I came out as transgender to an old friend from high-school who is ftm. He lives out of state, which is why I picked him over the mtf friend I have as a regular at work (it's only a matter of time...baby steps). He seems very well adjusted in his life, as far as I can tell from the happiness he shares on Facebook. I wrote the message out, thinking I'd keep working on it later, then my wife walked in and I panicked, hit the send button, panicked a little more, then shut my phone off and waited. What's done is done. The funny thing is, it made it seem more real somehow. It's officially out there now, whereas before I could always shove it back down inside of me and move on with life. I immediately felt better. Lots better, in fact. Even having one person who knows was a great feeling. We've been chatting for a while now, and it's so comforting to have someone for once in my life who knows...I'm sure some if not most of you understand. I've started working on a pros/cons list...I have a major compulsion for lists. This one has 4 columns, M+ and M- (pros and cons of staying male), and F+, F- (pros and cons of transitioning completely). I'm seeing tons under the F+ (things like body/mind alignment, calmer libido, reduced risk of prostate cancer, more clothes, slowing of balding, I'd have to quit smoking [i know i know, i should anyway] etc.) Under F-, I see a lot of scary things, such as risk of hate crime, breast cancer, crazy expensive, hormones and mood swings, and fear for my marriage. A lot of the entries in this category seem like potentially non-issues though, depending on how well my loved ones take it. There's a lot under M- too, (panic attacks, depression, anxiety, etc..) but not as much as either F column. The few things under M+ all seem to be related to "male privilege" or keeping the status quo. Things like "job security" and "being a good male role model for my son". I don't really know what this list is supposed to do, other than clarify my feelings, but I DO know that I NEED to be clear when I come out to my family. Speaking of being clear, today I sat with my mom and gave her the "totally vague softening-up" speech I'd been mentally preparing. I kept it to the truth, yet never touched on gender issues. I told her that I've been reevaluating my life, and I feel like I'm not the person I should be, that I need to redefine myself. I said I've been getting depressed about my career, my life choices, "lots of heavy things". Her reaction was completely loving, which I expected, but her words were oddly on target, as if I had told her I'm trans without realizing. She said "If you feel that you need to reinvent yourself, change your looks, get a new name, whatever, you should do it and you shouldn't be afraid. Life is about change, and people change." I was floored. I was tempted to say "Mom, I'm transgender" right then and there, but I started to shake. (I get panic attacks sometimes when I do feminine things like crossdress, they're like really mild seizures, as if all of a sudden I'm FREEZING even though I'm not. They don't last more than a minute but talk about a sign of repression) I told myself it wasn't yet time, I'm not ready, I don't have my script, and only then did I calm down. My number one concern with Mom is her telling Dad. They're so close, their relationship is so good...and it's such a huge secret I'm asking her to keep, while delivering a major shock to her system. It tore her up inside when she was hiding the fact that she smoked cigarettes from him. TORE. HER. UP. Over cigarettes. How's she going to handle this?? My dad, being a very stubborn and religious conservative, will not take it well I know right now. Worst thing is, I know my mom too, she'll most likely keep my secret simply because I'm begging her to and she loves me, but she'll utterly resent having such a big secret to keep until I complete this process. I'm not really expecting advice, I'm just starting to like this site a lot. It's like my diary. :rolle: So thanks for reading. Oh and I'm giving lots of thought to my name, but the one I have has a gender neutral nickname...anybody out there keep their gender-neutral name through transition? Did you find a feminine version of your male name? I'm curious about your individual stories on this, so feel free to share how you re-named yourself. (*hug*)
I'm very happy to see you taking your "baby steps" to start your new life! And I think you should transition. Of course you will have to face a lot of bad things under the F- list, but if you don't be yourself, you will be just a sad man wasting the only life he have to enjoy. Anyway, you are being very brave and makes me very happy! I love to read those kind of stories! About names: My birth name starts with 'G' and it's italian. My name is german and it's Alexei. So, it's not the male form of my birth name, it's very far from that! I always liked the name Alex. So, when I came out as trans to my siblings, father and stepmother, we were talking about this name. Then my sister came and asked: "Why don't you re-name yourself as Alexei? I love that name!". I fell in love with Alexei imediatly!
Thank you so much, Alexei! I have a feeling it's going to be close friends first, then once I know I have a safe place to go if I get kicked out of anywhere, family is next. If you love hearing these stories, I'm going soon to post about how my first "in person with a good friend" coming out went tonight. So far I'm out to a therapist, 2 friends on Facebook and now officially one person in my daily life, my best friend Alexander. ;-) Thank you for your kind words of encouragement! They mean a lot to me!!
Should you Transision? This comes up now and then. It is for you to take a look at and answer truthfully. The concept is that you are answering from a point where there was no fear. Some people rail against these types of questions because they consider it a test, in a way it is but instead of rating things, this is an excercise to to get at what you feel in your heart, and to say if i could live my life without fear on this issue, what would I do? 1. If I had a magic button that you could press that would make you wake up tomorrow as a girl, with everyone else understanding you and relating to you as a girl, irrevocably but painlessly, would you press it? 2. Alternatively, if I had a magic button that you could press that would make you wake up tomorrow still as a guy, but without any of the gender issues you've been having, not questioning your gender, and able to live happily as a guy with zero dysphoria, would you press it? 3. If I had both of those buttons, which one would you rather press, all other things being equal? 4. If I had a test that could tell you if you were a guy or a girl, which answer would you be hoping for as you took it? Which way would you try to skew your answers, if you did (consciously or not) try to skew them in either direction? 5. If you washed up on a desert island, by yourself, but with any amount of both male and female clothing, with no hope of rescue but otherwise everything that you needed for a relatively healthy and happy life, would you choose to present as male? female? neither? a mix of the two? one way some of the time, the other way the rest? If for some bizarre reason a lifetime supply of hormones washed up with you as well, do you think you'd take them? What if you washed up with the button from the first thought experiment - in a situation where you were by yourself, would you press it? 6. Let's say I had a test that asked about all of the things, very thorough, and at the end it would tell you, with 100% accuracy, whether or not you were trans. So you take it, and it tells you, "Well, you've got some mild gender confusion, but you're definitely not trans, and you shouldn't transition." How would that make you feel? 7. On the other hand, what if the test told you "Yup, you're definitely trans all right, and you should probably start planning your transition." - how would you feel about that?
