Alright so I guess I'll start by saying that I'm a lesbian and I have been out and proud for five years. Coming out was probably the scariest and most liberating experience in my life but I'm pretty sure most of us know how that feels. As scary as it was I quickly learned that I was and still am lucky to have such an amazing family that easily accepted me for who I am granted it was a little tougher with my parents but even they were quick to offer their support. After a while I quickly noticed that my family's main concern or question was "do you want to be a man?" of course during that time the thought had crossed my mind but I never really bothered looking to much into it. Well when my family would ask me that I always told them no and that I was comfortable with being a girl. After constantly having to answer that question I became aggravated and demanded to know why they kept asking me that. They told me it wouldn't make since if I wanted to be a dude because I do not even like them or find them attractive stating "your gay because you don't like guys so why would you want to become one". Once they were sure that that was not what I wanted they left that whole issue alone. Ive always been a tomboy my whole life; I have never really been the girly girl. I hated doing what most people consider girls "should" do for instance wearing makeup, dresses, shopping or whatever else a "typical" girl would do is not who I am. After a while I noticed that when I looked in the mirror I did not see myself it is difficult to explain. I just know that their are times that I am uncomfortable in my own skin/body, sometimes I think of myself as a guy, and then there are several time where I have tried to think of how I would've looked like if I was born a dude. Sometimes the thought of being a guy is more comforting than actually being a girl but don't get me wrong there are times when I am just as comfortable being a girl if anything I feel like I am in the middle of thinking of being a guy/girl but I lean more towards being a guy. Truthfully I have no idea what any of this means all I know is that I am confused, scared, and feel more alone now than when I was coming out. I want to talk to my family about this but I know how they feel and think about this; I just don't want my family to hate me or think I'm disgusting. No one and I mean no one at all has any clue of what I have been dealing with and all I want is some advice I wish I could go to a friend or family member but like I said I'm scared.
It sounds to me like you might be genderqueer. There's nothing wrong with having an unusual gender identity or expression. If you're a lesbian, that's fine, that doesn't affect anything either. Try taking a few days and intentionally dressing as a guy. Go to a Goodwill and spend maybe $10 on some men's clothes and a good sports bra and wear them, then see how you feel. Maybe you'll find that you're more comfortable dressing as a man--or maybe you'll find that you'd rather be a man altogether. After doing that, then you should start to decide how you feel about your sex and gender. Your family won't think you're disgusting. It seems like they care about you, if only that they have a funny way of showing it--my mom's asked me if I'm a lesbian more times than I can count, but I know she loves me. Either way, girl or guy, you'll still be beautiful and awesome and all those good things. Good luck, friend
