My Vent Hi again, So after my last thread here, I'm starting to think that I might actually be a woman, as much as my fat ugly masculine body begs to differ. As a child, I remember doing a bit of gender bending - I was playing dressups with one of my friends when I was 3, and I remember picking the tutu all the time. I also remember covering my hair in a yellow towel, and tucking my penis between my legs, pretending that I had long, blonde, feminine hair. When I went swimming with my mother, I was scared of changing in the mens' room and instead went into the womens' room with mum. It stopped after a while, though the self consciousness about changing in the mens' room remained - though that could've been because of this small, gangly, mutilated appendage between my legs, or my weight, so I changed (and urinated) in toilet cubicles. During a sex-ed class when I was 10 or 11, we were watching a video on the process of a pregnancy, and I remember saying that I wished I was a woman so I could experience childbirth. I also thought about travelling back in time to get my parents to have an older brother, and that I was born female. Then high school came, I started questioning my sexuality, and entering the workforce. I remember looking for work at a bank, and noticing that the womens' uniform was nicer looking than the mens' uniform, and that I'd ask for the womens' uniform if I got a job there, but I didn't know that transgenderism existed, apart from being major elements in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, and an offensive episode of South Park. After a while, it stopped, apart from some thoughts of going to a high school reunion as a woman, I came to terms with being gay, and started coming out. However, I've started feeling dysphoria now that I'm out, and I've been having thoughts of living my life as a woman. I've thought of some names, and am planning on wearing the womens' uniform when work transfers me to a new role interstate. I've never really been able to get along with other men, unless they were much older than me, and I got along best with tomboys. Maybe I'm overthinking or rambling or whatever, but I feel that I have to get this off my chest. I'll be going to see a psychologist soon to talk about a number of things, and I will talk to him about this too.
I just wanted to say that a lot of what you've written might well have been taken from a page of my own life, and especially the bit on wanting to experience childbirth, being something a transwoman from another forum mentioned as being one of those "light bulb" moments that helped her come to the conclusion that she was a woman in a man's body. It gets confusing, gender, and especially when sexuality comes in the mix, since you can't be "gay" for liking men if your identity isn't that of a man in the first place! If you don't mind me asking, have you any experience with the transgender community outside of EC? I was able to connect with gay men on some levels, and there might have been a bit more understanding, but something was still off. There is the possibility that you're jumping to conclusions, but I say the best test is time, to see where these thoughts go. You wouldn't be the first to come out as gay before transgender, an unfortunate side-effect of ignorance of trans issues, but the only way to be sure is to talk it out, listen to the stories of others, and really being honest with yourself. It won't happen overnight. Two sites that have helped, along with EC, were Laura's Playground and Susan's Place. Either way you decide, you have my support and best wishes! Feel free to drop me a wall message any time.
