This time I feel the need to explain everything so I apologise in advance for the long post. If you can be bothered to read it all then great :icon_bigg Comments are appreciated from everyone but I would especially like to hear back from trans people if compared with your own personal experience, you think I do sound trans (or not). Ok. Where to begin. I don't follow the typical trans narrative that the majority of people think is necessary but after joining this forum, I now know I don't have to so that's ok. I have only really had these feelings for about 18 months and I'm now 25 but once they took hold they've been pretty intense: Feeling disgusted with my body because its female and always would prefer an alternative body. Often male but other times unsure I hate wearing women's clothes and I often admire how guys dress and can look in their clothes. I want to look like them. But if I imagine myself in guys clothes I still perceive myself as female dressed in male clothes and it makes me feel unattractive/disgusted. Can't accept my sexuality because of the way I feel about my gender. I am mainly attracted to women though I can sometimes fancy men but I can't even think of having a relationship with either because of how I feel about my body/gender. I do not want to be in a relationship 'as a woman' and I feel that my sexuality comes from a male perspective. Feel uncomfortable with my name and title. I'm also starting to feel uncomfortable with being called 'she' or 'her'. It kind of makes me feel yukky. I have thought about a new name and sometimes it suits, sometimes it doesn't and feels 'fake'. When I see my reflection, I feel like it isn't me/not what I want to see. I can't see myself as a woman in the future - but I feel like if I do go ahead with transition it opens up a future for me. I sometimes experience a kind of dual personality - male (where I perceive myself as a man internally and feel like there is a life out there for me) and female (can either be more of a feminine woman or a masculine woman. But with both I feel disgusted with my sexuality/the idea of being a woman that fancies women/men and I can't imagine a future as that person) when I feel I'm in the female mode, the idea that I'm a male and want to become a man seems ridiculous but when I'm in the male mode, I feel kind of liberated and more optimistic about life. I have thought about changing to be physically male (reassignment and hormone treatment) and most of the time it appeals to me. I feel more comfortable with the idea of having a male body. But I don't feel comfortable about having a deep voice or a feminine voice either, I kind of want to be gender ambiguous in that respect I'm also not sure about having facial hair sometimes it appeals other times it's pure revulsion. A few days ago I felt sure I was ftm but something has triggered doubts in my mind. I think it's because I've been living in my female mode but I just feel there is nowhere for me to go in life as a woman. I do experience dysphoria but what I'm scared of is that it is born out of not wanting to be a woman because I can't accept that I'm masculine and a lesbian. I don't know I just feel I'm not trans enough, or not trans all but wish I was because my life is so f:***: up and it would be wiping the slate clean. When I ask myself, do I feel like a man, the answer is not really, I just feel like me and sometimes happen to think I might be more comfortable in a male body. Other times I feel sick at the thought of becoming a man but I don't want to stay put as a woman either. If you've got to the end thanks for reading. Writing this has already helped me see I definitely lean more towards ftm yet there is this massive doubt within me that doesn't take me seriously as a guy:icon_sad: so how can I expect other people to???
OK so after reading that, I can see why alarm bells are ringing in your head. So first I'll tell you the bits I can relate to and then move on to some things worth thinking about (if I can think of any!). Intense feelings that felt like they came from nowhere: The feelings are really strong once you realise them, because being fair, you've never let yourself think them. It's one of the reasons people assume it's just a phase. You get really into something for a while and then it fades away. We've all done it with some toy or a band or hobby. The alternate body and the mirror: I understand what you mean, but to paraphrase just about any mother of a trans-person "Doesn't EVERYONE want a different body?!". HOW you see yourself is important, but how you feel when you see it is more important. You say you see a guy sometimes. How do you feel when you see that guy? Other times you're not sure? How does that feel? How is it different to usual? I once told my mum that if I thought about myself with an improved body, I could never picture anything. I never wanted to be a 'fit' guy, but I HATED being the fat guy I was because face it, it was the result of me not giving a damn about my body. Why self-improve if you don't WANT the improvement? But when I think of a girl...I can see me, thinner, but not stupid skinny. Nice clothes, clean tidy hair. I can see that perfect girl. That's what I saw. What do YOU see? CLOTHES: See now you are the opposite of me. I see men's fashion and it disgusts me. There is a reason I've worn a graphic tee, over-shirt and cargo trousers/shorts exclusively, every day for the last decade or more. My smartest set of 'male' clothes is a plain tee, plain over-shirt, black cargos and some work boots. I HATE mens fashion. HATE IT. I could not and would not ever wear a suit, and yet I see some guys in them and I think DAMN they look good. But womens clothes, so much CHOICE. Cute dress, nice skirt, so many types of top! It sounds like you feel about the same, although with the genders reversed. Name and title: My 'real' name is comfortable because it's been used for years. But it's a shortened version of my real name. A nickname. My real name sounds stupid and doesn't fit me. Now I'm called Holly. It fits me. When people use it, it sometimes lacks the familiarity and love that my old name did, but it will come. It took a while to find a name that did. There were loads that went in to my head. Some stayed for a while, others went almost immediately. Picking your own name feels really weird! Things to think about Transitioning either direction isn't something you take lightly. It certainly isn't something you do if you're not damn sure it needs to be done. So the phrase " if I do go ahead with transition it opens up a future for me." fills me with question and concern. Mainly, WHY do you feel like that? While you are questioning, try to forget treatments for a while. That's learning the rules to a game you're not playing yet. There are plenty of ways to be more neutral without doing anything medical, which at the moment it sounds like would be a good thing for you. Now it's not my place to say if you are or are not transsexual. That's up to you. However I will point out that for those of us that know we ARE transsexual, we may have doubts sometimes but we know how we are isn't right, and the transition is about finding ways that we can FEEL ourselves. Now you don't seem to know who 'you' are. You say you experience dysphoria? What kind, what feels wrong? Now your last point is interesting. Could you be a masculine lesbian? Quite possible. Why is that idea so repellent to you? Figure that one out and it might reveal a lot!
Hmmm...ask yourself if, deep down, you feel you were meant to be a man; if not, then you might want to figure out what else is confusing you. Transition isn't really starting a new life, it's figuring out who you really are, finding the real you. The more I think about, the more I've always respected badass women, and now I realize I want to be one myself. If you really can't decide on being either a woman or man, be neither: gender is fluid, gender is something you must both understand AND define for yourself. Perhaps it's best of you reach a certain level of androgynous, leaning male. In the end, consider what Holly said about asking yourself why you view your gender the way you do.
Thanks for the reply Well when I look in the mirror and see a woman, it makes me feel very uncomfortable and almost disgusted. You sound like you lost interest in your appearance as a man? Well that's exactly how I feel as a woman. I have no interest in looking and feeling good as a woman any more since I started having these trans feelings. I'm not in a position to change anything about my appearance at the moment so all I can do is try and see past the things that make me a woman. I try to imagine myself as a man which alleviates the dysphoria I feel about my body. But I'm not sure that means I am a guy.It's more a feeling total disgust with being a woman than feeling that I am a guy Exactly the same but in reverse! Women's fashion disgusts me. The only thing I wear is baggy t-shirts, jeans, and unisex boot/shoes but even that feels too girly. Men's clothing seems to be the way to go for me but I'm not in the position to dress this way at the moment and I don't want to look like a lesbian. Nothing wrong with that but I have a strong repulsion to that label because it means people perceive me as a woman:icon_sad: which makes me feel disgusted. I feel more and more uncomfortable with me real name.:icon_sad: Sure its familiar but it doesn't feel right any more. I have picked out a new name which I feel more comfortable with but I'm scared it's just a 'fake' facade. Maybe it is because it lacks the familiarity.... Ok. Imagine you had to live your life as a guy and transition was not even an option. How would you feel? Would you feel optimistic about your future, being a guy in all your interactions with people? Having to wear men's clothing? That is what I mean about it opening up a future for me. I see no future as a woman, or at least only one of misery. Dysphoria as in I feel totally miserable having to carry on playing the charade of being a girl. I have to mentally detach myself from my body because at times, it causes me so much anxiety. It's not just specific parts either, it's the whole shape of my body. Basically everything that says 'woman'. I also have to reassure myself when I see groups of girls that I am not one of them. On the other hand, when I see groups of guys I kind of wish I was one of them??? Why don't I like the idea of being a masculine lesbian? Because I would still be perceived as a woman and have the physical body of a woman. Even if I appeared masculine in every other respect, the bottom line is I would still be a woman and that completely disgusts me:icon_sad: ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2013 at 07:54 PM ---------- Thanks for your insight I can't say I feel I was 'meant' to be a man. I say this mainly because these feelings are quite new, only within the last 18 months. Also part of these doubts is that I don't think I feel like a man. I just want to be in a body that's physically male. Does that mean I don't qualify as trans? I think the only way I can proceed is to start making small changes and seeing if it suits me better - for example, dressing in guy's clothing, which I'm sure will be a positive changing my name to something male or unisex that feels more comfortable.
" You sound like you lost interest in your appearance as a man?" On many occasions it would have not been difficult to mistake me for a very well fed homeless man... I'm going to be quite honest and say that I can relate to almost every answer you have given. What I find most interesting is this idea that you completely disassociate yourself with anything female because it repulses you, yet even thought being male appeals to you, some part of your head is saying "ignore it". That part of you that doesn't 'feel' like a man necessarily. It's like you've separated the ideas of 'man' and 'male' in your head and not quite realised it! So what I have to ask you is this: You don't FEEL like a man? So to you, what does it mean to be a man (not the body)? I only ask because you said "Does that mean I don't qualify as trans?". You seem so sure of what could make you happy and then that 'but what if I'm not trans enough' seems to come up! Almost as if you are worried that nobody will accept you if you make those small changes like clothes and hair and name. 'Normal' people won't accept me because I'm trans. Trans people won't accept me because I'm not a REAL trans person! Does that sound about right? If not, forgive me but that is the impression I have got from reading. If so, I want to assure you, as I'm sure probably every trans person on this board would, that if it turns out that this is the path you need to follow, we have no right to tell you you're 'not trans enough'. We aren't some exclusive club, there aren't rules for how to be a PROPER trans person. (That isn't to say there aren't some complete a***holes who will say these things, because they are and we aren't fond of them!) Try those little things and see how you feel. Maybe it will be enough for you. If not, we can support you, to some extent at least.
I have this massive fear that this is because of my disgust with my sexuality. The idea of becoming male is very appealing, mainly due to the fact it alleviates the disgust I feel with being a woman and my sexuality. In some strange way it also wipes the slate clean of everything I think is wrong or has been wrong with my life so far. It's like a new start. The idea of being a woman (feminine or masculine) in the future makes me feel physically sick, particularly in relation to my sexuality. I would never want to act on my feelings while having a female body. It just feels...yuk!. I seem to have massive issues with gender roles/stereotypes. When I say I don't 'feel' like a man, I mean as in I don't relate to society's constructs of what a man should be. I also think it has something to do with not living/realising trans feelings from an earlier age so I have been conditioned to live as a woman when in fact it doesn't feel right for me. Kind of. As I said I don't feel that I fit the idea of what a man should be and when I think of trans guys, for some reason I always think of the typical narrative ie. always knew, grew up playing with trucks etc etc . The big concern I have is that I think becoming a man would make me happier and want to be trans but is it for the right reasons? There is a massive doubt in my mind that the dysphoria and wanting to be a man is caused by the fact I hate what I am - a masculine lesbian. Yet as I said everything about being a woman disgusts me so how can I be a lesbian? I think the main points are: I feel so disgusted with being a woman 100% of the time. I want to be a man but I don't 'feel' like a man 100% of the time. I am scared that I'm actually a masculine lesbian because it disgusts me.:icon_sad: (sorry!)
If it helps, while I now recognize a lot of things I did in the past as pointing towards this, I didn't know I was trans until this year. I also don't fit the stereotype of a woman particularly. I have very little fashion sense, I wear what I like as long as I think it looks good and is comfortable. I don't like wearing a lot of makeup, if my hair takes more than 3 minutes to do I'm not doing it. There's lots of bits of it I don't fit, so you aren't the only person who feels that way but doesn't fit the stereotype properly! "I feel so disgusted with being a woman 100% of the time. I want to be a man but I don't 'feel' like a man 100% of the time. I am scared that I'm actually a masculine lesbian because it disgusts me. (sorry!)" I'm going to break this down in to each sentence because it is super important. I feel so disgusted with being a woman 100% of the time. I want to be a man Most important part of this thread. Literally the first and most vital part of the 'am I trans' question is this. Do I feel I ought to physically have the body of the opposite sex. Would it match how I feel inside. but I don't 'feel' like a man 100% of the time. You don't feel like a stereotype man. You ask 100 different men what being a man means to them, they will all say something different, although most of the will probably say a penis. You don't have to be a sports fantatic womanising lumber-jack who fixes cars on weekends to be a man any more than you have to be a home-making bride-to-be with more makeup than skin to be a woman! I am scared that I'm actually a masculine lesbian because it disgusts me. (sorry!) You said before you hate the idea of being a lesbian because you would still be considered a woman. I would take sexuality out of the equation here because it sounds ever time like you are saying 'lesbians are gross, I'll be a man' even though that's not what you mean! You don't want to be a woman. Ignoring the sexuality side of it you just don't want to be perceived as female AT ALL. I can't make the call for you, but really you've said it all. I know what my answer would be if you asked me.
I have to say when you put it like that it's obvious I am trans. But what I can't seem to understand is why although if I imagine sitting here with a male body and dressed in men's clothes, it's but if I imagine looking in the mirror and seeing a guy it's eugh. yuk :icon_sad: same as seeing a woman. Also though I really like men's clothing, and can't wait to purchase!, I can't imagine being happy with them on me :icon_sad: because of the wrong physique and I can't see me ever looking like a guy. Is it normal to feel this kind of self hatred and disgust? Even as you move towards being correctly aligned with your gender?:icon_sad:I'm fine within myself it's whenever I catch a fleeting glimpse of my reflection and mirrors I try to avoid at all costs!
To me, it sounds like what you are experiencing is the fear of what MIGHT happen. I had a skirt and top for 2 months before I dared put them on because I was SURE it would be wrong to wear them. When I ordered them I'd never been so excited in my life but they sat under my bed and I couldn't bring myself to look at them. The thing is you get the same idea as other people. If I change, I'll be different. It's such a big thing theoretically that it's easy to forget that you will still ultimately look like you. One of the biggest things I find is that people get this idea that you need to 'do as such and such does'. For me, that meant I tried lots of make-up the first time I dressed. I have a picture and I hate it. I look happy because of the clothes, but if that is what I looked like day-to-day I would cry. I couldn't and WILL NOT be THAT woman. When I only wear a little it all makes sense. I have no make-up in my profile pics and I feel great like that. Now I'm out completely, I don't even wear a wig anymore. I LOVE long hair, but it felt fake. Like I was pretending to be someone else. I didn't like it. It really bothered me that I could look in the mirror and I don't know...it just wasn't right...now I just use my own hair. It's too short, nowhere near feminine but it feels better, because when I look in the mirror I know I'm not pretending. It will grow, and I can't wait until it does, but every day I look in the mirror and I see the girl I am supposed to be a little more, without doing anything. Sorry, rambled a bit there. I think it IS normal because it's such a big decision and a huge change, and not one to take lightly. Really, you'll only know if it's the right one for you when you've tried it.
It can also be a personality disorder (l am not sure about the right name, simply being not OK with your body, regardless of the gender). You could try a therapist and address the disorder first before moving to a gender therapist.
So bearing in mind I'm pre-everything, it is normal that I feel ugh! when I see my reflection - 'how can that be me'? But even if I imagine seeing myself as a guy that repulses me too. I just feel completely dissociated from my body. Is this because of the dysphoria and the time it will take for me to settle into my gender as a man? Another thing - now as man in a woman's body, I feel somehow scruffier and less tidier with my appearance. I know that's partly because I have lost interest in my appearance as a woman but I don't feel that by becoming a man I will gain any pride in my appearance. I used to have it before I realised I was trans. I liked being clean and tidy. But now I have lost all interest, as though I've kind of subconsciously changed in line with my gender ie. men generally care less about appearance (which I know isn't true), so now I 'fit' that criteria. The thing that's worrying me the most about this transition before it has even really begun is that I am changing as a person, as though this is what I really am now - scruffy, untidy, feel it too:icon_sad: - and I don't like it. :icon_sad:I thought transition is supposed to make me feel better about my appearance/body. Perhaps it's cos I know I will never be a half decent looking guy? At least I had an average appearance as a girl. Sometimes I see guys that I perceive as untidy looking that have no pride in their appearance and think, ugh! I'm one of them/going to become one of them. It's like I feel totally disgusted that I'm one of them. Why is this making me feel like this? :tears: ---------- Post added 19th Nov 2013 at 07:40 PM ---------- I think I know what you mean but I've read the symptoms and it doesn't relate to me. It's definitely about my gender and feeling disgusted with me either way male/female. Even androgynous is no better fit -still me and still feel disgusted :tears:
