So I have a problem and I'm not sure how to deal with it. So as many of you will know I have recently begun to transition to my female form. I chose the name Holly because it felt almost like it belonged to me. It sat in my head where all other names drifted away. The problem is two-fold. The first is most specifically to do with my mother, although it could easily be applied to almost anybody I know. Before I began my transition, whenever my mum would use my birth name, it felt good. It sounds really sappy to say but you could tell there was love behind it. Now, obviously my mum has had 23 years of calling me by this name and only 2 weeks of calling me Holly. She isn't HAPPY that I'm doing this although she accepts it. Part of me is really scared that she is putting unnecessary mental blocks in the way and is making it harder to work with than it is. Actually that's not true. I KNOW she is doing it, what I worry about is whether she is doing it on purpose so she doesn't have to accept it. Anyway, because she is having difficulty remembering to use my new name, every time she says it, it sounds forced. It IS forced. The problem is, that sense of love is not there. The name belongs to me, but mum doesn't see that. I'm really REALLY worried that she may never see that. She keeps telling me that to her I'll always be ****. I don't want her to spend forever wishing she could call me **** and to never call me Holly with that same loving instinct. She tried calling me a nickname once, she came in gave me a big hug and said "Hellooooo Holly-polly!". I felt it then. I told her about this and she seemed pleased but she hasn't done it since. The second part is how this is making me feel. Basically I'm terrified. I know it's only been a few weeks but it feels awful. One part of me is jumping for joy knowing that I can finally be the person I'm supposed to be. I feel like I can do all the things I'm supposed to do, or at least I know what they are even if I don't have the confidence to do them yet. The other part of me is miserable. I am really close to my family, I love them to bits. I don't WANT this big rift between us. But every day it seems to get wider. It's almost as though the more obvious it becomes that this isn't a phase, the wider the gap can get. This has led to a very strange situation where the more I feel like ME the less I feel like me! In other words, the more I feel like Holly, the person I am inside, the less I feel like ME the person other people like. I am constantly aware of this wedge people seem to think I've put between us. I know I am not different in anything but name (and some clothes!). But no matter how many times I try and persuade people of this fact and they appear to accept it, they forget. Especially mum. She does try, I know she does, but it's so hard to think that I will have to wait for goodness knows how long before mum calls me Holly naturally and she attaches the same love and feeling to the name as she did my old one. Part of me wants to go back on myself and say 'well, if I called myself Holly ****(girl version) Naomi ******* then I can have **** as a nickname'. I think that just because I cannot bare to have so little feeling behind my name when someone speaks to me. As if they are addressing a piece of furniture! Something of no emotional value! But I don't want that. For starters I HATE the female version of my birth name. But also, most of my family just wouldn't bother to call me Holly. I would NEVER get to that place. 'Holly' will never be more than a technical label for them if I don't stick to it. I don't want that either! This morning mum repeatedly asked me why I looked so sad. I couldn't tell her about this. It feels like she is waiting for me to say that this was all a big mistake and that I wanted to go back to being **** and pretend it never happened. She says she doesn't and maybe it's the truth, but it cuts like a knife when she asks me, almost expecting the answer. If I tell her this, there is a high chance she will assume I regret my decision. Unless I cry. If I cry, my emotions are accepted. Otherwise, they may as well all mean nothing. I don't want to cry, not again. I don't know what to do. I will explain this to my therapist on wednesday but between now and then I have to sit through it. I have to sit here and put on a smile when all I want to do is bury myself in my bed and cry until I have nothing left. I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I'm not sure what my goal is for this thread. Advice on how to cope? Comforting words? Assurance that I'm not alone in feeling like this? Anything would be could... please just help me... :tears:
Aww Holly I'm so sorry you are going through this! Maybe bring up again how you felt when she said "Hellooooo Holly-polly!" I do think she loves you and is trying, just give it more time. *hug*
Hey Holly! I teared up reading this, I can see the love between you and your Mom, but also the barriers that such a thing can bestow in the beginning. But the love is there! And I think with time and this love, you and your family will figure all this out. For what it's worth I think you're awesome, you've started on the path of something that not many people have the strength to do, I hope that offers you some comfort and some strength. I'm like you, everything in my life seems wrong right now, but we have good qualities and are deserving of happiness and love (though we may forget this), and each day is a chance to get that much closer to the lives we've dreamed of. Take heart. I hope this helped. You sound like a very sweet person, feel free to message me anytime!
Just keep in mind it takes a few weeks for anyone to get used to a different name. It took my girlfriend a few to not slip up and call me ***** instead of Charlie, and the same went for me when i started calling her Kelsey instead of *******. It's hard. But it's also the same logic as when a child changes there name. My mother's name was Susie and she changes it to Stephanie later in life. Her parents were upset that she had thrown away her birth name, and my mom wasn't even changing genders. In a way her parents took it as an insult. It's sort of like that. All you can do is force her to keep calling you Holly. Because "a rose by any other name, still smells just as sweet".
I'm sorry, Holly. I wish I could help, but I have a grand total of zero experience here. The best I can do is give you all kinds of internet hugs! (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
Man, it's been a year, and my mum has only gotten it down to half my birthname. I'd hug the shit outta her if she called me Ruthven/Rude. Of course, she's still using wrong pronouns as well. I'm changing my name, and needed my birth certificate, and she actually gave it to me, so I'm hoping one day she'll start calling me the right shit.
I just had to learn to get over it with my parents. They're really clumsy with this and they're trying... ugh, but I don't see them often so... I still treat them like human beings and I think they mostly do the same to me, and slowly they are coming around.
I have the same problem. Three years later, my name (and male pronouns) still sounds forced when my mother says it, and I still don't hear the love in it. Needless to say, I don't know how to solve it.
It's been a while since I came out, and even though my mum has gotten better at using the right name, she still slips up, and the forced tone a lot of us unfortunately recognise, sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me. I don't know how to solve the problem, either. I basically had to swear and tell her that the person she kept addressing had passed away a while ago, which helped. Or, I simply would ignore any request if she used my former name. I also used to refer to her as, "dad," or, "grandpa," in attempts to annoy her by not using the correct title, hoping it would resonate, which it did. All I can say is that it takes force, and plenty of it.
