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'How Trans' Am I?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by LaplaceScramble, Oct 18, 2013.

  1. LaplaceScramble

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    Fuuuuuuh, where to start. The nature of this little diatribe against myself is pretty straightforward, just look at the title. I guess the easiest, and simplest, place to start is to say that I'm biologically male.

    For the longest time (relative to me toying around with the idea of being trans) I've just considered myself pangendered and left it at that. It just seemed like such a simple term to use to describe myself. Prior to using that term, prior even to discovering that term, I was in the awkward phase of wondering why I didn't feel right. Almost everyone here has gone through that at one point or another, so it's easy to understand how that felt like, maybe easier for some than others. With wondering why I didn't feel right I went for the easiest answer--at least what I saw as the easiest--and said to myself, "OK self, maybe you're not a boy, maybe you're a girl. Ya, let's see how that feels."

    I went a couple months with that thought at the forefront of my mind, and it felt great. Looking back now, I realize that the reason it felt great was because I was seeing myself in a new way, and new is always exciting. With that feeling, I also had the same 'why don't I feel right' feelings. Essentially, I felt the same whether I considered myself a boy or a girl. So since they both had the same amount of positive/negative feelings associated with them, I just decided to stay with the gender that was 'easier' for me.

    I should make it clear that while I considered myself a girl I did very few things to change my outward appearance. I added some more feminine accessories, changed how my voice sounded, and tried making my walk more feminine (whatever that meant). I'm not sure if I didn't do more because I genuinely didn't want to, or because I was going to a religious school at the time and if anyone has ever gone to a religious school...well, then you know how fun that can be. One of the reasons that I could/can actually acknowledge (to myself) about why I didn't try any of the feminine styles (fashion-wise) I wanted to is because I am painfully obviously a male. For the most part I like my style, but I've always been drawn to female goth/punk style, even before I realized something was off about me.

    This was roughly 1.5-2 years ago, and for a majority of that time I still felt awkward in my own skin, but told myself that was just because I didn't know how to feel natural as pangender, but after some time I'd figure it out. Periodically I'd have this ridiculous notion that I wished I was FtM. Where that comes from or what it means I have no clue, but it sure as hell doesn't make anything easier to figure out. A few months and panic attacks ago, I suddenly grew this seething hatred over how stupid I was, trying to convince myself I was this or that, when I don't even know what I am.

    I know that interests should have no big say on how you choose to express your gender so I've never had a problem with dealing with that. Most of my interests are typical 'guy' interests, though I have others that are typical 'girl' ones but, again, I know that that's mostly societal BS that's ingrained into my thinking 'this is masculine' and 'this is feminine'.

    So......yeh, that's been cleansing, putting that into one place. Now what's it supposed to mean?
     
  2. gravechild

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    Perhaps it's an issue outside of your gender concerns that has you feeling out of place... I think a lot of people seem to think labels and transitions are the magic solutions to feeling comfortable in our own skin, and while they can certainly help us get there, they aren't the be all and end all. Far from it, honestly, so don't get too caught up in terminology.

    Anyway, it's not about fitting yourself into a label (tried it, only added stress to stress), but choosing a label that fits you, if at all. Doing or not doing something doesn't make you any less trans than anyone else, if you feel you are, and no one has the right to tell you otherwise, since they're not in your shoes.

    If you don't have a strong sense of self outside of this, then yeah, it's going to be even more of a focus than it might be someone who otherwise defines themselves by who they are or what they do. For instance... I sometimes define myself to others by MBTI type, hobbies, nationality, etc. There's a lot more to me, as a person, than simply my gender or sexuality. It's important to remember this, to not only know where you're going, but not to forget where you came from, so to speak.
     
  3. Aarin

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    Here's my advice: 1. You can as feminine or masculine as you want and be one gender. I'm a ftm (I've wished I was mtf and have had dreams that I was), but I'm not 100% male. I'm only 75-90% male and can act very feminine, but that doesn't make me any less of a man. 2. You don't have to be just one gender. You can be agender, bigender, gender queer, gender fluid, etc. You can present as male, female, androgynous, and change it as much as you want. Don't let society restrict you. Just be you.
     
  4. clockworkfox

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    Yeah, I agree. The important thing is to be yourself, do what's comfortable to you. I personally feel non-binary, but for now, I've adopted the label "transmasculine" as opposed to "transman", since, well, I'm not positive I am a man, but I do feel more male than female. Present how you want to, enjoy what fulfils you, and don't worry about how trans you are. What matters is that you're you. :slight_smile: