I don't know how much longer I can do this...

I'm fed up. I'm so sick of these trans feelings and I wish they would just go away so I can feel a little okay again. Dysphoria is destroying me, and I feel utterly helpless, i just don't know what to do. My friend lent me a binder, and I am so happy, but I've become addicted to it. I dont want to ever take it off because I feel a bit better with it one. I wore it to p.e. and could barely breathe, I've fallen asleep with it on and my back has been hurting pretty badly, plus it leaves painful marks on my ribcage when I take it off, but I don't care, it helps the dysphoria, and right now I need whatever I can get. For some reason, I always do this, I searched why people hate transfolk so much and feel so...frustated. I'm sick of the hate and I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of worrying constantly of I pass, and thinking of nothing but this. I'm sick of thinking about how I'll never find a man to love me because I don't have the "right parts." I'm so sick of it all. But if I quit then I wouldn't be able to live. I can't live as her anymore, she makes me even more sick. Just the sound of her name makes me want to puke. I just wish God could've have been merciful and made me born the right gender. I have so many other things to deal with and this, this just makes me want to snap. I have to hide from my family, deal with some unsupportive friends, passing, dating, and hate from society. I just want to be a normal boy. Is that too much to ask?! I don't care if I have to deal with crap for being bisexual, and wanting, if I ever allow myself, to get married to a man, I'll deal with that, but being born in the wrong body I just, I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I just want to give up, but if I go back to being her I'll be absolutely miserable. I hate her so much, I hate me so much, and why do people think we choose this? Why the fuck would I choose this?! It gives me so much pain and grief and worry, why would this be a choice in the first place? No one chooses to feel this way, I can't help but feel like this, but I wish it would stop. I know I've finally accepted myself, but, the dysphoria, the pressure, the money it will take to get the testosterone and surgeries I need to be happy...its all so much. My only goals in life are to be a real man, and a musician, and I feel as if I can't accomplish them. I don't want to choose one or the other, I want, no, NEED them both in order to survive another day in this pitiful life. I know I must sound so incredibly depressing, but I'm just sick of it. I'm on the brink a meltdown, but am somehow keeping my composure, but I don't know for how much longer. How do I deal with this? Everyday it just seems to get harder, and I can't even make an attempt to get T until I'm eighteen, and that's two years from now. I know I'm only sixteen, but I'd really like to date some guys, but how? How when I'm almost positive I'll be rejected because how I am? I just feel so lonely, I have nothing but the internet to relate to, and I just feel like I'm coming undone. I wish I could change my brain to accept my gender at birth, but I can't. If I stay like thos, dysphoria feels like a noose tightening around my neck, but if I go back...I can't live. I don't want to be her, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Please, any help or advice would do. I'm just so scared, and I feel like such a failure of a man for being so emotional, because that's unfortunately how I was raised, that even writing this is becoming bothersome. Any help or advice would be absolutely wonderful. :help:

-Kisa

 

Thank you a lot for your help. As for your questions.

Failure of a man: to me, this is stupid. Anyone should be allowed to cry or get emotional, its just so taboo, especially in my family, that it makes me feel bad and I have to hide like always.


Dating: I am dressing, just need some new jeans. I pack when I go out, but only with certain friends. I try to make a voice deeper, and if I have to introduce myself then I'll use my preferred name, only of I'm with people who know and accept me, or I'm alone. I know they'll be some people out there who'll accept me, I just have terrible patience.


Life Goals: that's what I'm doing at the moment, I'm not the type of person ti givd easily, so I'm in thos for the long run. I know these goals are both very difficult and expensive to accomplish, but I know they're not impossible.


Hate: I understand that, before I even knew anything about transgenders, they confused me and I couldn't relate, until now...I know society is only starting to accept part of the LGBT community, and it'll be awhile until they accept us as well, I just hope something happens to speed up tue process.


Other Problems: I can't tell my parents, at least, not know. They say they'd accept a child whether they be gay, bisexual,lesbian, or transgender, but its only if its a child that doesn't share their blood. I know my parents would throw me out, or force me to be a female. I already go to therapy for mental issues, this will probably make my Mum want to send me away. I have to wait until I leave to tell them, or else I might be putting myself in danger.

Friends: I have a few friends that fully accept me, but I think some of them think more of it as a joke. Another friend says she will never use my preferred name, even when I change it, because she already knows my real name and doesn't want to learn a new one. Another friend of mine told she fully accepted me when I came out, and I feel as if sometimes she'll go out of her way to remind me I was born wrong.she's even outed me to a small group of friends by "accident." I was longer none of them heard, or ignored it. She hates change, so I can see why she doesn't like this, but I gave her the benefit of th doubt, and she simply abused it.


Passing: I try ti be as confident as I can, even if I'm terrified on the inside. At school, going out with frineds, and even home. I always call myself a guy, and I do what is considered "boy behaviour," but its only me being me. I do what I can to make me feel like a man, and my friends who accept try their best to help, so I guess its not as bad as it seems.
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Thanks for responding. I think I'm a bit better after having my head cleared a bit.