This might not make any sense, but I'm going to try my best to put my thoughts into words... I feel like my mind doesn't connect with my body. They are two separate things with two different personalities. My body's personality is one that I created to be how people want me to be. I hate that personality so much, it feels very fake and I don't think I can be truly happy unless I destroy it. My mind is where my true personality lives, but I keep my true self locked up because I don't want anyone to know about it for some reason. I think it might just be because I'm a shy and private person. Inside my head is the only place where I can be myself and still be comfortable. It's where I can feel free and live the way I want to without having to worry about other people. When people call me by my birth name or use feminine pronouns I try to block out what they said. I hear people and I know that they are talking to me, but I pretend that they are talking to my body not me. The strange part is that I don't get upset or angry, I just become completely emotionless. When I know what they are going to say is what I don't want to hear (only things related to gender) I start hearing a noise like this. I can still hear their voices, it's just quieter. It's like I separated from my body for a little while so I don't feel like they are talking to me just my body. The only thing that makes me upset is when people literally say I am a woman, and oddly I don't usually block that out with noise. At first I get a bit confused why they are calling me a woman and then I remember... Also, my appearance makes me feel terrible no matter what I do with it. If I look like the young lady I'm supposed to be I feel extremely uncomfortable/wrong. If I look the way I want to I feel completely fine when I'm alone, but when other people are around I feel really ashamed. I think the way I feel about this has less to do about what I actually look like and more to do with how people will see me. I just can't be satisfied with a physical appearance at all. The thing I hate the most is when I look into the mirror and I feel like I'm looking at a stranger. My head/face seem to belong to me most of the time, but when I take off my shirt it feels strange and wrong. Like I'm looking at something really disgusting but for some reason I can't look away. Sometimes I feel like if I stabbed my body I wouldn't be able to feel any pain. I really wish I could stop feeling so detached, but I don't know how to control it. Is this a common thing for trans* people to experience?
I often feel detached from my physical self, and almost always feel uncomfortable with my appearance. I don't know how common it is for other people, could be a manifestation of body dysphoria.
