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Not exactly sure who I am.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by NID, Oct 4, 2013.

  1. NID

    NID
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    Hi,

    I'm NID. I just found this forum, so i guess this is an intro thread? So I figured I'd post here since it seems like such a nice place! I'm biologically male. For most of my life I'd identified as male. At maybe around age 10 or something, there was a program that was talking about a father who became a mother and began living as her correct gender. I wanted to know what that was, because, as a child, I wanted to learn. My dad promptly turned this off, insisting that "those people are weird". Regardless of that, I actually thought about what it might be like to be a girl. I liked the idea, and it came up sometimes, I sort of daydreamed about it at times. It seemed to be nice. I liked the idea. Then looking back I don't know if I was the average "boy" or the average "girl". Most of the time I was on my own. I felt comfortable with that, it wasn't really something I felt I wanted to do. For this reason, I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome and told that I was anti-social. I liked to talk to people, I liked to talk to kids, but I just did it less.

    I identified as a boy for most of my life. I didn't see any reason to change. I just assumed that what I was was what I was and that was it. Although, everyone else was into sports, I never really cared for that, I was much more comfortable learning about things. I loved messing around with my Windows 98 computer. It was a lot of fun learning what did what, how everything worked. I self taught myself how to use the computer as I'm sure most people did.

    Then recently, only within the past 2 months, I learnt that there was such a thing as "agender", "genderqueer", "bigender". This really interested me. I didn't realise that there was anything BUT male or female. Then I began thinking about my past. Was I really ever especially a guy? I never really did anything "guyish", nor did I do anything especially "girly". But why hadn't I felt like I was nothing at all before? All the stories I've read about people who identify as something different than their biological sex say that they've known since they were very young. This stayed in the back of my head for a bit, but never really went away.

    The thing that bothers me is that now I know the existence of other genders, I don't feel comfortable identifying as, well, anything. I don't even feel like I can fall back on my biological sex. Identifying as genderqueer felt okay, but it didn't seem to fit me, nor did man or woman. Okay then what? So then I felt I might be agender as I never really fit anything, yet even THIS didn't feel right to me. Most of the time agender actually does seem to fit me, but there are so many days where I say to myself, "NID, you're just faking it, you're just a boy". Then there are some days where I feel very comfortable identifying as agender. The only thing that I like right now is "me". It's modular and it changes all the time. Yet, I want to know where I fit. Am I just a boy that doesn't polarise? Am I a girl in the same respect? Am I truly in the middle? Is it just a reaction to knowing there are other genders? I really don't KNOW, and the fact that I'm agnostic in this respect is really bothering me. I want to be gnostic, I want to know who I am. I know labels are just that, labels, but I just wish I had some way to "know". It's really difficult at times, and my attitude towards it changes and seems to be situational. Sometimes it's the day, sometimes it's who I am with. My demeanor changes it seems. Is that invented? I don't know, but I want to.

    I'd love some feedback! It would really help me.
    - NID
     
  2. laut

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    First of all, nice use of agnostic and gnostic :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I identify as genderfluid. I don't base that on how I felt as a kid, I base it on how I feel now. If you'd asked me as a kid what my gender was I would have been like 'girl, duh' because that's the only option I knew could apply at the time. It's only been more recently, since like 17/18, that I've realised that being lumped in with the girls just doesn't fit.

    I also get the 'you're being silly, you have no right to claim any level of maleness in this body, you're a girl' thoughts. To me though, those thoughts come from our socialisation in a binary world, rather than from who we are.

    Give yourself time to work it out. If agender fits for now, that's cool.. but it can change if it needs to. I used to identify as androgynous, until I realised I wasn't male and female at once.. and I'm also sometimes agender.

    You could maybe explore gender expression and see what fits best from doing that. That can be tough though, to know how to express the differences (or maybe that's just me).
     
  3. greatwhale

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    First, welcome to EC, NID!

    This is so interesting; that it is so difficult to hang on to some firm gender identity. I suppose you need to "know" because you have faith that there is some rock-solid foundation somewhere within you, and that you haven't found yet, that says: this and nothing else!

    Perhaps you need to examine that faith a little more...Perhaps the foundation you seek, just perhaps, may not exist?

    If that is so: now what?

    I don't have an answer to this last question, but I can say that most of us are in the same boat, only it doesn't necessarily pertain to gender identity but rather to our conception of ourselves. The faith that there is a core person somewhere inside, if only he could be found...then he would know who he is...But, just maybe, there is no core that we are conscious of or could even be conscious of.

    I am gay, that's the label that seems to fit best with my orientation. I have no idea why I like guys more than girls, I don't think I will ever be able to answer this question. Perhaps I don't need to...
     
  4. NID

    NID
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    Thanks! That feels great knowing there are others in this boat. It's really hard to try to figure out who you are when all you've heard is "if you thought you were a boy when you were a child, then you are one" stuff. It gets pretty discouraging for me. It's also awesome that people here understand where I'm coming from. :slight_smile:

    Also it's nice to hear that there are others that have self doubt sometimes about who you are. It's not a nice feeling, but at least now I know that this is normal and that I'm no longer alone in that respect. That was one of the most annoying and frustrating thoughts ever, because then, I couldn't piece together... well... anything! Knowing that they exist is very reassuring. Thank you!

    Maybe that's also true. Maybe the best way I could describe myself is really 'me'. Maybe I will just stick with 'me', since it describes me completely without describing me at all. Thanks for replying!

    -NID
     
  5. Starry Eyes

    Starry Eyes Guest

    I just recently started identifying as gender fluid. There are clear, almost lucid, moments in my life where I clearly switch over into girl mode. (Hence the crossdressing since the age of 7.)

    So yeah, you don't have to identify as anything if you don't want to. But genderfluid would probably be a good fit with the thoughts you are having.
     
  6. NID

    NID
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    That could be true as well! I've thought about that since I seem to switch from something to something else. It seems to be situational though, which is interesting. Sometimes it's close to the middle but slightly on the male side, sometimes it's nothing, sometimes it's a bit of both. But it just varies so much, it's easier sometimes to just label myself as 'me' I guess. But I guess that'd work too. Thanks for all the replies everyone :slight_smile:

    -NID