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I just really need some kind words. I hate myself.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Anonymous19, Nov 4, 2013.

  1. Anonymous19

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    I am 19 years old and physically I am a female. Ever since I can remember I have thought of myself as a boy. I've always been in my own little world and as a kid I would pretend I was boy. I have never told anyone I feel this way, except now on this forum. Other than here I never plan to share these feelings with anyone.

    I was always a tomboy, always wanted to play sports with the guys and never had many friends that were girls. I would wear tshirts and basketball shorts when outside playing and always dreaded shopping with my mom because it often ended in fights because I hated wearing the clothes for girls I felt uncomfortable and saw myself looking ridiculous, I was only comfortable in mens clothes and still am but I also hate looking like a girl that dresses like a guy. I just want to be a normal guy that dresses like a normal guy. The way I dress and act always really bothered my mom and sister. We would constantly get into fights about the way I dressed and the way I acted. My mother is a great person and I love her to death but she cares an awful lot about what people think. It is obvious to see that for me to not be the little girl that she really wants me to be kills her and this isolates us from one another and I am unable to share things with her, whether it is about a problem at school or something good that may have happened during my day. She is embarrassed of me.

    In elementary and middle school I would often get teased about being "manly" but I would act as it didnt bother me and tell a joke and shrug it off. I have always been known as the jokester and many see me as a very confident person because I dont show anything I really feel. I guess that is why I am here, too talk to someone since holding things in is really starting to eat me alive.

    After I hit puberty and started to develop feelings and crushes I started to realize the crushes were on girls and not guys and automatically assumed I was gay. I hated this, I personally have nothing against gays I just didnt want to be gay, I wanted to be like every other teenager. Being able to ask out my crush and go on a date without getting judged or stared at. I wanted to talk about my crushes with my friends and be just like every other teenager. I never spoke about this and fought myself on the fact that I was gay. I refused to believe that I was. My family is dead set against homosexuals. They often make remarks at the sight of homosexuals or the mention of them. Remarks such as "ew, fags are gross" or "I'm sure their parents are so proud of them." They think it is disgusting, for no reason at all. This only further assured the fact I could never come out and I fought the thought of myself being gay even more.

    Recently I have started to realize that I am not gay. I am honestly a guy trapped inside of a girls body. I was cursed at birth to be everything but normal. Everyday I start to hate myself more and more. I wake up in the morning and just getting ready for school or waking up I hate who I am. I want to be the normal, straight guy I feel I am. I want to have a girlfriend. I want to go shopping for clothes without feeling uncomfortable. I want to hang with guy friends and talk about girls. I want to go to the beach with my friends without feeling out of place. Its like a guy would feel uncomfortable wearing a bikini or a dress, and that is exactly how I feel.

    I dont wan't to be transgender, I don't want to have surgery, I don't want to be this person. I have realized I will never be happy. I feel robbed. It is not fair. I will never experience true love, I will never feel normal. I will live the rest of my life unhappy and there isn't a thing I can do about it. This is who I am and I hate myself. Those that are normal do not realize how lucky they are to be them. Hating myself consumes my every thought. I should not be this girl. I am not a girl. Its hard for me to understand why this is who I am, it is hard for me to live through everyday life. My mom recently got very sick and needs me to care for her. I can honestly say this is just about the only reason I have pushed through life everyday. I am severely depressed but cannot talk to someone because the main source of my unhappiness is not something I am willing to share. I am looking for some words of encouragement in order to pick myself back up and push through the motions of life. I need to find motivation to keep living. :bang: I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I feel alone as the only friend I had was never really a friend at all. She suddenly stopped talking to me because she suspected I was gay. My father was abusive and hated my guts and friends have always been something I wished I had but never actually had a real one. I feel isolated and unwanted and I wish there was someone who cared. If anyone can somehow just give some kind words. Anything that will help me from crying myself to sleep for one night. Because I could really just use something to put a smile on my face. :help: I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this and anyone who responds with kind words. God Bless.
     
  2. Saint Otaku

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    I may not be transgender, but I do realize the utter despair of being that which is undesirable and even to some people -- even to those who should love us most --, detestable. I love you, and I hope the silent love of all of EC and myself shall comfort you in your future struggles. I, your silent friend, wish you the best of luck! ^.^
     
  3. Nick07

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    Hi and welcome to EC.

    Motivation to live? You are only 19! You can change your whole life. Finish school, find a job and move out. Nobody expects you to live with your parents or in a homophobic town for the rest of your life. You can probably move out of your country too if you wanted.

    You feel isolated because you do isolate yourself from the others. There are for sure gay people in your school. But you don't want to be one of them. But trans* people belong to lgbt group too. You could meet someone with the same problems there.
    If you are trans* it won't change just because you don't want to be. Find some support. Either in your school, or here. Call an anonymous helpline or find a therapist.

    It's up to you if you will hang out with homophobic "friends" or find new ones.

    You are in denial and barganing state. Do a lot of reading here. With knowledge comes acceptance.

    You will be all right, but you need to DECIDE to change your attitude. *hug*
     
  4. Grimm

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    [​IMG]

    All I can really say is: you're not alone in this.

    A lot of what you describe sounds quite familiar to myself, given from the other side of the gender spectrum. I never told anyone about any of my feelings because I tried so very hard to be the young man that everyone expected me to be. I even lied to myself and pushed all of the real me down under the expectations. Finally, when I got out of my hometown and moved to go to college, there weren't nearly as many expectations from these new people that didn't know me. All that was left to hold me back was the shell I'd built for everyone else. And his willpower sucks. A couple weeks ago, everything I'd been holding back came crashing through. I got on here after a little bit of research. I've started visiting a therapist. Everything is pointing up for me, and it can be for you, too.

    I want to encourage you to open up, at least on EC if you don't feel it's possible to tell anyone you know about your feelings. Explore who you feel you really are in a safe place. They will take you in with open arms, just as they did me. And I'll be there with them. As for all that nasty dysphoria, you should really try talking to a gender therapist. I know it's hard when you've been holding it in for so long. It was scary as hell for me the first time I actually said the words out loud instead of just typing them into a computer. But it does help. More than you think it will. (&&&)

    If you ever need to talk, just log on. EC's really a great place. We will love you, and hug you, and call you George (or whatever you prefer :icon_bigg).

    If you live in the U.S., you should check out gender.org's resource page to find local resources for your state.

    And if everything else here didn't manage to make you laugh or at least smile a little, here's a picture of a bunch of funny kittens:

    [​IMG]

    Because laughter is the best medicine, and kittens are hilarious. :icon_bigg
     
  5. GirlWhoWaited

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    Sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this pain and frustration. I just want you to know one thing. Normal does not exist. I'm not trans, but I know how it feels to live a lie. Be who you were meant to be, and you'll find the people who were meant to love you. (*hug*)
     
  6. Anonymous19

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    I just want to thank all of you for your kind words and taking the time to read and try and cheer up a total stranger. It is appreciated and I am very grateful. So thank you.
     
  7. Nick07

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    Soon, it will be you who will cheer up other members of EC :slight_smile:
     
  8. GirlWhoWaited

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    Anytime. I hope you're doing better, or that you are on the way there. (*hug*)
     
  9. DrkRayne

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    *hugs* Oh I wish I could come through this computer and give you a hug. But just know one thing...it gets better.

    I'm not trans but I grew up with a homophobe mom and living in a cult and I know what its like to hear others talk about you while they don't know it and what its like to live in hiding.

    But when you get a chance to get out there...away from home away from the homophobia you will see that life is soo much better. Love yourself. Love who you are on the inside and just know what one day...you will be away form all the hatred and able to live as you wish :slight_smile:
     
  10. anonym

    anonym Guest

    @Anonymous19 - I have never been any good with words but after just reading your post, I felt that I had to say something. I am in a bad place myself at the moment with my gender identity. Those feelings you describe - hating yourself, fearing that you'll never be happy, never be normal, never find love - they are all too familiar to me. I watch cisgendered people out shopping or wherever with their friends or girlfriends/boyfriends and I wish I could be like them. Instead, I feel like I'm living in another world, trapped inside this body, this woman that isn't me. So I want you to know that you are not alone. I don't know any other trans people yet, but I'm guessing that these feelings are 'normal' for people like us. Another thing that strikes me, you are so strong to have kept all of these feelings to yourself for all this time. But you don't have to anymore. I would suggest looking for support, whether it's a trans group, a therapist or even your GP
     
  11. Anonymous19

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    I would once again like to say thank you everyone who took the time to write kind words for me. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to just hear that someone cares even just a bit, even if I do not know them, it still makes me feel better hearing all your kind words. I am feeling a bit better than before... not great by any means but not so low. Hopefully I will soon find the road I can travel to where I may one day be happy and feel comfortable in my own skin.

    @Anonym Thank you for responding to my post. It feels nice to know that I am not completely alone in the way I am feeling. I hope that you know that I appreciate your post very much and I thank you for your advice, but unfortunately I just don't think I am ready to talk with someone about this, I just don't feel comfortable or safe confiding with anyone. Quick judgement is all to frequent as well as feared in this day in age and I have trouble in trust. Nevertheless I hope you are doing well and thank you.

    Much Love.
     
    #11 Anonymous19, Nov 10, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2013
  12. Believe me I care. No matter how bad things ever seem to be they will always get better.
    You're only 19 you have decades ahead of you!
    Don't think about yourself that way. You are perfect, there is nothing wrong with you, and nothing to hate. You're exactly who you should be, because you are you, and whoever you are is someone amazing that deserved to be showered in love and happiness, no one in their right mind could ever doubt that!