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What am I? or Whats going on in my head? or just General guidance.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by InfectedGenes, Oct 16, 2013.

  1. InfectedGenes

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    To start things off Ill just say that the main question i'm asking is if i'm Trans and by that I mean in your opinion I don't care if you are untrained or whatever I have my own beliefs and feelings but im here talking to you to get your views on the matter, if however you really feel like you can't give me an answer than could you possibly give me some guidance on how I can think about this situation and figure it out myself.

    Right I was born in July 1992 and was categorized at that time as being male due to the dangly bit of flesh between my legs. The next 7-8 years were rather uneventful but it was at about age 7 or 8 that I remember starting to feel depressed and weird about certain aspects of life I noticed, I found myself wanting to hang out with girls and play house with them, and to want to play with dolls and other toys (even if I did have super hero dolls they were really just dolls dressed in superhero costumes and not actual action figures and I can't remember whos idea that was), I also found that I wanted to go into the girls bathrooms instead of the boys and started sneaking into my sisters room and nicking her clothes and trying them on when noone was around. It was about this time that my philosophical edge started to make its appearance in that I started questioning literally everything, from politics to gender to life the universe and everything in it. I started questioning my gender a bit but it never got far as i'd always push it down and ignore it.

    Next I reached high school where the depression got even worse though I thought this was due to the constant bullying I suffered but at the same times my feelings from Primary school came back with a vengeance around 13 and I found myself questioning things more and more becoming distant from other people and sneaking into my sisters room more and more and even once or twice using the girls bathroom and when I did, it felt really exciting but at the same time it felt nice thats really all I can say about it, but did start imagining waking up without a penis and having to live my life as a girl and other similar fantasies and I started thinking that I might be a girl but then once again rejecting it because I prefer girls and rock music so I just ignored it again but kept nicking my sisters clothe every few days.

    The feelings as before persisted for a while and my depression got worse and worse to the point of a few suicide attempts and I would go through the odd week were I seriously considered that I might be a girl before rejecting it for a month or two before coming back to it, until we've reached the past few months were ive properly accepted it as a legitimate option and ive now spent that last 6 months brooding over it even to the extent of having my therapist send a refferal letter to a gender clinic for me that im waiting on.

    Now we reach now where im in a state of continuous questioning reading loads of other people stories and seeing if they match and some do but others dont, I look at pictures of trans-girls that have transitioned well and I wish I could be them or even wish I could be other girls ive seen but at the same time I dont like the idea of transitioning if I would end up not looking right if that makes sense not necessarilly looking pretty just as long as I looked female enough I think id be ok but then I consider some of the effort it requires and it sounds really scary and tiring.

    Also I dont really think I necessarilly feel much of a dysphoria sure I hate my self and my body but im sure I could be comftarble in my own body which then makes me feel that im not trans enough to consider transition and I dont like the idea of trying to pass as a girl without hormones as I dont think id do very well, to cap it all of im not an uber feminine person I like meat, beer, heavy metal, video games, sports and alot of other masculine things so I guess I would be a tom-boy if I transitioned which just sound ridicuous to me.

    Also the other day my mum (knowing that im questioning my gender) suggested trying makeup and stuff and I nodded that it was a possibility but then ran a mile feeling that it was really girly and too feminine the same going fro alot of other feminine activities i.e. make overs watching rom-coms, hen nights PERIOD, spa days or any of that stuff but I know that id need make-up to really look like a girl for a fair bit and that freaks me out.

    Any advice and help is appreciated but I would like you to at least try to give an opinion on it.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Oh where to begin with this one!

    Well I'll start with, there's no way in heck I'm going to say if you are or are not trans, but I will say that I feel very similar to you and I definitely DEFINITELY am.

    I'm going to work backwards through parts of your post because it makes most sense to me to do it that way!

    So lets start with the last bit, your mum said trying makeup, spa days, all that ultra girly stuff. Now here is where we differ, I wish I could nail SIMPLE forms of makeup. Eyeliner, mascara etc, just to make my eyes look pretty, but I don't go in for the rest of it. I don't want to look like a lazy clown any more than you do! Rom-coms suck and spas I've never really considered. Does that make me less of a girl? HECK NO! No more than it would make any cis-female less of a girl if she didn't like those things! You like what you like and do what you're comfortable with, but it doesn't change how you feel about yourself.

    The same goes for liking beer and meat, metal and video games! All that superficially gendered stuff means nothing. Or at least, it doesn't mean you can't be something else! All the girls I know love those things! Just yesterday I was hanging out with a girl who knows more about video-games than most guys you'll ever meet! So don't worry about those bits too much. Does it make you a tom-boy? Only if you buy into the idea that being a tom-boy means anything...it doesn't.

    "Also I dont really think I necessarilly feel much of a dysphoria..."

    This bit is a real kick! Really similar to so many people including myself a bit. You say you could be comfortable in your own body. Well what would you have to do to make yourself comfortable in your own body? What would it take? More importantly, if you could be comfortable as you are, why haven't you done anything about it? These are all questions I had to ask myself!

    "Now we reach now where im in a state of continuous questioning reading loads of other people stories and seeing if they match and some do but others dont, I look at pictures of trans-girls that have transitioned well and I wish I could be them or even wish I could be other girls ive seen but at the same time I dont like the idea of transitioning if I would end up not looking right if that makes sense not necessarilly looking pretty just as long as I looked female enough I think id be ok but then I consider some of the effort it requires and it sounds really scary and tiring."

    Some girls pull it off really well. Actually I think that is one of the failings of a lot of the publications for trans info is that they seem to pick people who blend right in. There is a video on the NHS website I watched yesterday and I'll be damned if I'd have known the girl was trans if they hadn't told me beforehand! By the end of next week I'll be able to go out full time as Holly. My sisters need to be told and then I can live as a girl in most respects. Do I look as good as half the trans girls I see? No I do not! Not even close! I don't have clothes that fit properly because you can't try clothes on in a girls clothes shop as a guy. If I'm out too long my beard comes through by the end of the day. I have no chest to speak of so low cut tops are out of the question. I'm used to wearing baggy clothes so on one picture of me I look liek someone stuck a giants torso on a childs legs! It sucks that it isn't so easy to just go out and blend but that's why transition is a long and potentially scary process!

    HOWEVER, for me it's worth it. I know in my heart that I'm Holly. One day in the future, I might be lucky enough to blend in with other girls, but for me, being able to be Holly inside and OUT is worth looking strange and all the effort because it feels completely right! THAT is what you need to find out!

    If you can seriously ask yourself does this feel right for me. Do I need to do this so badly that it is worth not fitting in, or looking strange or putting in huge amounts of effort. You might be lucky enough to find that you CAN be comfortable as you are and with a bit of work be comfortable in your own skin as a guy. It's gotta be easier because I'm not going to lie, this is hard work!

    I hope that helped...if you have any more questions, ask them!
     
  3. InfectedGenes

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    Well I suppose saying comfortable was the wrong phrasing what I mean is that I could ignore all these feelings and just live my life hating myself and not being comfortable, I mean I hate myself and my body and I haven't looked in the mirror (more than I have too) since I was 13 but I don't feel like its necessarily a life or death degree I mean it's hating myself and feeling inadequate that led me to read (escapism) so much and give me the intellect that I now have so its not all bad, its just so many Trans people say that they would kill themselves if they didn't but I don't necessarily feel that way (even though I have attempted it in the past). But I think what in all honesty would make me comfortable is having breasts, having a less manly jaw, less broad shoulders, being shorter and wider hips.

    About make-up its more that im unsure if I could really look female (without hormones) without using make-up but the thought of using make-up freaks me out, and yeah I knid of already know that, that doesnt mean a person is any gender I mean ive even called my self a Tom-boy in a boys body I mean I feel less obsessed about the lifestyle and clothes and more about the base physical characteristics I mean id probably barely change my wardrobe if I transitioned (probably buy more skirts though).

    But my final question is less if I am trans and more how you worked out for yourself that you were Trans I mean what way of thinking through the issue did you use to reach the conclusion just so I can at least work out for myself.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    Have you considered trying out a prosthesis? I thought a similar thing when I was first questioning gender and having breasts made a lot of difference, it felt completely right. It's worth thinking about if nothing else.

    As far as I'm aware, hormones won't make you look a hell of a lot more female (with the exception of some slight weight distribution and breast tissue growth - if anyone knows more please add to this because I would love to know myself!) and it's one of the most irritating things about the whole issue. I don't look very female and it sucks. My shoulders are big as hell! I'm not sure what to say because for me the fact that I feel so much better about myself outweighs the fact that I don't really pass without make-up!

    Also I'm with you 100% on the wardrobe thing :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I bought some slightly more feminine shirts and a bunch of skirts :grin:

    How did I work it out...oh fine I'll be honest as hell since you seem really worried about this! So I bought an 'item' from Japan that happened to come with some of those striped panties you hear so much about. I guess thinking about it, the fact that I chose that item (which was MUCH more expensive) than all the others BECAUSE it had the underwear in might have been a bit of a clue. Well anyway I tried them on and instead of the sexual feelings I was expecting I just felt normal (I should add here that I usually feel crappy and when I say normal i mean how I expect normal to be).

    Anyway I wore them a few times under my normal clothes and eventually felt compelled to buy a top and a skirt. It took my MONTHS to put these on because of the whole 'are you SERIOUSLY thinking of being a cross-dresser!?' thoughts I had buzzing around.

    When I did, I felt that 'normal' feeling again. I would sit and read in my room in these clothes then hide them away.

    Eventually I wore them outside and it didn't feel right. I bought a wig for long hair and that felt a bit closer. Someone recommended I try a prosthesis. I ignored that comment for a couple of weeks then found some cheap on eBay and decided to buy them.

    When they turned up, I felt complete. It wasn't some 'OMG THIS IS SO WEIRD' kind of instant thrill, it was a slow burning 'why hasn't it always been this way' feeling. I wore them for about an hour and hid them for another week. All this time I was worrying about it!

    Anyway I tried them on again and the feeling came back. The feeling that it should have been this way all the time. I got fully dressed in my badly fitting clothes and my wig that I somehow managed to get into a cute style and I just sat at my computer not doing anything. Then I turned on my webcam and noticed I was smiling.

    Since then I've experimented with going out to different places, different clothes, different underwear. I've tried keeping myself away from the subject when I got worried that maybe reading about it too much while I was looking for support with my sexuality had influenced me. It did not work. No matter how much I avoided thinking about it, it crawled back in. Every time "Why wasn't I ALWAYS like this? WHY have I been miserable for my WHOLE life and all of a sudden I feel like a real person!?'.

    For me it was just about feeling like I was really ME. Like this person that I am is worth something. That for the first time in my life I felt like everything made sense and I was really bringing myself out into the open instead of hiding away from the world behind this crappy male shell I've been stuck with.
     
  5. Nick07

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    Holly, hats down to you for sharing that. *hug*
     
  6. InfectedGenes

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    Agreed Nick07.

    "Have you considered trying out a prosthesis?" Um well no not seriously I mean sisters Bra plus socks (actually as weird as it sounds T-shirts folded the right way worked well too) but it seems like more something id do once i've gained more clarity on the subject.

    "As far as I'm aware, hormones won't make you look a hell of a lot more female" hmm well I dont have alot of knowledge on the subject but I did hear that the effects continue for as long as you take the medication but it must at least do something (5 years is the amount of time I heard it takes) otherwise people wouldn't do it, I mean I know it wont change skeletal shape or anything but if most pictures ive seen of transition are anything to go by than if I wanted to transition it would provide the effect im looking for.

    But when you say you feel yourself do you mean that you look more like you feel on the inside and this is what makes you feel like yourself or do you mean it in a more abstract way in that just acting more in a way that is how you feel makes you feel like yourself (sorry if im asking private things feel free to not answer) and does it show that im not Trans if I feel anxious towards doing it if I knew I wouldn't pass well?

    Alot of what you said sounds similar to my own feelings and actions but when I try the clothes on its less that I feel normal (trust me ive never felt normal I dont think I ever will) but more that I felt happy like genuinely happy which is quite rare in my experience and yes im embarrassed to admit there was some excitement there but as time has gone on ive found that I wasnt doing it for the sake of the excitement but more for that feeling of being happy.

    I havent ever just sat around wearing those clothes (but I did once go to bed wearing them so I could see what its like to wake up as a girl), ive only ever worn them in private when no one is around.

    "For me it was just about feeling like I was really ME." Well for me that isnt necessarily the case seeing as I have no real idea who "me" is all I know is how I feel and what I want and what I don't want, and what I want is to be female to put it basically but then I consider how difficult it is to obtain that and all the issues surrounding it, I tend to start feeling that I dont want to be a girl or at least that I dont feel like though i'd be happier if I did transition that the amount of stress and heartache that came with it wouldn't be worth it so then I decide that transition isnt for me and I start to feel upset about a bleak future of self-hatred which is usually when I start to question whether I even am Trans. Its a bit of a vicious cycle really.
     
  7. BookDragon

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    How does it feel to wear a stuffed bra? I tried it a couple of times with t-shirt stuffed up my top! When I saw that having the shape there made the clothes look better I found myself being really upset! That was when everything went from 'I really want boobs' to 'I really NEED boobs'. Bra stuffing is good for the shape, but it doesn't compare to when you have the weight behind it. I definitely recommend some breast forms WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE READY TO TRY THEM! I don't want to push you in to anything :slight_smile:

    As far hormones, the last time I checked they caused weight distribution and breast growth usually. Some people say they don't do a damn thing. I don't THINK they do anything to the face or anything! Remember of course that even though you don't like the idea at the moment, makeup and things will get you a lot closer to your goal and don't have all the negative sides of hormones! If you just want to be able to dress as a girl rather than fully become one through surgeries and things then hormones aren't really your answer! However I'm hoping someone can add to this since my knowledge is limited...

    When I say I feel myself....hmm lets see. For the longest ever time, I've not known who 'me' is. Part of me I guess has always wanted to be included in things so I've always stood out. I used to have long hair, a beard, wear 'goth' clothes. I stood out completely and I guess wanted people to notice that I exist. HOWEVER, I never once wanted any of those people to interact with me. I hid behind that beard! Used it as a mask. I kept my head down, kept myself to myself and told myself that everyone hates me. I have been miserable! But now it's different. I still want people to notice that I exist, but now I WANT them to talk to me sometimes. The idea of making friends is a positive thing to me now. When I say I feel like 'myself' I mean that I'm actually WORTH something! I feel as though I can go out into the world and enjoy it without having to hide in the shadows or scare everyone else away.

    There is also a more abstract side I suppose. I have never been able to express emotions externally. NEVER. Even my own mum couldn't remember the last time she saw me smiling for more than a minute! When I'm Holly, I can. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my expressions are girly! If I'm happy about something I feel it in side, my arms come up and I wriggle a bit. When I first wore an alice band with a ribbon I giggled like a child. My best friend has described my actions as 'cute as hell'. When he did so I melted! It was the best thing anyone had ever said to me. Now imagine a beared 6'4" man doing those things. It doesn't happen. But those things feel natural to me. Those reactions are an instinct, I didn't even realise I was doing them!

    As for your anxiety, you are stepping out into a world that hates difference. Nobody WANTS to be confronted by some douchebag who mocks you for wearing a skirt! Nobody wants to go out as a woman and really feel it themselves just to have some waiter call you SIR! You read about the horrible things that COULD happen. I have NO idea how often they DO happen, but so far only 2 people have ever said a word about it when I've been out. It is a scary thing to do until you get used to it ESPECIALLY if you're not 100% sure its the right thing for you!

    When I first went out I was scared to death. Then I realised that I'm not ashamed of it. This is ME. I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm not hurting anybody. Whose going to attack ME in friggin tesco!? The worst they can do in here is say 'aren't you a bloke', which is at worst inconvenient. I don't want the conversation but it doesn't make me feel any less of a girl! After that I was fine. If you decide its right for you, eventually something will click in your mind that makes you realise that the things other people say don't matter as long as you feel good inside!

    its less that I feel normal (trust me ive never felt normal I dont think I ever will) but more that I felt happy like genuinely happy
    This is a massively important statement as far as I'm concerned and I'll tell you why. When I say I feel NORMAL, most people think of a neutral state of emotion. Not good but not bad. I don't mean that. NORMAL to me is happy. People should be happy. Things make them sad, things make them excited. Nobody should be apathetic if they can help it! When I say "I feel normal" I mean I feel happy even though nothing has happened. My default emotional state as Holly is "I feel good about myself!". Which sounds EXACTLY like what you are experiencing.

    What was it like for you waking up as a girl? I sleep in my underwear...or panties anyway...but I still don't feel good about it. For me I find that I WANT to wear PJ's or one of those night dress things but while I have no breasts I just sit and feel sad and wonder what's the point of covering up. I might buy one anyway and see if it helps. Try being dressed in your room for a bit, and do the things you normally do. See how that feels for a while.

    That last point is the worst of all the realisations. Which is worse, being a girl and risking everything, or staying as I am and risking myself. For me, it got to a point where the choice was obvious. I am now at a stage where I have had to tell my mum to her face if it comes down to a choice between saying "Fuck it" to either Holly or my family, my family is going down. For me, Holly is worth the risk. It's scary as hell and I don't WANT to lose anyone, but I CAN NOT accept the idea of pushing it down forever just because other people don't like it. You will have to figure that one out on your own I'm afraid, by all means tell me what you have to lose either way, but ultimately the decision is yours.

    Incidentally, don't worry about if you are asking 'private things'. You can ask me basically anything and I will answer it as honestly as I can. I hate to think of other people suffering with this and if it helps, I will answer. So feel free to ask anything you like!
     
  8. Nick07

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    You started with a question and after reading your last post I dare to guess that you are.
    The fact that the thought of transition itself gives you pause (lol, is this how you say it in English?) doesn't make you less trans.

    It can take a long time to judge all pros and cons. Explore what makes you happy and do it at least at home to become more confident.
     
  9. InfectedGenes

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    Oh right I thought when you said that I should get pros- that you meant for the shape in all seriousness I only ever imagined them as supplying shape and nothing more, so actually yeah if it supplies weight as well than it might be something ill look into...when im ready...and less terrified of other peoples opinions.

    No its not about just dressing as a girl I know that much, if its about anything than it is about actually becoming a girl I mean if it was just about dressing like a girl than I'd be content with how im currently acting but I know i'm not so no its not just about dressing as a girl.

    Ok, can you please stop reading from my diary its impolite :slight_smile:. But yeah I am 6,4ft long hair and a beard and I am currently wearing an undead superman t-shirt.

    Once again stop reading my diary, I've had experiences litterally to a T like this except it was an extra-large jumper that I was snuggled into, and I know that I shouldn't use similarities between my narrative and another persons but the fact that pretty much excatly similar events and feeligns must mean something right?

    Yeah thats a good point :slight_smile:

    well thats encouraging I mean I am pretty certain that I am a Trans-Girl but I just keep doubting myself and doubting my ability to Transition (whenever I talk about it in this way I'm always reminded both of Dragon Ballz Super Saiyan transformations and butterfly transformations if only it were that easy) and I just end up hating myself and calling myself stupid and ridiculous for considering transition until I get to a point where I either entierly doubt my transition or get to an inbetween point such as the one I was in when I made this thread.

    Yeah it was...interesting it was like you know when you have a dream where you are a girl and when you wake up you think you are for a few seconds before remembering, its like that except it carries on for a few more minutes even though you know its not true it doesnt feel like it, and I wear PJs and purposefully bought extra large ones so that they can hang off my shoulder which I like, and yeah I know about the Breasts thing seeing as if I ever take my top of I always instinctively cover myself up especially if im in public and accidentally my t-shirt comes off with my jumper which is quite embarrassing even though there is nothing there.

    hmmm yeah thats true I guess it is something I need to think more about. Thanks for the advice I may have some questions later if you dont mind but right now im off to the pub. (*hug*)
     
  10. BookDragon

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    "it was an extra-large jumper that I was snuggled into"

    I wonder if this was as cute as the image I have in my head!

    Lets look at this issue of similarities. By the sounds of things our situations sound pretty similar. However, I would recommend you ignore the circumstances to some extent and seriously consider the feelings behind them!

    When we look at how you felt in your big jumper, or when you woke up as a girl or how you feel wearing pyjamas that are too big we see a pattern. One you have identified. You put yourself in situations that would be stereotypically girly. You do these things because it feels right, even if it's not clear WHY it feels right, it just does. But still something is missing, like it feels better, but its not the whole thing. To use your own words "even though you know its not true it doesn't feel like it".

    I can't and won't put words in your mouth but I want you to know your responses to some of these things could have been taken from my own mouth.

    As I've said, when you find more questions to ask, they will be answered, and no matter what you decide (as long as I can find the thread!) I'll be around to help you with it, as will the rest of the EC community! Also you can feel free to stick a message on my profile if you want it to ask something you don't want to announce to the world...I mean it isn't private but its better than nothing!
     
  11. InfectedGenes

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    Hey sorry for not getting back to this I knod of forgot about this website a bit with some stuff going on.

    "I wonder if this was as cute as the image I have in my head!"

    I dunno...I felt cute.

    "When we look at how you felt in your big jumper, or when you woke up as a girl or how you feel wearing pyjamas that are too big we see a pattern. One you have identified. You put yourself in situations that would be stereotypically girly. You do these things because it feels right, even if it's not clear WHY it feels right, it just does. But still something is missing, like it feels better, but its not the whole thing. To use your own words "even though you know its not true it doesn't feel like it"."

    Hmm I suppose that is true, but im still very much grappling with the whole idea of gender, I mean I say to myself "I am Trans" and I ask myself "what does that mean?" so I say "It means that I have what is seen as a male body but I am actually a girl.", "So what is a girl?" and that is where I am stuck, if I cant say what gender is or why I say I am a girl than how can I possibly justify Transition?

    To say it basically I question everything and I do not believe anything I can't know for certain and I find that Gender and womenhood are out of reach for some reason. If i cannot acheive a logical definition of gender than I can't even think about justifying transition.

    I have got a general idea about gender Identity where I find that it is about the certain body characteristics and personality traits that you find necessary to your sense of self and identity but even that sounds a bit off to me.

    I have been to the Nottingham GIC and had my first assessment and am now waiting for my second but I do feel that I need to start expressing my gender between now and my next assessment or else they will not believe me and wont give me hormones, but I find that i'm no really off about expressing it because im still so confused about it all.
     
  12. BookDragon

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    Except you don't want to express 'your gender', you want to be expressing YOU.

    Forget 'what is a girl' and all that. Do what feels right to you and see what that comes out as. You can label it later.
     
  13. InfectedGenes

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    But I never do anything that I can't logically verify the need for or at least the underlying ideals behind it.

    Socialism? I can give you studies, theories and logical calculations.
    Feminism? Scientific studies, sociological questionnaires and valid hypothesise.
    Gender Identity? ...

    But the thing is I'm even finding my own feelings hard to grapple with recently, I recognise a personal inner voidness and emptiness, a feeling of disassociation with other people and disassociation with myself and I try to figure out what the cause of this is, and I find that it is due to a hatred of how my body looks.

    I tend towards the more feminine traits and that a self-image of being feminine especially within sex characteristics and would find acceptance of being in line with those general sex characteristics would be necessary as well.

    I don't know to me that sounds like I am transgender and though I will most of the time have no idea whats going on in my head there are the moments of clarity where I (aside from the fallacy within those labels) perceive myself as a Girl.

    Sorry that became more a rant than a response. But still no matter how much I hate my body I just can't seem to find the motivation to actually do anything about it, and from that I tend to construct false reasoning that it means that I am not Trans or not a Girl or that if I am Trans i'm not Trans enough to justify transition. But whenever I consider why I don't want to enact on those feelings it is usually from a feelings of it seeming weird or too feminine and that by doing it I am being weird. I don't know maybe its just Internalised Cissexism giving me that feeling.

    I mean when I consider the results of make up and similar things I find that I do want to look that way but its when I consider that actual actions and activities necessary to achieve it that I feel weird about it and don't like the idea of it. hmm what do you think?
     
  14. Miiaaaaa

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    This isn't something you can look at logically, unfortunately. This a very confusing matter!

    However, why not talk to a councilor or therapist? Maybe you can discuss it all in depth, and maybe you'll find out what you want to do. :slight_smile:
     
  15. BookDragon

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    I think you've just given me the motivation to start writing the thing I've been telling myself I need to write for the last week. So, you know, thank you for that.

    OK logic. I can DO logic. But first, a word from my therapist.

    "Stop being so bloody male! You always want to turn everything into science and have facts and figures and tables. FEEL something for a change!"

    Yeah, it pissed me off too. But I did find a compromise in the end.

    Right. You want logic, let's see what we can do.

    OK, first things first, let's rule out what 'Gender Identity' is NOT.

    Gender Identity is NOT our physical body. If you woke up one morning in a different body, your feelings about gender would likely not change. In your case, you may well find that your mood improves and you feel better about yourself, but from what you've said I find it unlikely that you would be sitting here telling me that you are a boy stuck in a girls body.

    Gender Identity is NOT our actions. If I make you play football, it does not make you a man. Girls do that too. If I put you in a dress it does not make you a woman. Any man could wear a dress.

    Gender Identity is NOT societal input. If I tell you you're a man, does it make you a man? What about if 10 people do so? 100? 1,000,000? What if a million people told you that you are a fish. Does that make you a fish? An absurd argument perhaps, but in many ways accurate. Just because society says one thing, does not make it so.

    The only thing left that you've mentioned is this:

    " I will most of the time have no idea whats going on in my head there are the moments of clarity where I (aside from the fallacy within those labels) perceive myself as a Girl."

    So what should we say Gender Identity is? It would appear that gender identity is the result of our ability to answer the question "I am (or, am NOT)..."

    There. Logic. Rule out what it isn't to be left with what it is.

    Moving swiftly on.

    Transition - The big bad word that sends many a person scurrying off to hide under a blanket until it all goes away.

    You say you often feel you cannot justify transition. I am left wanting to ask you what exactly it is that you think 'transition' is!

    Shall I tell you my explanation of transition? (Tough, I'm doing it anyway!)

    Many use transition as a verb. An action. (See "I will transition", "My friend transitioned", "When I transition..." as examples). I suggest it is in fact a noun. A term or title. (See "What did your transition involve").

    Technically (and linguistically) it is both. However, I find that using transition as a verb can be damaging in our case.

    The problem with words is the demand consistency of content. Let's look at some verbs uses.

    "The boy isrunning."
    "I am swimming."
    "My dog is eating."

    If I ask 100 people to describe what each of those verbs involves I will have roughly the same answer from each one. There is no escaping the fact that if the boy is running he is propelling himself forward, using his legs at a some speed that is faster than walking. If I am swimming I am propelling myself through water using whatever parts of my body I am able. If my dog is eating, it is putting something in its mouth with the intention of it going inside them.

    These descriptions will be consistent. If I ask 100 people to describe those three verbs, they may use different words to do so, but they will all describe the same thing.

    Now let's look at 'transition'.

    If I asked 100 different people what 'transitioning' is, I will get 100 different answers. There will be some similarities, and I will almost certainly get the word "change" from each of them, but there will be nowhere near as much consistency of content as with the words above.

    The problem with this is that if I use "transition" as a verb, it implies that there is some consistent meaning behind it. If I take this idea of consistency to its logical conclusion I can theorise that to 'transition' I must follow the same steps as those others who 'transition'. Observe:

    If I propel myself through water using my body, I swim. If I am propelling myself through water with a device of some kind (say an outboard motor) I am not swimming. If I am using my body in the water to keep myself buoyant, but I am not propelling myself, I am not swimming.

    As you can see from the above, I have my basic notion of swimming, but if I alter one seemingly minor part of it, I am no longer swimming but instead doing something else.

    Transition does not work this way.

    So far, my transition had involved getting new clothes, growing my hair and painting my nails. If you do none of those things, but instead ask people to call you Kate, and wear lip-gloss, did you have any form of transition? Of course you did.

    Transition is not set. It is a noun. It is a word used as a title for a series of alterations or additions. Transition is not something you DO, it is a word used to encapsulate the things that you do.

    I have not set out to 'transition'. I grow my hair because I want long hair. I paint my nails because it looks pretty. I wear skirts because they are comfortable. I want breasts because I feel like I am missing something from my chest. I want bottom surgery because I dislike my penis.

    The point is, don't get hung up on the idea of transition. Make small changes that feel comfortable. It make transpire that what you have done is considered a transition, but it is not the thing you set out to do.

    Transition is change. You are not trying to change. You are trying to BE. You are trying to be who you are and to express it openly.

    Fingers crossed at least SOME of that makes sense.
     
  16. InfectedGenes

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    When I mentioned Transition I was mostly referring to deciding to engage myself as I felt myself to be I guess.

    But you did give me some things to think about., but when you say gender is our ability to talk about ourselves what is it about ourselves you feel we are detailing? Like we can say I am an admin for jobs, I am a Christian for religion, I am British for ethnicity, so what is it we are talking about with regards to gender? The closest ive gotten is that it is those sex characteristics that we find necessary in conjunction with our personality traits.

    But one thing I keep coming back to is Make up in that I know ill need it but I feel averse to using it but at the same time would very much like its effects and I have no idea how to figure out a way around that.
     
  17. TheWeirdTurnPro

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    Just wanted to say I'm right there with you, asking this same kind of stuff now. Thanks for sharing!
     
  18. BookDragon

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    @Infected.

    Use the same process I did above to answer that question.

    Start with the statement "My gender is not..." and list all the things you can come up with that follow the fragment "I am..."

    My gender is not...my job, my religion, my ethnicity.

    See how far you can go.

    Essentially I managed to get down as far as I could possibly get. My gender wasn't explained by anything I could think of. Which left me with the realisation that just because I can't explain what it IS doesn't mean I can't act on it. I know for a fact I feel more confident, comfortable and more like a real person as a woman than I ever did as a man. I don't hate myself like I used to.

    If it helps, change the statement. Instead of "My gender is not..." try, "I am not..." and work that way.

    "But one thing I keep coming back to is Make up in that I know ill need it but I feel averse to using it "

    I completely understand this. I don't like the idea of make-up at all (although I do like mascara because it makes my eyes look pretty, and my eyes are about the only thing my face has going for it most of the time!) but I have seen how it can be used to great affect.

    You're in the UK, so I wonder if you've also been aware of this flood of 'no make-up selfies' that have been doing the rounds on facebook recently. If not, a bunch of women nominated each other to take a picture of themselves with no make-up. The result, in some cases, was startling. I really did not know that a lot of these people wore make-up, I thought they just looked that way by default. Turns out a lot of people I know wear quite heavy make-up.

    I've learned a couple of things from this.

    1. Turns out that without the foundation and the rest, their skin isn't that different to mine
    2. They do look good without the make-up! There may be SOME improvement in places but that isn't something that really interests me
    3. The art of make-up is to appear like you aren't wearing any...that seems like bloody hard work!

    Not to mention that there seems to be 3 types of women with make-up.

    1. The ones who are good at make-up and look great
    2. The ones who SUCK at make-up and use the absolute minimum
    3. The ones who SUCK at make-up, use loads and look...just awful...SO bad...
     
  19. WillowRose

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    That all made a lot of sense to me, Holly. Thank you!
     
  20. InfectedGenes

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    @EliaOtaku

    You have given me a lot to think about and I am certainly feeling a bit more sure about it which is something, but an interesting thing i've been thinking/doing is just dressing and acting (to an extent within gender norms) however I wanted to using the idea that it isn't the weirdest thing about me and the weird looks I may get are no where near what i'd get if I acted fully as I could so it gives me some preparation for weird looks and reactions if I do go ahead and start presenting and it means that I feel ore confident about acting like my true(er) self. Also I went to a mates birthday party with some other Trans friends so im starting to build up some support around me even if only 2 of them know im trans.