Ok.. Well.. This is the first time speaking about this anywhere other than inside my own head so bare with me all.. Well, I'm 19 years old.. Biologically female and still to this day identifies as female. Although recently I've been having thoughts if I might be trans? For a long time I was in denial of it, I thought "I could never do that" and still even talking about it or thinking about it scares me to death... Recently, my family just found out I was gay and dating a girl and that was hard enough even though most of the feedback was extremely supportive and positive. It's still was hard.. As I'm sure most, if not all of you would know. Also the thing of it is, I don't know if I'm trans.. I don't like being called a girl in any sense of the way.. And I need to start somewhere to figure out where I am, and I thought there would be no better place than here to start getting advice. I guess I should start from all the way when I was young... Really young like from when I can remember, I never liked girly things. I always wanted to be dressed in boy clothes, so I always told I was a tomboy. which, you know, is reasonable for these kinds of things. But.. I remember I always wanted to take my shirt off lol. I had this friend who was a boy and always would take his shirt off when he played basketball and then I one time I did too. My sister saw and then got me in trouble with my mom. Another time we were at the beach and I wanted to wear swimming trunks I didn't want to wear a like a girls bathing suit and so after a lot of whining and complaining my dad actually let me lol though to my mom disapproved. I always wanted my haircut short but my mom never let me and I always wanted to buy boy clothes and was able to at least talk her into that but still made me wear some girls clothes which I never ever liked and still hate to this day. When I was elementary school age I would tell some of my friends that I was a boy but they had to keep it a secret and that my parents pretended to make me a girl (or something like that idk kids believe everything at that age lol) because I knew if they told my parents or a teacher or any adult authority figure they would immediately correct them and I'd get in trouble lol. I remember... Crying getting upset for being born a girl, never wanting to go to dance or girl scouts like my mom wanted me to do because it was "girly" and I would actually stuff tissue paper in my underwear to make it seem "bulgy" and try to think of ways to pee standing up even though I never could lol (that's embarrassing to admit but I was young). Skip ahead to middle school age, everything started becoming awkward. I didn't want to wear bras, I got my period, and I kinda feel like maybe I just accepted the girl thing. In 7th grade I tried dressing "more girly" like my mom suggested.. but that didn't last long at all. I would often be mistaken for a boy, which actually embarrassed me. I think because I was in that awkward middle school age and I thought they were basically calling me ugly and it was in front of my friends sometimes and it was just embarrassing.. I kinda pushed all the boy things I tried to do as a kid and just lived as a tomboy like my mom had said. Also in middle school, I made a fake online identity where I was a boy and talked to people.. And I really enjoyed it (I hurt the people I was friends with on there when I told them who I really was so I regret doing it wholeheartedly for that). I never knew people could actually be transgendered until high school age where one of the youtubers I watched and still watch called Twinfools came out as FtM. Initially I was just interested learning about the whole process and watching his transition and just supporting.. but it really just wasn't until fairly recently.. I started to maybe think I might be one too? I currently have a girlfriend that I've been dating for 4 months.. She's straight but she said I've been the only girl she's fallen for. To me.. that seems a little odd.. I mean I guess it is possible but I get a weird feeling there's more there.. But to this day I: -Feel uncomfortable being called a girl -Feel uncomfortable being called pretty (even though it's a nice gesture) -Hate wearing bathing suits and refuse to wear them even if I'm at the pool or beach I wear my clothes -Hate my body (especially my butt, hips, thighs) I have a hard time looking at my body in the mirror -Wear boy clothes.. 98% exclusively buy all my clothes in the men's department -Embarrassed about my period (even though all girls have periods around this age I hate mentioning it to anyone that it even exists for me unless it's my mom and sometimes sister) -Sometimes jealous of guys having penises (lol that's kinda embarrassing) -Hate my breasts -Feel uncomfortable being in the women's bathroom bc I feel like I don't belong there and almost like others around me think the same thing but they probably don't realistically xP -Think about my future being male (sometimes). I just don't know what to do at this point. While all of this is true, being a female doesn't really in all the sense bother me too much.. I mean, if it gets mentioned yeah I feel kinda weird but like.. I don't know.. If I'm really a FtM trans I will really be scared.. Because this is so out of everything I know. My parents.. my mother especially will be just heartbroken and completely in denial for it. Idk how my brother and sister would react... how my girlfriend would react.. or most of my friends.. My extended family.. It's a scary thought.. but I need to find out who I am inside. I know you guys can't tell me oh you're this or that but.. Advice, stories, opinions.. anything would help really.. I would much appreciate it, thank you much.
I would say that as someone who is also worried of their trans statues and trying to figure it out, I too struggle with coming out to my family. So far you seem to very much have the male characteristics down, so I must ask: if you could imagine yourself as being a guy, do you enjoy it? Do like or prefer when people (in your head) call you he/him? If so, you may really want to consider this. Still, go about this when you feel ready. As anyone on EC who is much older would agree, you don't have to rush transition; nobody is going to tell you you're too late/old to change your life. If you're scarred, try to seek support from a therapist, friends who understand and support you, and LGBT/trans groups. All of these communities are good places to start seeking emotional support, and EC has plenty of people that not only empathize with you, but sympathize as well.
You're not alone I'm going through the same thing right now. Being a girl for me is not only frustrating but uncomfortable as well. You should give these sights a look. You might find some useful info. Hudson's FTM Resource Guide The Transitional Male - Your Place for Transitioning Information and Presenting Gear
Yeah you're right.. This isn't really something I need to figure out right now. But the thing that scares me the most is if I am I'll be hurting my family... Thinking that their little girl or sister would be gone. Because that's the last thing I want.
