I know there are many posts like this, but i am one of the many that are confused by there gender identity, and i thank anyone who chose this thread and bothers to read it. I guess you could say i'm not one of those people who "always" knew they where in the wrong body. I never really despised being me, i just didn't care what anyone thought. Granted, i really hate living in a women's role in society, and don't even get me started on pregnancy and periods, but that doesn't necessarily make me a guy. Up until recently i had been finally reaching where i had accepted being a lesbian, and being happy for that, but something is still missing. Every time i am with a woman, i feel out of place and undesired. i feel like i'm not enough for them, even though there is nothing really wrong with me, and i'm fairly attractive as a female, so this shouldn't bother me. More than that though i feel incapable in sex entirely. I feel the need to....well....penetrate, and more than just with toys. I want them to treat me like a guy, and it gives me a bit of a buzz when i get called by male character names rather than my own. A few months ago i discussed my feelings with a transman friend of mine, and he said it was something i really needed to think about before asking anyone. He seemed really uptight about everything, and i guess he didn't really see me as trans since i had been a female around him through my middle school and early high school, and he had known for as long as he could remember. Granted he didn't rule it out. After a while he allowed me to try his binding(he is about my size) and it was an amazing experience for me, even if i didn't quiet reaching passing. Through the months in between that experience and the present, i began to have really weird fantasies about guys from shows i had been watching in dreams and on my own time. Normally, that would just recall me to think i am bisexual, since i am already interested in women. However in all of these fantasies and dreams i was male to. I really don't like men, and the idea of being with one as a women disgusts me, but somehow in this way it feels totally natural. Some of the weirder dreams i have had even included me being aroused and hitting on my real self as a female while i was some other guy, seeing myself as a different person entirely. To me this is really really weird. I ignored it for a while, and eventually bought my own binder (plus packing, which my trans friend finds ridiculous to wear one and doesn't understand it seems ) through a friend after saving up some money to try it out, plus to attempt more realistic cross playing (which I've been doing for about 3 or 4 years now). When it finally came in i tried it on, and planned to mess with it a bit then give it a break and just think about it, along with testing the packing out. Trying it out on the street terrified me, but the instant i got the binding on i didn't want to remove it. At first it just made me happy, and that was that, but over the past week or so things have changed. I suddenly feel obsessed with my appearance(which never concerned me before) i'm freaked out my binding doesn't disguise me chest well enough, i feel i absolutely need new close so i can pass, and feel all around exhausted and driven to reach this hidden and high up pillar of masculinity. Now i feel scared and confused, and i feel like desiring this is wrong somehow, and that it got really potent really fast. I don't know what to do, and i don't know what to tell my friends or how to even talk to them about this. At the same time i have to hide these habits from my parents that are still reeling from me coming out as gay, and I'm terrified they'll hate me. I feel scared and i don't know why. Please help me out in you opinion if i really am transgendered or not. I just can't decide and need a good push in the right direction. I think the reason i'm confused is because i can't make up my mind, even though the idea of being a guy makes me happy, because the lifestyle is hard and i'm afraid of loosing the people around me. I know it's something i have to decide for myself, but i really need help.
Let me tell you that you're not the only one who only in their more recently though they we're trans and even then didn't hate their body (you can guess who I'm referring to ). Feeling as though you wish to play a more dominant role, be considered a male, and even feel anxious about transitioning are, as far as I can tell, larger signs of wanting to be a guy. It seems like you truly want to be a male, physically, mentally, and socially; nothing is wrong with desiring any of this, as it's the truest way of figuring out your gender. It may be difficult for your parents to accept, so you may wish to slowly come out, telling more people you can trust and then working your way through.
"A few months ago i discussed my feelings with a transman friend of mine, and he said it was something i really needed to think about before asking anyone. He seemed really uptight about everything, and i guess he didn't really see me as trans since i had been a female around him through my middle school and early high school, and he had known for as long as he could remember. Granted he didn't rule it out. " I'd be prepared to bet this has something to do with him not wanting you to go out and ask a bunch of people 'am I really a trans man' before you were more certain yourself. Transitioning isn't an easy thing to do and I think I can speak for basically everyone who has been through and is currently going through it when I say that if it isn't what you know you need to do, you probably shouldn't do it! One of the first things my mum said when I told her about this was that I had been "encouraged" or "brainwashed" and "led astray" be these "internet trolls". I flat out refuse to push you in either direction, it is a deeply personal choice and neither I, nor anybody else, can tell you what you need to do. I will say however that for my part I fully understand the feelings expressed in this post. I felt exactly the same way. Once I started and got over the initial 'I shouldn't being doing this I'm a freak!' bit, I realised what was going on. For me, it was the right thing, but it's up to you to decide if it's right for you. Btw, "it got really potent really fast." seems to be fairly common. I found that the more and more I lived as a girl the more we realised that if I'd been in a place to look for it, I could have discovered it myself years ago. I just wasn't in the right mind to do it. Perhaps you are just in the right place to discover yourself...good luck!
Yeah, I haven't been male since a young age. It's something that sorta "unlocked" and started evolving at late 17 or early 18 and now I'm almost 20. I don't know if this helps, but when it started to unlock for me, I was feeling more androgynous/genderless (though I didn't know the words and didn't know trans anything really). Soon it reached a point where I found myself typing randomly into google I identify more with male or something like that. Eventually, I realised I was male when I came across a picture of a trans dude named Loren Cameron and thought to myself, "that's what I want." But then I tried suppressing it for a while, cause it was so surreal to me, and I thought I could never be a true guy and stuff. But I got over that, accepting myself, even though I became more dysphoric and stuff. But now I feel like my mind's more aligned i guess, and my body just as to catch up with it. So maybe with more time, you'll be able to figure everything out with yourself and you'll be like more sure on things, you know? ElliaOtaku's right you gotta decide it all for you. And yeah, only you can know if you're a dude or maybe even something else. And yeah, you may lose people, but that will just show that they never truly loved you in the first place.
Thank you all so much for your help. i know this is a late reply, but all your comments got me started in realizing that i am indeed transgendered. i can't thank you all enough.
