I'm a newcomer here. But today I felt that I needed to voice myself to somebody, finally, even if I couldn't do it in person. (I'll gladly read your story if you comment on mine; hell, I'd read it just for the hell of it. Post a link if you like.) I'm about 20 years old. I'm biologically a boy, but I've always had trouble coming to grips with that. Ever since I was a kid I had trouble with the idea that I had to be tough, fearless or pretend not to cry. I was always an emotional kid. A different kid. That soft kid. Some things don't change- I kept my stuffed pooh-bear till this very day and I still use him as a pillow. My dad always told me to stick up for myself- I took karate classes after all, right?- but as much as I would get angry, I could only force myself not to weep in their faces when they excluded me and called me gay. That was in the fourth grade. And it wouldn't be until middle school that I would start to hear it again. Over and over behind my back. And then to my face. I tried not to show it in school, but I was lonely and upset. I couldn't even bring myself to be angry at the kids who made it their mission to ruin my day. I had to hide my emotions, because every little face I made was more fuel for that fire. I was just different- and nobody, not my few friends or my broken family, could protect me all the time. From this I found a way out. I spent all of my time in books. I would walk the halls reading a book. I would read books in class and at lunch, at night and instead of homework. A few years passed but one particular book stuck with me to this day. The Deed Of Paksenarrion was the first book that I had read with a true heroin. Paks was a strong-willed type of character. The archetypical self-made woman. But for her it wasn't about her career. It was her pursuit of self-understanding, esteem and identity. I came out a changed person. I laughed and cried with her, and for a while, I was her. It wasn't the first time I'd wished I were someone else for a day. But it was the first time I could truly feel myself in a character. To my surprise, a woman. This was the first time I would ask myself what IS a man, and what makes them so different from a woman? What makes up the human experience from a woman's point of view? I would daydream and think and wonder, how much would I change, were I born a woman? Or had I been already without acknowledging it? I want to know if the person I've been showing outside is like Paks, waiting to break free into the night and learn who she really is. For me this is the first step into the unknown. I've never had a chance to explore my feminine side. I just hope people who read this consider helping a new person feel themselves out, and I hope what I write inspires someone to write their story too. -Blue
I can relate to a bit of that, especially the part about avoiding bullies by reading. I've always liked strong female heroine types. I remember one time in elementary school, I happened to notice a video game magazine someone had left out. And there was an article on a Castlevania game for the Gameboy (Legends, I think it's called). Being a fan of the series, I was eager to learn about it, but when I found out the lead character is a woman, I really wanted to play it. For some reason, the fact that the lead was female made me want to play it more than anything. The trouble with video games is similar to books: a general lack of strong female heroes. When they're there, they're usually secondary characters, not the lead. Personally, I always felt like since I'm a "boy" I'm not supposed to play as a female character unless I have no choice. I've gotten over that now, and whenever possible I play as a female character. I've never been surprised that a character was a girl, because I've never read or played a game where the gender is hidden for long. The closest I can relate to that particular part of your story is an anime (based on books I've never had the chance to read) called Kino's Journey. The main character, Kino, is pretty much everything I admire: strong, independent, intelligent, and able to explore the world. But whether Kino is a boy or a girl is hidden until the fourth episode. Kino looks and sounds androgynous, so no real help there. Sounds sort of feminine, but not much; has no chest, but that doesn't prove anything; in the Japanese Kino uses the pronoun "boku", which is typically used by boys, but not always. So it's a bit of a mystery until the fourth episode (I herd the books hid it longer) until the fourth episode, which reveals that she is in fact female. I doubt I was surprised as you were, but to this day, Kino is sort of a hero to me; but I guess it's no surprise I'd find inspiration in a heroine.
