Over the past four years, I've had a wild journey of trying to identify with myself. It began with labeling myself as bisexual when I was 13. Then when I was 14-turning-15, I came out as a lesbian. I thought I was 100% okay with myself, but I knew there was something else inside of me that wasn't ready to be unleashed. Beforehand of questioning my sexuality, I've been questioning my gender since I was 12-ish. That has been a rollercoaster of it's own. I now call myself genderqueer/neutral because I don't affiliate with being a male or female. But sometimes I feel like maybe I'm transgendered? I'm not sure. I'm kind of a mess. I know I like girls for sure, but my gender is what that is messing me up.
Well let's separate two issues here, the gender thing is not related to sexuality. You can be trans and still like either sex! So what exactly are you thinking? You don't affiliate with either binary gender currently, so what are you feeling that makes you think it's still the wrong thing?
Hmm. I've always been a tomboy since I was a kid. I used to slick my hair back and call myself a boy to my friends and even adults (my mom told me that I used to want to be referred as Jimmy) and hung out majorly with boys. I never felt like a girl because not only was I interested in boy things, I wanted to be one. I used to get mad as a kid when I'd want to play football with them and they said I couldn't because I was a girl or something along those lines. I wanted to fit in with them. It was until 7th grade when puberty started and I called the shots, saying that I had to live with the body I got. My parents were expecting me to start dressing girlier and I conformed to them, as well as the girl friends that I had. I felt like I had to be girly to have friends, even guy friends because they thought a girl being a tomboy was weird. Ever since then, I began to hate the reflection in my mirror whenever I woke up each day. But I started to realize that I couldn't change myself and it was the way it was. I hid behind girly clothes, long hair, and makeup to fit in with the girls. I also started to get into girly things like painting nails to give up the boyish habits I've had. Given the point that I live in a right-winged religious town, I didn't want to be frowned upon. I now dress how I want to and I cut my hair, stuff like that, but I dunno. It's weird for me saying that certain things belong to certain genders because I think everything belongs to everyone, but this is just so that I make some sense and not mess with your head. Over the years, it's almost as if I'll have days where I'm comfortable in my skin and others where I just want to switch bodies with someone, a guy most of the time. I hate my chest so much that I keep talking about getting surgery to remove my breasts. I guess one of the reasons I can't identify as a man because I don't want to let down my parents and there are some "girl" things that I do enjoy doing. But yet, I can't identify as a woman either. I'm fine not having a penis, but everything else feels weird. It's hard trying to explain myself about this.
So what do you do on the days you feel like switching bodies? What kind of things do you think you could do to feel a little better on those days. You seem quite confident that you are happy to be a tomboy, but you're not happy about having breasts. I don't want to put ideas where they shouldn't be but have you thought about binding?
I just kinda live with it. I feel pretty down and I usually abandon myself from people for a while. I think if I just wrote about it, it'd be helpful. I already write in a journal, but I haven't written much about that. I've thought about it a lot, actually. I have small-ish breasts, so they're not too big. If I wear something baggy, they won't show. But, yeah.
So do you ever act like the tomboy you once were or are you still stuck acting girly for appearances sake>
I threw away acting girly when I began to realize how stupid I was being for trying to be what other people wanted me to be. As far as dressing goes, I'll do both. But I feel more myself when I wear more masculine clothing.
Maybe I could help you out, Like do you feel you should have been born the opposite sex, Do you have a desire to be the opposite sex, Are you bothered by your physical sex?
Sometimes, I feel like I should have been born male, but other times I feel alright being female. I have the desire to be a guy most of the time. The only part I feel bothered by my physical sex is my chest area and thighs. I want to look more like a guy.
You sound like your maybe bi gender or gender queer I'm not to familiar on the terms, But I know most trans guys desire to have male parts also not sure if you feel that way although it could be because surgery is not that advanced yet
I've been calling myself genderqueer and it seems to be the right definition so far. I'm still exploring, so that's why it's been difficult. I heard top surgery has advanced well and most trans guys get that surgery, but they wait for a while to get bottom surgery since that isn't as advanced as top surgery.
Yea that's what I'm gonna do get Top surgery for know, But theirs always YouTube videos of trans guys they might help you out, Most trans guys have felt this way from a very early start I know I did
I've been watching some trans guys on YouTube and they've been helping out. And that's cool ---------- Post added 10th Nov 2013 at 11:55 AM ---------- Thanks guys for helping me out! I really appreciate it!
My only sexual associations have been bisexual. Recently I have changed in that my experience with partnership has been purely homosexual, but we are not just homoerotic perverts, or mind teases. The world is hoping we can come out to them in a way to discover same sex pleasure and it's natural fulfillment. Recently I have been letting myself feel the rewards of having understanding attachments. My being a girl who went girl crazy, was a complete expression of how I wish my love for other men to be. It is so hard to set limitations on our sexual expressions, however being comfortable with my attraction to male nudity, has given me a great deal of food for thought.
