Honestly it just feels like because I know I transitioned I will never stop using that fact to hurt myself. If I am in a bad mood I call myself masculine, ugly, I start to look like a man to myself when I didn't at all just a day before, I start thinking about life if I detransitioned, getting relief from all this pressure that only exists in my head. I start to feel helpless about all my flaws, subhuman, a second-class citizen and not a real girl, I feel dumpy about my body and unsexy or just flat out gross. The confusing part is I didn't even want to be super girly or a glam sex bomb or anything when I first transitioned, and I didn't expect super much of myself, I just felt like I would be better off as a girl. But the process warped my self-image so much in such a bad way, I latched onto cis standards to try to feel better about myself and I became a victim of all the mixed messages and fake airbrushed standards cis girls have to live up to except while feeling fragile and inferior as a girl to cis girls in the first place... So I sit there doubting my transition, basically as a way to self-harm, only it is emotional self-harm and it's a gaping wound that never closes.... like, I struggle with cutting too but this is so much harder to avoid because all I have to do is THINK about it to hurt myself and it can get really hard to distract... :icon_sad: Sorry, I got triggered by some weird proportioned photos of my Halloween costume... it's always little things like this that send me into a spiral of self-hate... :dry: they weren't even that bad it just happens so easily... Ummm, but... does anyone else feel like this? Like being trans just makes you so unstable and it's such an easy target for when you feel bad about yourself?
In a way, I understand you. I am not to such a degree where I HATE myself, but I hate this aspect of myself. I think "You were born a girl, why can't you just be one of them? A 'normal' 'girl'?" and I continue to wish I was what's considered "normal" to society. I still struggle with my identity and still question myself to this day. Am I really this way? Did I just psych myself into believing I am? Am I subconsciously trying to be a special snowflake? Then other times the questions morph into the complete opposite of doubt. Why can't I be taller? I'll never pass at 5'2 . These fucking skinny jeans, my feminine shape is going to throw off my entire look. Why can't I just buy guys' jeans? Why can't my mom just let me buy what I want? I'll never fucking pass. Why do I even bother passing, you can always tell. And the list goes on and on. But at the end of the day, I try to remember that it doesn't matter what anyone else sees. If I feel like the manliest damn man to ever walk the earth, then good for me! Screw what everyone else is saying in their head! We have to love ourselves before we can gain confidence. And once you feel confident, it won't matter if you pass as female (or look completely neutral) to anyone else. Whenever you feel down/ugly/masculine, just remember that there are people here who think you're perfect the way you are, and you try to believe it as well I don't know if this will help, but I just felt like I needed to say something. Keep moving forward, friend! You've come far and can only go further from here!
Hi, no, thank you, it really helps I feel bad for even struggling with this as much as I do. The thing is I don't have problems passing as the gender I present as and never seem to have had them. Though, I mostly had your same problems as a boy and if I tried to live as one again... it would be the same thing. I do end up feeling weird because of what's in my pants though, even if everything else is totally obviously female. But it's like, it doesn't even matter, I still doubt myself ALL the time. I have identity problems so if I ever decide I am one thing or another... I am really gonna doubt myself later and even when everyone totally accepts me it makes me secretly believe they don't. It makes the whole world scary and hostile. And I just have this bad habit of fantasizing... some days I REALLY want to be a boy again, even if I don't feel manly. Urgh. It's so frustrating! I hope I don't sound really irritating but it is honestly really hard. Lately I feel like maybe genderfluid is the right word but... OTOH it is kinda hard to live openly genderfluid right? Either way I need to make more LGBT friends in my life who might understand this. Thank you so much for your upbeat post it really helped me feel better. You are right that confidence in ourselves is so important!!!!!!!
No problem! . I really get how you feel with doubting. It really sucks, and sometimes it's like I just want to live as a girl because it's so "easy", but I know it would make me miserable. And as for others, I have accepting friends, but I always feel as though they just see me as the "butch lesbian" because I always have that doubt in my mind. I think, if we all just try to let go, to not have so much control, we'd feel a lot better. Everything is fluid, and in the end everything will work itself out ^.^
I am glad you have accepting friends!! but I hope you defend your identity to them too. Ya know, I just hate the way the world can be about these things. (Kinda vent warning here lol...) I got super triggered back into all of this earlier and fought over it with my boyfriend. I think it's hard for a lot of people to understand why if it's so easy and right-seeming for me to be a girl, would I want to give it up. He doesn't try to understand that my feelings of wanting to stop being trans and being unhappy with being trans/feeling like I have to be trans are not my choice, they are invasive and I can't help it. And I was thinking like, legally, I AM still a boy. Why can't I just go out tomorrow saying I am one?? Why does that little change suddenly mean to everyone I am a transvestite weirdo? Why does it have to change how they think of me so much? I totally ADORE my wardrobe. It's cute and pretty, it's so me, and it fits my body. They don't even make boy's clothes that fit my body or (for the most part) my taste, so why would it be such a big deal if I just kept wearing clothes that are so perfect for ME! Why would it matter if I wanna keep my hair long, dye it, wear fab updos, paint my nails, whatever? I LOVE all the things I do that are femme and doing those things is the only way I can honestly be me, but it just feels like as soon as I say I wanna live as a boy who basically is just a sort of stereotypical picture of a girl, because that is all I can really be if I'm being me, all hell breaks loose. It's like, I wonder, can I just let people think I'm a girl but stay living as a boy in the long run? And only tell my friends I am a boy? I don't really need to pass as a boy I think I just need to feel natural and OK with myself. I really don't like being trans. It really hurts my head and my sanity so much. It's so confusing though.
This was quite a long post, but all I can say is, in the end, do what makes YOU happy and feel right with yourself. Maybe you don't even have to wear a label! Everyone is human, so just go with what makes you comfortable and happy and screw everyone else! But at the same time, try not to make a choice because it's the "easier" option (i.e "being a boy is easier so I'll live as one"). Be patient with yourself, and don't overthink too much
Haha, sorry it was so long. Thank ya again for your kind advice I wanna make that a big sign and put it on my wall or something... screw everyone else!!! :lol:
