Not sure what I am

I am genetically male and fifteen years old. On the internet, I have been identifying myself as genderqueer, however it seems like I was looking for a "midde ground" more than anything.

When I was quite young, I, on occasion, would refer to "When I was a girl" and then go on describing a fantasy. I was fascinated with all things feminine, despite, or perhaps because of, the fact that I had no sisters or other female acquaintances. Pink was my favorite color, The Powerpuff Girls was nominally my favourite show, and I acquired a large collection of My Little Pony toys (and this was long before there was such a thing as a brony). I still thought of myself as a boy, but always as a different kind of boy from my brothers and cousins. I was ok being a boy as long as I could be a princess at the same time. My mother and grandmother, who both wanted a girl, were especially open to letting me live this way. I even remember my grandmother getting me a fairy-princess outfit.

By the time I was six or seven, I sensed that I was not meant to live this way. Most likely, entering school helped me become aware of this. My mother encouraged me to give away my "girl's toys", which I did after a good amount of taunting from my older brother. I soon decided that my new favourite color green, the same as my brother, and that I was firmly a boy.

As I entered the later part of my pre-teen childhood, and my identity as a boy was quite strong. I did grow my hair long, leading to many taking me for a girl. At this point, I always corrected them, sometimes even getting angry. I was still decidedly un-masculine, having no interest in sports and often being closer to the girls than was expected at my age. Admittedly, in many cases I had little control over this; for instance, I, by chance, was the only male in my grade's gifted program. However, other times it seemed I was very much in control. I was the only male who volunteered to skip recesses to help younger kids make bead-bracelets. Similarly, on the coldest days of the year, during outdoor recess, it was myself and a group of girls who huddled against the wall together to stay warm. Allegedly, some of them thought that I was a girl myself because of my hair. I became aware of the word "tomboy" and, although I never used it to describe myself in speaking, I began to think of myself as very much like one.

As I entered my tween and early teen years, people, for the most part, stopped telling me that my long hair made me look like a girl. I became aware of the terms "gay" and "straight" and immediately decided that I was straight; I was indeed developing attraction towards girls. My identity as a boy seemed quite solid. However, gender as an idea began to fascinate me. I spent a long time on the internet looking at quizzes like this one Are you a boy or a girl? See if we can tell! - Quiz | Get More Quizzes at Quizilla. I always got excited when I got the girl answer. Stories involving cross-dressing were always appealing to me, although at the time I had no desire to cross-dress myself. As an early teen, I began masturbating almost every day, having sexual fantasies of my penis falling off and me turning into a girl.

It was when I was fourteen that I began to seriously question who I was. It began when I discovered that I was bisexual. Simultaneously, I began ending up with a fascination for cross-dressing, this time without any erotic background. I was then terrified, and still am, of the idea of being discovered. In the now rare times that I was called "Ma'am", I now wanted to hug the people making the "mistake". In fact, when my bullies mocked me by asking "do you ever get your period on the bus?" and calling me "fag", it actually makes me feel better, as at least it feels as if people focus on that aspect of me.

And that's essentially were I am now. I'm bisexual, although I have never been in a relationship with either gender (I have some bad social anxiety which prevents me from getting especially close to anyone). To everyone else, including my family, I'm just a guy. I haven't even come out as bi yet. The phrase "I am a guy" doesn't seem as much inaccurate to me as it seems simply depressing. I'm certainly not happy with my masculine appearance, but then again, I'm still terrified to try and change it. last year, I decided to shave my legs, but only did above the knees because I was afraid of anyone finding out. I'm still trying to gather the courage to shave the whole thing. I generally feel an overall sense of powerlessness; I always imagine that if I endure a few more year of being a guy, then I can get away from my family and everything I know so that I can decide for myself who I am. If I say that I'm anything but a guy right now, I feel like I'm lying, but if I say that I'm a guy, I just feel upset. I really don't know how to tell anyone, because I'm still working on what it is that I need to tell in the first place.

 

This is not strictly accurate. What I find unsettling is the idea that I can only be a guy; that it's all I can be. I don't hate being thought of as I guy, but I do dislike the idea that I will always be thought of as a guy, and that I can never change.

The former describes how I felt better than the latter.

No, although I definitely have a desire to.

Hmm... the only word that really springs to mind would be "better".

The first thing that comes to mind at the moment is "excited" followed by "grateful". I do not imagine that I would correct them.

 

Hmm... if you mean physically, I don't think I would want to change my sex altogether. I would definitely want narrower shoulders and softer features. There's also lots of hair I'd like to get rid of. I'm not sure about my chest. Basically, right now, I'd most like to be a male who could easily pass as a female.

 

Were you leading up to something?

 

Mainly the fact that I'm not really sure how I would do it while remaining in the closet to my family.

 

Hmm... my problem isn't as much hiding the clothes as getting them.

---------- Post added 20th Nov 2013 at 08:48 PM ----------

Thanks for the suggestion