I might be, I'll be honest, but knowing my mum, I'm not. SO I've just been to the doctors about my sleep. Not particularly interesting. Before I left, I had an argument with mum. She is really REALLY pissing me off because she keeps telling me how to do things. "You can't wear dark nail varnish unless you have perfect nails. You should wear pale or none at all" "You CAN NOT wear sandles with that nice skirt!" "You can't wear red AND pink" "You can't wear those t-shirts anymore". She justifies this with possibly my least favourite phrases in the world "If you're GOING to change, at least put some effort in!" "I'm just saying your transition would be easier if..." and "Well you won't look right. Of COURSE people will look!" Now I told her straight up that she has no clue what I'm going through. I explained that I wasn't trying to be some 'perfect' girl. I was trying to be me. Which means wearing what I'm comfortable with and what I like. She ended the conversation as she tends to do when she realises she can't win. Fast forward to after my appointment, there she is waiting for me in the car. Now I said to her "Nothing quite so soul destroying as going in (as Holly) and having everyone call out Mr Hodson in the waiting room". Now I knew it was going to happen. Until I can afford to change my name and get my title switched to Miss, I'm stuck with it. I know this and I accept it. But it feels horrible, as any of you will know. Someone addresses you with the wrong pronoun, especially in public and its horrible. So what is mums response?! "So? What did you THINK was going to happen. You've got to get used to that. People WILL stare because it's..." not I can't remember if she said different or weird. I'm leaning towards weird but that might be because I'm cross so I'll leave it up to you. My point is, no sympathy what-so-ever. She constantly accuses me of lacking empathy and here I am suffering through this. To me it feels like she still thinks I'm doing this to be difficult. Like I chose to transition to stand out when I could have just stayed as I was and been fine. :bang: Am I over-reacting or does anyone else agree?
It sounds like your mom is a bit reluctantly accepting your transition. She seems to be a bit bitter towards it right now, which is where I think the snarkiness is coming from. Omg, my mom gives me clothes advice and stuff ALL THE FREAKING TIME. I think this is just really common for girls though (but having not grown up as one, I don't really know), though with transition in the mix, I think they tend to go a bit overboard with the advice... Plus, their advice is really not as helpful as they think because if you listen to them you are going to be dressing like a middle aged woman, not someone around your age (says me, with my almost completely hand me down wardrobe lol) Have you talked to her about how she is upsetting you? Clearly communicating to her that you could use more support and less advice might help. "I'm just saying your transition would go easier if...", Lol, like your mother has any sort of transition experience... Overall though, I do think your mom is well intentioned, but just dealing with some of her own issues still, which honestly you can't do much but just give her time. If you have regular appointments in a clinical setting, why not tell them to use the correct name/pronouns as your preferred name/pronouns. A lot of places have a spot to make a note for something like that. Not that they are guaranteed to read the note, but it could help to some degree. How far into transition are you if you don't mind me asking?
I dealt with this before I came out. :lol: As Tay mentioned, listening to all that advice has the unfortunate result of you ending up looking like a middle aged woman. I listened, since I had no idea how to be a woman and yes, I spent most of middle and high school looking like a poorly put together office mother. She's probably just coming to terms with it, grasping on straws. I remember when I first dared to dress male, my mom literally pulled me aside and said "God, (legal name), you look like a nerd." Stick to your guns, she'll come around.
Honestly, I think your mom is great. She is worried about you and doesn't want you to get hurt. She could cuddle you and comfort you, but she goes further - she tries to shield you from the outer world and the strangers in it. She tries to show you the way how to not be so obvious (the fashion) and tries to tell you to get a thicker skin ("what do you expect"). She does both to protect you from getting hurt. This whole situation is hard for her too. She can also be hurt by strangers who will not understand your situation AND she would be hurt (as a parent) if you you get hurt by them. (*hug*)
Talking to my mum is like talking to a wall. I can tell her all this stuff and she's forgotten it by the time my mouth has finished moving usually. Hell she knows I went to the doctors for sleeping pills then the first thing she does when she comes in is complain that I've been asleep! I can't win ;D Nick - She has her moments, yeah. It's nice that she wants to protect and stuff but seriously, I'm 23 and she treats me like I'm 7! Makes me want to smash things
No, Holly, she treats you as HER KID. No matter how old you will get, if you mother has mother's intinct, she will feel that way.
Nick's right. You're your mother's baby. Or one of them, I don't know if you have any siblings. Anyway, you're her kid, so naturally, she's going to worry about your well-being, regardless of your age. And she's right, too. You're going to have to toughen up that skin, figuratively speaking, if you're going to make it in this world. It is a harsh, cruel world for everybody for some reason, and you're going to need to be ready to face it. That all said, you're still your own person, so while she may never understand why you dress the way you do, just trust that she's your mother and she loves you and is trying to be accepting and supportive of you. She's the only mother you'll ever have, so try not to be too hard on her. There's plenty out there going through what you are whose own mothers aren't quite so accepting, you know.
Holly, you are always going to be your parents child. That being said, have you tried telling her you don't want her feedback? You did say that your Mom was unresponsive, but have you tried to have a sit down, talk it all out conversation? She could be scared of the transphobia you may face and her identity policing is her way of trying to protect you.
I'm on the other end, and yeah, the other posters have a point, with your mum being your mum and her looking out for you (my mom does it too, wish my dad did, instead most of my 'how to's' are learned via google), but there's a point when you've got to draw some clear boundaries. Mine was when my mom was commenting on my d:***: size :eek:
" Mine was when my mom was commenting on my d size " Woah. I'm not even sure what to make of that. Problem with mum is you can't sit her down to talk unless she starts it. In which case she talks then either when it's your turn or you've countered all her points she says 'Oh I really must be getting on with ironing" or "Oh fine WHATEVER" and walks off. I can imagine I'll get it in the neck later for not making it to a tutorial this morning despite having taken prescribed sleeping pills to try and stop me being in bed all day, but I'm guessing that won't be an excuse...
Haha, that doesn't sound so bad though, your mom sounds like she is really trying to help even if she seems naggy. I always wished I had a femme mom to help me with stuff. Instead she was always just self-absorbed though and like, oh, you're transitioning? Well... I guess you can do that then. Hf. Actually come to think of it I was always the one nagging her with advice because I had to be seen with her... like, mom, nobody does their brows like that, you are gonna look like a crazy woman. And you are way too old for that dress... and she'd just be like, oh, okay. And never change. :rolle:
Yeah she noticed and had to know about packing and fancies herself as an expert I guess. :dry: But I told her 'mom, I'm dysphoric enough without you bringing up what I'm doing wrong' something like that. And she knows the difference now, too, for the most part, between 'that shirt doesn't look good on you', vs. 'men don't wear those kind of things'
