More-or-less indifferent towards pronouns

I'm somewhat the same way considering my frustrations of trying to correct innocent mistakes, and I'd rather just roll with however people refer to me. While female pronouns do irritate me usually, I understand I'm very feminine in nature as well as linguistically. If I'm "misgendered" on the internet, it's understandable. I have a feminine way of writing.

This also translates into the real world, too. So, I don't expect everyone to automatically think, "Well.. that very feminine, flamboyant, androgynous... female(?) over there sure comes across as male. I'll be sure to use male pronouns!". I've learned to become indifferent. I also dislike how much of my transness is incorporated into everything I do, and it's just another source of aggravation if I become overly worked up about pronouns. I actually want to have fun, without having to preoccupy my mind with worry if the waitress, or guy working the ticket booth, or the person I'm speaking with is going to address me as sir or not.

While, I do understand the frustrations that come with being misgendered, especially for binary and non-binary folks who definitely want to be recognised and acknowledged as their gender. I'm not trying to downplay that at all. I'm just more lax about it than I used to be, and I believe that came from learning to finally be comfortable with myself and not let others influence my gender or how trans* I really am, if that makes sense. I'm confident in my gender, so if someone misgenders me, that doesn't invalidate me. But this isn't the same for everyone, of course, and everyone should be respected of their identity and how they want to be referred by.

 

Yeah, I'm in the same position. Pronouns can be more confusing than they need to be. So I'm fine with whatever someone labels me as, so long as it's not "freak" or something derogatory, and that I know it's me they're talking about. Not trying to be egotistical or anything, but rather so that I know that it's me that they're calling and not, say, the person in front of me so that the correct person knows they're being referred to and there's no confusion.

 

I guess I'm kind of the opposite of y'all, at least right now. She and he just don't cut it for me (although only strangers quickly glancing at me without hearing me speak ever gender me as male). I'm comfy with they/them or xe/xir and not much else, so I'd really much rather people ask. Although I don't really care which of those people use, I pick they/them just so I can have a simple reply.

I'm curious though as to your experience, gravechild (and others). I'm having trouble wrapping my head around why it would be so annoying. Have you tried just responding with "use whatever you want?" Does answering the question stress you out, or is it just an annoyance? If you don't mind talking about it, I'd like to understand better!

 

If you look like a guy or a girl you shouldn't complain and get upset about getting gendered as the gender you look like... its not some conspiracy to invalidate your identity its just the way people think.

 

My opinion on this idea is that it doesn't have to be this way. Our society defines gender as a binary, you are either a girl or you are a boy, there is no in between. In reality, many people do not fit tidily into either of these boxes. When most people see a stranger on the street, they sort the individual into one of these boxes based on a few criteria as they decide the person looks like a guy or a girl.

Well, I am currently in an environment that has torn down a lot of those criteria. I go to a women's college, but we have a quite large population of people who do not identify as women. Our admissions policy states that you must be legally female at the time of application, but we do not make trans*masculine students leave if they come out or transition after that. Because of this, the day to day contact most students here have with men, is with trans*men, many of whom still have breasts, hips, high voices, etc. What I see around me is that it really isn't that difficult for people to internalize new definitions of man, woman, and non-binary genders (although my college is still working on the last one).

So although I do understand that many people are not being intentionally transphobic when they unconsciously misgender people, I don't believe we should say "well, that's the way it is, too bad," because it absolutely can change.

 

Since I haven't really come out as agender, I haven't asked people to refer to me by neutral pronouns. When I do come out though, I don't think I'll specify which pronouns to use. I guess I've been gendered as female for so long that I don't really care if people call me by those pronouns. The only thing I don't like is when people assume that I will fit into female gender roles because of my physical appearance. Mentally, I don't feel like I fit into the gender binary. However, I do want to respect other people's positions, so if I misgender someone, I will change my pronoun usage if I am notified of my mistake.

 

So how am I suppose to know that the person across from me with hips and breasts and a high voice doesn't identify as female?

 

You ask It's totally okay to say, "is it alright if I ask what pronouns you prefer?" In some communities, you introduce yourself with your name and your pronouns, "hi, I'm Briar or Bry (they/them/their), and my favorite flavor of ice cream is... rocky road." It's also cool for people to introduce themselves with their pronouns, even if they are cisgender or completely passing. There's nothing wrong with saying "Hey there, I'm Laura (she/her/hers)." (By the way, that sounds like it's just separated with commas, "Hey there, I'm Laura, she, her, hers." No other words are necessary.

 

That makes sense, thanks for explaining