Presenting as true gender- anxiety gone?

So yesterday, I was presenting male for most of the day. At a Renaissance faire, percieved as male by most people I came across. Only a couple people seemed overly confused but wasn't addressed as female once by anyone (actually seems like people avoided gendered greetings with me, but I did get "m'lorded"). I was out with my support group, so had the right name and pronouns used and introduced with, etc.

But coming back (and switching back to a feminine presentation), got me to thinking about, of all things, my mental state.

I have anxiety and most of the time, my head won't shut up. Always hyper aware of my body and presentation, worrying about future events, how I'm perceived, jealous of every cisman, etc. Excessive visual and audio stimulus stresses me out, can't focus on anything, grow snappish and irritable, can't relax or get my head to shut up and let me be.

At least when I'm presenting female. When I'm presenting male, it's a different story.

So presenting male (not limited to Ren faire, I present male when alone or at my support group) I'm still mindful of my mannerisms and presentation but I can actually focus, keep a clear head. Able to relax, especially since I'm in a binder and don't have my chest constantly reminding me of its presence. Future events, don't concern me. Able to live in the moment and it's a nice feeling. Not perfect, anxiety doesn't vanish completely, but definite change from before.

Wonder if anyone else goes through the same thing when they're presenting as their true gender. Any of you? Because I'm starting to wonder how deep my dysphoria's run all these years.

 

Yeah. I mean, I suppose it depends on how you pass. But for me, masculine presentation just comes naturally (despite feminine socialization). I spent years worrying that I wasn't coming across as "lady enough" so once I began coming to terms with my gender and presentation, feels nice to kind of slip back into what's coming more naturally to me.

Ren faire- I'd recommend hitting one if you need a place to practice passing. If you go into costume, costumes are always pretty gender segregated so not going to have a lot of ambiguity with peoples' gender presentation. I'd worn something explictly designed to hide the curves (muslin shirt, belt, pants) and once the binder was factored in, I had more of a box like silhouette.

In a pinch, got any conservative small towns you can try? A metropolitan area's going to be more liberal so you'll have women who feel free to express more masculine and you'll be more likely to be misgendered as a woman. In a conservative area, someone who looks ambiguiously male will be more likely to be tagged as male. But play it safe regardless.

Otherwise, I've never passed publicly in street clothes. So I couldn't tell you if it'll be the same story on campus, etc.

 

Yeah, hit one up. Couldn't hurt to try.

And as far as passing goes... What do you think's the biggest obstacle you have to passing successfully?

 

It's such a euphoric feeling whenever I pass as male, of when educated people respect me being non-binary and are willing to refer to me/view me as androgynous/GQ. Being sir'd can make my entire day, and I'm generally a lot more upbeat and confident when I dress masculine and when I'm not misgendered.

The only part I don't like is when I have to talk... still all kinda goes downhill from there. :\

 

Yeah, talking's my biggest issue. The only way I got around it was by barely speaking, only when I absolutely had to. So friends actually covered for me. One guy happened to notice "Hey, you're awfully quiet." "Yeah. That's Byron. He's just the quiet type."

Not a realistic option in the long run, especially once I hit college.

So yeah. I'd post a link but I've posted on the site in question- there was a trans activist and writer who wrote about her experiences with indirect gender dysphoria. A lot of what she mentioned were symptoms I'd once attributed to possible aspergers. For instance, reality seems fake, mind wouldn't shut up, heightened anxiety, etc. She happened to mention these symptoms lessened as she presented more feminine and outright disappeared once she began HRT, which proved to her that what she was experiencing wasn't merely depression or anxiety but gender dysphoria and it had been a lifelong issue.