate, the annoyance of breasts, and all the gender roles that come with being female. I hate myself and my body. Hate it.
    But on the other hand, to be as masculine as a cismale or even a transman... I'm not sure I want to go that far. I've looked into the topic of FtM transitioning very deeply, and as much as I wouldn't mind getting ready of my god-awful tits or cutting out my ovaries, I don't think it would help. I don't think going on T would be right for me. I don't really care about 'passing' or having a male name or to legally be gendered male.
    I just want to be comfortable in my own body and I don't know how to do that or what to call it. I'm not sure if this even makes sense, but any advice that people may have would be greatly welcomed. Thank you.