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Feeling guilty about identity

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by skuyler, Oct 5, 2013.

  1. skuyler

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    When I think about my sexual orientation, I feel confused and annoyed, and I feel like it should just be easy and straightforward.
    But when I think about my gender identity, I feel downright guilty. I constantly feel that it's wrong what I'm thinking and it's wrong to want to be a guy. I feel like everything I go through is just a phase and that sometimes I even tell myself I just want attention and just want to belong to a group. It's so confusing to me..
    When I was really young, about 4/5, I was dead set on becoming a boy. I would ask my older brother how to and try and be just like him. When I talk about that with my mum, she says its absolutely normal and every kid that has an older sibling wants to be just like them.
    This may be true, but for the rest of my life I've basically dressed as a guy and I feel comfortable hanging out with guys a lot.

    About 1,5 year I had a extremely short phase of dressing really girly, but it wasn't me. Fair enough, some girls just don't like dresses.
    I didn't really think anything of it until about 1,5 months ago. I started to find myself wishing more and more to have been born a boy, and every time there were choices between male/female I'd be drawn to the male one. I felt like my body was in the way, I don't want boobs, I want the flat chest of a guy, I want to build muscle and not have to worry about sitting in a certain way.
    And that's when I started to wonder if maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that I didn't belong in a female body.

    I would love to be a boy, to wake up in a different body.
    There's just this nagging sensation in my mind that I'm lying to myself.
    Could someone help me please? I'm so confused and lost and I honestly don't know how to deal with this :icon_sad:
     
  2. laut

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    I think you need to give yourself permission to really listen to yourself and to be whatever you truly feel yourself to be.

    Why would you lie to yourself? Is it not more likely that part of you wants it to be a lie because that's a lot easier.

    You have every right to be a boy, if that's how you feel, no matter what your body is.
     
  3. clockworkfox

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    Oh my god, I can relate to all of this. Except the big brother part - I don't have any brothers.

    Whenever I feel hopelessly guilty, I just try and remember it's my body, nobody else's. And if it feels wrong to me, I can't help that, and I should be able to do what I can to make it feel right. After all, I deserve to be comfortable with my physical self, and you do too. I think about how persistent the desire to be a boy I have is - if it was a phase, or if I was lying to myself, why would it be nagging at the back of my mind all the time, even in my bleariest, most out-of-it moments?

    So why do I have the persistent nagging sensation that I'm lying to myself about feeling like a boy? I think it's because society is predominantly cis-normative. Or because I didn't know there were ftms out there until I was 18 years old, even though I've had a desire to be a boy before then - I didn't know people like me even existed. And back then I had strong feelings of not belonging anywhere, of being different somehow, of not relating to anyone very strongly, male or female. I think this is why, and I don't think you can lie to yourself about all that.

    Keep your head up. Do some soul searching. Just do whatever feels comfortable and right to you. If that means being a boy, I don't think that's wrong. I don't know how to eliminate guilt, although I wish I did. But just because you were born in one body doesn't mean you need to act or identify a certain way deemed "normal" for someone with your body. You're you, first and foremost. And that's not wrong.
     
  4. skuyler

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    Thank you so much for this reply. It made me feel so much better a) to know that im not the only one who has these feelings and b) you made me think about what i wanted and how i felt and i think that wa a very big step for me. So thank you<3
     
  5. Zular462

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    If there is one thing I've learnt from my 16 years on this planet it's that nothing is ever going to be simple. Put your mind on a goal, an aim you want and do whatever you need to get there. Be who you are and don't let anyone change that. Good luck xx