Lately, I've been really upset about the way my body looks. I feel like my boobs are these huge protrusions coming off of my chest, and my hips and ass are stretching my pants out. Neither of these is really true, mind you. My measurements are 34"-28"-34". I'm not really big by any stretch of the imagination, but it bothers me because I feel like these things that I'm insecure about are really obvious to other people. My chest is never flat enough. My hips make my legs look skinny. It's extremely frustrating. I do let my actions speak for themselves, but I just wish my body didn't look so feminine. I'm short with tiny feet, tiny hands, and tiny wrists. As for the marriage segment of this post, I'm afraid that my husband can't live without the things I hate about my body. I can create the illusion of a flat-ish chest, but if I do that for too long, eventually, my chesticles are going to look like pancakes. I'm afraid that I can't have both my husband and my ideal body. It's dreadfully frightening, and I'm not even really sure what to do. I've already decided pretty definitively that I don't want to go on T, at least not soon, but I'd love to have top surgery. Too bad I can't afford it. I probably never will be able to either. My husband said that I just have to figure out what I can live with and what I can't and change things accordingly. I'm just really scared. I love him, and I don't want to risk losing him. But I also want to be who I am.
Not getting treatment could cause things to get worse- that's why gender dysphoria has treatments in the first place. Since you feel like you look too feminine... I reccomend a blog called Man 101 on Tumblr. It has a lot of good advice. As for your husband, you should probably ask him about it. Poor communication kills, and beating around the bush will just make the situation more confusing. Why do you not want T? I'm just wondering. T isn't the magical solution, and there are things you can do to help you pass without T, but it really helps.
Thanks for the blog recommendation. I'll have to check that out. Also, I do talk to my husband about it, but he's told me several times that he's not attracted to male bodies. He said that he will always love who I am, but he's not into bio-males. He doesn't seem like he's opposed to it, but he acts like he doesn't want me to do it. One of the reasons I don't want to take T is because I'm not sure if I'm ready or will ever be ready for body hair and facial hair. I shave my face already, and it's such a chore. I've also heard that T "just does something" to you, like it can change you mentally or something. I already take testosterone boosters, like for enhanced athletic performance, but that's it. I'm not even sure if they're doing anything though.
Hudson's Guide: FTM Testosterone Therapy Basics This has a lot of info about T and how it works. I can't give much more advice about your husband, though. Sorry...
It's OK. I really like Hudson's Guide. It does have a lot of good information. I just read something on Man 101 about T, and I think it kind of reinforces why I don't think I need it. I've noticed that people are treating me more like a guy even though I haven't come out to them. Maybe they're taking me seriously based on my actions. It could just be wishful thinking though.
You should check out ElectricDade's youtube channel. He's married to a woman who was a lesbian, and still is pretty much only attracted to females. That said, she's in a relationship with Dade, and love him for him, not for his gender. I did a horrible job of explaining - but you should check it out - there are some videos from her perspective, which would be your husband's perspective in your case. I second the communication idea - that's what first came to my mind. It will help tremendously if your husband is in on your journey with you, whatever that journey might be. Keep talking to him.
