Hello everyone...new member of the forum, but not new to the forum itself Lately (well...since late June/early July) I've thought about myself as a woman, visualizing myself with long hair, breast, a woman's name, etc. All of these thoughts make me happy, but I still hesitate and wonder if I might be fooling myself. I love when people think I'm a girl online, it actually does spark some excitement. The thing is, I'm not completely of my male body. My main opinion of it is more apathy, as I don't feel there's any reason to be male, but I don't hate it either. I don't feel as though there's any particular reason I need to be male, but maybe being a female is more complicated than I'm giving it credit for being. I know many say it's about being female, but I just feel that maybe I'm oversimplifying it. I should probably say I'm very shy and, as such, have yet to even try cross-dressing or bringing up my issue outside of my internet friends (who have been accepting). I would like some confirmation, and perhaps some direction.
Gender is a multi faceted and an infinite continuum. IMO, there's much more than just "male" of "female" or "trans"; there are all kinds of degrees in between. One doesn't have to be male or female. In an ideal world, people should be free to express whatever degree of whatever gender they want to, at anytime they want to, without having to permanently be any one "gender". So the question is, since such a scenario is probably not possible or practical, what should you do? I'm also trying to decide how I want to express myself, gender-wise. Some of the questions I ask myself are: if I transition, how do I think I would feel ten years from now, twenty years from now, thirty years from now, etc.? If I transition and live full time as a woman, will I miss being a man? What does it mean to me to be a woman? (The last question is courtesy of my therapist.) I'm also living full time at home as a woman. My wife and I are in the process of working out what it all means. She has been accepting, so far. Perhaps you can try living full time at home as a woman?
MrRedfox, I feel that my situation is very similar to yours in a lot of ways, and you word some things a lot better than I have so far. Yes! Apathy! That's how I feel about biologically being male. I am born male, but I've never been proud of it. I've never felt I quite fit in with other men, either. However, just like you, when on the internet people assume I am a girl, it makes me excited and happy. I've had many thoughts about wanting to be female. I've even cross-dressed in private just to see what it would feel like to wear women's clothing. I don't hate being male, which is why I've ruled out me being a trans for the time being. I'm slowly beginning to learn that maybe I just can't label myself so neatly. It's hard, humans need to label things. It's how we identify things and it's how we communicate. I suggest you continue down the path you've already started; trying to find out what to call yourself. But at the same time, try to learn to see yourself for who you are, plain and simple. Without the boundaries put up by standard descriptions. I've been questioning since late 2011, and I still am not sure of myself. That's not to say I haven't made great progress. It's a big thing to define one's self. I hope you'll find assistance here.
Thanks for your post I'm glad there are people who feel the same way; honestly I don't care to assign "gender" to anything. The only thing I know for sure is that my sex is male...a start I guess. I'm not sure how I'll deal with being "gender rolled," as I tend to not like being stereotyped regardless of sex. There are issues with coming out that I probably should have explained; first is that I tend to be shy and have a hard time speaking up about more personal issues. Telling my grandparents feels difficult not only because of the subject matter, but also because I have no definite footing. My grandparents also do a lot for me (me being lazy), so if I want to cross-dress, I have to come out to them first. I'll keep trying, even if it's hard, because it's not as if these thoughts are gonna go away on their own.
If there is anyone in your life that might be easier for you to out to besides your grandparents, I suggest going to them first (it's great that you've outed to online friends, but we need you to say it to someone in person). Once you do it, you'll start to realize how easy it actually is. I understand you being shy makes it hard no matter what, but the more you do it the more you'll build confidence. My mom was the most important person I could out to, but I didn't start with her. I told my friend and then my cousin first, because it was easier for me. Once I received their positive feedback, I went to my mom and things worked out just fine!
And I'd like to recall something a dear wise GG friend said to me: "No matter how hard coming out is, it's only temporary. Focusing on your goal, on where you want to be, rather on the present discomfort, will make coming out easier." A month past, six months past, it may well be the case that it'll be as if nothing has happened, and you will wonder why you were so afraid to begin with. I came out to my wife about a month and a half ago, after hiding it for the entire thirty years that we have known each other. There were slightly rough moments after coming out, but it was just as I said: it was tough for a little bit, but then it becomes all downhill.
