You probably know that I'm referring to dysphoria in the title. I guess that's accurate anyway...I mean the dysphoria itself is getting worse too, but it's mostly the thoughts and feelings I have when I'm around people. Constantly monitoring how I'm acting, then thinking about how I should act. Constantly wondering what people are thinking...they're probably just assuming I'm a lesbian. Has anyone wondered if it's something else...has anyone figured out the truth? I think it's mostly because I started a new job with an ambulance company about 2 months ago. I have a crazy schedule because of school so I'm working with a different person every day. A different new person each day that I have to worry about as far as hiding/not hiding who I am. There's also been this weird thought process I've noticed lately. When I'm around women/girls, I catch myself thinking "I'm not one of you/them...can you/they tell...?" and when I'm around men/boys its "I'm one of you/them...can you/they tell...?" I feel like I'm undercover or something all the time, like I'm in a disguise. Pretending to be female. Hiding who I am underneath. It's starting to make everything feel strange...like I'm disconnected from the rest of the world. I feel really alone lately...almost like an alien... Does anyone have any advice, or at least can relate?
I know exactly how you feel (just from the opposite perspective). I don't think I could have put it nearly as eloquently as you have though. I can't offer any advice, because I'm still working through it myself, but I can let you know that you aren't alone and that you've helped me a little by reminding me of the same. (*hug*)
I can definitely relate. Its gets pretty tough and its very hard to manage, I'm not even quite sure how to overcome it, I just bear with it. I can't give you much advice, except don't let it take over too much of your life, but I can let you know you are not alone, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here.
I can totally relate. I still get that thought process wondering if girls know that I'm male even though I am out now. I also began to feel really, really disconnected before I came out. It just felt like I was not part of the world... things have been better since I have come out, but I still do get thoughts like you mentioned sometimes.
Thanks (*hug*) It means a lot just to know someone else understands. I try to just bear with it, its just some days I can't keep toughing it out anymore and I get really depressed (that doesn't even seem to describe it, but I'm sure you understand what I mean) I'm not sure. I'm sure I wouldn't be rejected by EVERYONE...I just don't know if I'm in a strong enough place mentally to handle all the stress and questions and pretty much inevitable rejection by at least a couple people. I have a really good friend from another online community that knows how I identify...last night she brought up how maybe I should talk to a therapist or something now that I have a job with insurance. I promised her months ago that I would when I was able to. I know I should, but I'm afraid to. It's like that would make it even more real...I kinda just want to hide from this somehow.
