WARNING: This is long and mostly a spill of random stuff I haven't been able to discuss with anyone. I'm trying to find myself but I feel like I change so often there is no finding me. I can look in the mirror in the morning and think oh I'm a handsome guy and then come home at night and think oh I'm a sexy woman. Sometimes I'm in between as well. I am a girl but I don't always feel like one. I've tried explaining myself to a close friend but they just became confused and didn't understand my mindset. I dislike my genitals and breasts and am definitely not a lesbian for I can appreciate a hot woman but feel no attraction to her. I've lost 30lbs in an attempt to look more androgynous and have gotten a haircut, but not nearly as short as I wanted it. (If it were that short I'd have issues styling it most likely) Pre-elementary I was treated like a little princess wearing cute dresses and girly things. In elementary I began to feel out of place. I didn't like what I was and wanted to be an animal instead. I started gravitating towards guys more than girls in middle school and by highschool had more guy friends than girls. It was difficult when I started to hang out with groups of guys outside of school because of my family. They didn't think that it was right and thought maybe I was doing "things" or was going to be perceived as a whore. I feel much more comfortable talking with guys though. One guy friend told me he liked how I understood and could think like a guy when we were explaining a male perspective to a mutual female friend. Despite all this wanting to be a guy, feeling like one, wearing male/female clothes, I still appreciate some feminine things like my waist. (I have an hourglass figure) Over the years I've had one fling with a guy who is still a friend of mine, one 5 month relationship with a guy which I ended and regret even having it, and a super close friendship/FWB with another guy who I am currently drifting from for the second time in the last few years because of our slight age difference which is enough to make it hard to stick together. I love him lots anyways. He's the only guy I've told about wanting to be a guy to. I've found a trend in the men I'm attracted to. They're all bi, gay, or questioning. I've also found that if a stranger shows interest in me I'm immediately turned off. I rather be friends first. This year I went into school thinking maybe I'd find someone new to be with but no one interests me at all. No sexual attraction for sure. No emotional attraction. Nothing. I'm either completely neutral or in opposition to others all the time. My mother has questioned my sexuality multiple times (and has made it clear she doesn't like anything outside of the "straight guy and girl" relationship) even though I've repeated I'm not a lesbian a trillion times. My whole family thinks I'm "different" with my antisocial ways, and my lack of showing emotion, etc. One of my guy friends have recently slipped asking if I was a lesbian indirectly. He apparently doesn't care too much since he'd still date me if I'd say yes. If I could have chosen to be a male at birth I would have. As a girl I feel useless no matter what skills I possess or how much weight I can lift. But getting surgery and treatment to become a guy doesn't seem like it'd ever feel real enough. I still wouldn't have experienced growing up as a guy or having an actual male body.
Hi and welcome to the forum. I believe when you stay and read a lot of posts, you will find out that many people feel similar. The fact that you have xx years lived like a woman and were seen and treated as a woman has probably influenced you a lot. It is possible/probable that you are transgendered but the previous life brings doubts into realizing what gender you are. You are not useless as a woman. No matter what gender you 'choose', it will be always you. It won't change if you are nice and caring, or mean and bitter. It will make the life more right for you, but inside you won't become someone else.
Hi, Have you considered that maybe you simply can't choose between genders? Maybe you love things about both, and that's why you can see yourself as either on any given day? I struggled with what gender I wanted to be for about a year or so, but now I've realized that I can have the best of both worlds. I understand that you may feel more like a guy than a girl, or even more like a girl than a guy sometimes, but if there is going to be this conflict in your head, do you think you could try accepting the feelings of both and find some kind of balance? I walk proudly knowing I have the mind of both a male and a female inside of me, and while I know that may not be enough for many people, I wanted to bring the idea to you. I can relate to that feeling of disliking your own genitals; I get like that a lot. In fact, just like you, if I could choose which I would be born with, I would have been picked female instead of what I'm stuck with now. I agree that having surgrey wouldn't feel real enough. I noticed you or other people in your life make a connection between gender identity and sexual orintation. While it is true that these two things can go hand and hand, here in this community most of us understand there is a clear difference. I just wanted to make that clear. Even though I'm a guy and was treated as such in my childhood, I still relate to girls much better and I've always had more female friends than male ones. Maybe you and I both are simply making friends with the people we can relate to the most? Maybe your mind just so happens to work more like a guy's, just as mine works more like a girl's. It's not a bad thing, and in fact it brings a little more balace to our respective gender groups. I don't know if I've helped any, but I'm sure you're going to get many more replies from this great forum, and you'll get to the bottom of who you are. Oh, and I agree with what Nick07 said; You are you no matter what gender you are or which you would choose. In other words, no matter how you want to label yourself, you'll always be the person you are at this very moment.
Hi there. (*hug*) If you can't choose which gender you want to be, find a balance between male and female. Of course, you'd have to explain it to your family and friends, but just remember to let them know that you will be happy this way. Also, you could always be a full girl one day then full boy another day. In fact, doing this might even help you figure out which gender you are both more comfortable being and which one feels more 'natural' to you. I hope this helps. (*hug*)
Thanks ^-^ I've considered the full girl one day full guy another thing before actually. I just haven't done it yet. After reading more I think my best bet would to just accept a mixture of both. Not sure how I can explain this to friends and family though. I feel like they'd either not understand, try to change me, or think I'm just trying to be different for attention or something since I'm not lesbian. Or a mixture of all that. ---------- Post added 10th Nov 2013 at 11:26 AM ---------- Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate it, I didn't think anyone would bother and talk about it. I agree we are sort of alike with making friends with relate to and our minds and such. I'll try and get on here as often as I can ^-^ and it would let me post on your wall yet. Not enough forum posts.
Oh, I forgot there was that limit when you start out. Well I'm sure you'll have enough posts in no time. Glad I could help!
