Hi everyone, first off thanks in advance for listening, I really appreciate it. So almost positive I am MTF trans, but there's still some uncertainty in my mind, and I was hoping maybe someone had some advice to help or maybe even had the same thoughts. My earliest memories of act/wanting to be feminine was when I was around seven. Me and my two sisters and my cousin would play house, and instead of being the husband I always wanted to be the wife, I thought being the husband was icky(I was seven at the time, icky was still in ) As I kid I liked to play with my sister's dolls and pretend to give them makeovers and cut their hair trying to style it up like I saw my stepmother do (I REALLY got in trouble with my sisters for that one) and just generally thought of myself as identifying as more female than male. I didn't play sports, and normally didn't really want to go outside unless we were walking through the woods or something like that. My favorite show growing up was the powerpuff girls, and I could always identify with Bubbles the most (I used to be/still am very shy). When puberty hit, it got bad. I remember my dad talking about how i'd get hair over my body and on my legs and other places, and I remember blatently telling him I wasn't. When it did happen, I constantly tried to get rid of the hair, everywhere. Around this time (about 10 or so) I realized I wouldn't be a girl. I remember wishing on stars, praying, doing anything I thought would do it to be a girl. When down there started growing, I freaked out. I tucked it down, pushed it between my legs, at one point tried to push it inside me... but, once I realized it wouldn't, I kinda became distant, emotionally, from everything. My school grades fell, I stopped doing anything in class at all, stopped talking to people, and fell into a depression. Originally I thought it was because my parents divorced when I was young, and my stepmother abused me was the cause for depression, but I thought it odd that It didn't bother me, that maybe it was subconscious. this continued till I was about fourteen or fifteen, when I learned about gender dysphoria and transgenderism, and became curious. Eventually I figured out where the depression really came from, but thought that all boys went through that, and confessed to my friend Brandon by disguising it as a joke (Brandon's very open minded, so I knew if it wasn't normal then he would not discriminate me)and he said that it wasn't normal and we began talking and eventually wound up realizing I was transgendered, or at least felt like it. Soon, i'm planning on going to a gender therapist about it and getting started on HRT, and when I think about being female, i'm genuinely happy, which is rare for me lately, but lately also, since I made the decision to go to a therapist, it's like 99 per cent of the time I want to do it, and then that 1 percent where I don't know if it's me being scared to go through with it or if my mind's backtracking or if it's just me trying to hold myself back for some reason. I want to go fully female, including SRS, but has anyone else had feelings like this before going to a therapist? is it just "jitters" or something? Thank's for answering
It's a really REALLY big change in a lot of ways, of course you'll be nervous! "What if I'm wrong" "What if people don't like me" "What if I don't look right" "What if I'm not as pretty as I want" "What if I'm still not happy" "What if all I REALLY wanted was a motorbike!" You know how you feel. I had doubts myself for a while, mainly thanks to my mum constantly asking me 'what if it's a PHASE!'. Before I told my sisters, I would only get to be Holly on the outside every other week for a few hours. I would go and see my friends and I had to stay in the house in case somebody who knew my family say me and told them! The thing that killed my doubts started when one day when I had to go to work after visiting my friends. Prepare for a stoooory! So I went to visit my friends. My best friend was visiting (he lives hours away) so I HAD to go see him even though I had work in the evening. Now this was the first time he had MET Holly. So I got dressed and went to see him. He told me how happy I looked and started pointing things out that I did differently without thinking. The ways I emote or act. He even said I was cute! After a few hours I had to go to work, so I changed in my friends bathroom. The first thing my friend said was how I looked awful. I really looked sad. This was the first time I'd gone from Holly all-over and been FORCED back to 'normal'. I felt crap, I looked miserable and everybody knew it. I got to work and tried to ignore it. Put on a smile and did my job. It helps that I love my job so usually that's not a problem. On this day however, I did a really bad job. I spent the whole time thinking about when I could be Holly again. I counted the minutes until I had to leave and could stop pretending. I only had to work for 3 hours, I could go back to my friends afterwards and be Holly again. It was the longest 3 hours of my life. All my problems seemed to pile up on me during that time and I hated every minute of it. But I spent the whole time trying to tell myself that I wasn't actually trans. I kept telling myself that I didn't actually want to be a woman, I was just bored. All the usual things you tell yourself. When I got back to my friends everything lifted. I could think straight again. It felt like a weight was lifted. That was when the doubts started to die. I realised the longer I denied this part of me, the more difficult life was going to be. If I can't do a job I LOVE because it's bothering me this much, how can I be expected to do all the things I can't stand that make up the rest of life. Point is, and it may be different for you, that nerves are natural before something so big. If you are certain it's what you want, and you sound pretty sure, then maybe see what you can do before seeing a therapist. Then go for it, if nothing else the therapist should help you figure it out! Good luck!
Thanks, I've actually been working on trying to get the voice down for a few months, and maybe an hour or so after I posted this finally got it down thanks to a vid of a MS Candi (previously tried with other techniques like deep stealth shows and a few others, none of them worked) And when I finally got it down, and got my voice to switch into a female register, I couldn't help but laugh, not that it was funny, but because I was so happy I couldn't help it. I think you're right, it IS just the jitters, because now the only voice i'm wanting to use is my femme voice XD I love it (still gotta work on it some though) it literally feels like it's right. I think this is my breakthrough point, lol. Where I live you have to see a gender therapist before you can get HRT on any procedure, but right now I'm talking with my friend Brandon on vid being more femme. Thanks so much (*hug*)
Yeah it's the same here! Which sucks because the doctor doesn't even know how to refer me! I have to do his job for him! I'm glad I could help (*hug*) Well done on the voice! I've got to try at some stage but it's a nightmare
008 transgender voice-1 - YouTube This is the only one that worked for me. the whole tightening your voice is the trickiest part, but one your past that, it's smooth sailing
