What do you do when you just never feel valid? I don't know, I just feel like no matter what I do, nature made me a boy and in some way, even if I can't explain it, no matter what I'll always be one. I try to ignore it or drown out this feeling by buying lots of pretty clothes, shoes and accessories and stuff. I practically emptied my bank account already in just the last couple weeks. But it only really makes me feel better for a while. And sometimes it even just hurts because I have to be so picky about cut and fit b/c of my fat pattern which didn't change at all on HRT. Anyway, fundamentally I just never feel happy being trans. Passing doesn't make me happy b/c I always expected to pass and always did. Instead it's like the more used to being treated like a girl I get, the more fake I feel. I feel like I want people to say "you're a boy, just stop transitioning" instead of just accepting me, b/c I think maybe they really think that on some level and aren't saying it. How do you ever fix that?
I'm sure you know the answer to this. Accept it and move on. Some things are not worth fighting, others are worth the investment. Pick your battles. Just as some people are born wishing they were Asian, or having blonde hair, tall, thin, fair skin, acne-less, etc. Perhaps this is different. In those examples, people rarely feel *invalid* by their creed or color. They are usually just annoyed or wishing to change it. For that reason, fighting and pursuing this might be a wise choice. Regardless, your last question is very different from the first. You can never fix it. People will always share and keep their opinions, and they will always (fortunately-- just as you are) entitled to having them. If their beliefs for what you are doing bothers you, do not mingle with them. I'd make sure you have some measure of proof before isolating others merely for what you *assume* they are thinking about you. But, intuition has a habit of coinciding with truth.
Uh-huh, they feel that way about being Asian or blonde and stuffs, I guess I felt that way and I DID change it (about being a boy)... but I don't feel like I really changed it. Just pretended to be something else? Like, if you were Asian and you hated it, you could die your hair blonde, get double lid surgery and do some skin treatments but, you would still be asian. Your roots would still grow in dark and stuff. That's how I feel. It's somehow really uncomfortable I didn't mean to make people sound mean though ^^ people have been awesome mostly (and well most people don't know) but I'M the problem lol, and I project onto them
I see. You took my examples and put a beautiful and true comparison to them. Yes, what you say is correct. I think there is a very fine line between nature v. change. I might say that there is an underlying reason behind your sex (as though you were destined to be a male or female), but would that be true? You're the collective result of matched genes. Additionally, with this theory in mind, I'd hate to consider what was meant for me if was *destined* to be diabetic and changing it is to go against nature. One might also say that to change is an important factor in life. Not just in the development of child to adult, but many individuals need to physically change their bodies to fit their lifestyle. Sometimes, the opposite happens. I suspect their is no absolute answer either way. But, for issues that appeal to the subject of emotional belonging, I would say that to head to your heart's calling is the best answer.
I guess it all depends on whose validation you're looking for: your own, or that of other people? Again, your situation sounds very similar to that of Seth/Stef, who also felt like "faker" in the eyes of society... and in some ways, the guilt I felt when I came out as bisexual could be compared to that feeling as well. It comes from the idea that we're not worthy of being accepted, respected, and loved for WHO we are. If only we could be cis, if only we could be straight... We're not, and we're never going to be, so the way I see it, we'd better start learning to live with ourselves, since we're going to be spending the rest of our lives together! Our sexuality and gender are such insignificant parts of who we are, in the bigger picture. We don't get to choose these things, so it doesn't make much sense to be proud of them, but the choices we do make in life are definitely things we can take pride in, especially when it's in spite of disapproval from society.
Huh, that's true about diabetes. Nobody would feel weird or wrong for making that change.... I guess the only reason I feel different is b/c diabetes is so straightforward. They can look at your body and tell you that you definitely have it. Being trans is weird though.... I still don't know if I transitioned because I feel like a girl or because I feel like I'm supposed to be a girl to be acceptable as myself. Like if I never had said to anyone that I really wanted to transition, nobody would tell me to transition, they would just think of me as another gay boy, even though there were a lot of ways transition was able to help me be myself... ok I'm confused. Thank you though... now I just want them to invent a pill that tells you where your heart's calling is :icon_redf lol Hi Gravechild Hrm, you are right that they are insignificant parts of ourself. BUT, I feel like it is such a big insecurity, at least for me, that it can become way too big of a part of myself, because I just end up thinking about it like all the time. It seems like some people feel more valid in their transition and some people don't feel as valid. Maybe that is a confidence thing... but, maybe it's a part of me I can't really change? Maybe this voice inside of me that is so insecure is even a male gender identity. Haha, isn't that weird?? I do identify a lot more with how FtMs feel about their gender usually... I guess a big part of me feels like, if I could be accepted and loved for who I was, why did I transition? It never felt that way when I was getting so much hate and discomfort for who I was before I ever thought of transition. But then, did I let those people win by transitioning for not the normal reason? Mmm... yeah, it all just makes me wanna cry. Sorry I'm so crazy lol.
I know exactly what you mean; it seems many LGBT tend to take matters relating to sexuality and gender to heart. I know they were central themes in the whole process of self-discovery for me, long before even considering I might not be a straight male, and they've only gotten stronger since coming out. It's not unheard of for someone to transition and decide it wasn't the right choice for them later on, for any number of reasons. Really, only a small percentage of the population identifies as transgender, a smaller percentage as transsexual, and a yet even smaller percentage go through complete transition, so you're not alone if you decide it's not for you! You transitioned for yourself... I doubt you had everyone else in mind when you were doing it.. what, with all the hate and such transgenders have to put up with in society? And I doubt this is your only insecurity, even if the biggest one, so why not try looking at other areas you can fix first, so this isn't the only part of yourself you focus on? Again, easier said than done, but absolutely necessary for healthy thinking. (*hug*)
(*hug*) thank you for your support <3 Yeah.. it can be hard. I guess I wish I had more people with my same experiences to reach out to... the only person I met who felt similarly, well, went the opposite direction as I have gone so far... and at the time it was really hard for me to not just up and do the same. Honestly a part of me was really jealous. Part of the problem is, even if I have a super accurate transdar with other people, I can't apply it to myself, so I spend one day thinking I look like a girl, the next day thinking I look like a boy and everyone can tell, and nothing I do seems to make me stop feeling that way. It is really hard for me to look in the mirror, think I suddenly turned into a masculine looking person, and then go out and live my life. It just cripples me. I don't want anybody to see me when I think I look male. When I'm out, I guess I have learned to accept that I am always gendered female, but when I am not getting constant affirmation of that I start to doubt it and doubt that I even can look female. I know I shouldn't, but it's so hard when I'm literally having to ignore what I'm seeing with my own two eyes. It makes me question what is even real. So, part of me just wants to stop having to worry about these things, because if I were a boy, I wouldn't feel bad if I got misgendered as a girl (and I know that b/c it happened a lot), but as a girl, I'm terrified of the thought of being misgendered as a boy. Actually, I'm seeing a new therapist lately for the other areas I can fix, and part of me wants to tell her I'm trans, but I just don't think I can do it. I don't want her to hear that and start thinking differently of me and my issues, or shifting the focus. Like, she tells me things like "wow you're very self-aware, I don't get that with many of my clients" and somehow I just have this fear that if I come out, 'cuz with the issues she specializes in probably 99% of her clients are female, anything unique about me is going to be attributed to being trans. But I would be lying if I said a part of me didn't want her to notice the M on my license and ask me about it.
Ya know what. I feel like I keep asking for answers because I want somebody to tell me something I don't actually believe. So I think I am going to slowly try to detransition as I feel more able to in life. Starting here. I'm just tired of pretending to myself that I have to identify as a girl or as anything to be feminine. Still the same person, I just don't think I want to be trans/can handle it and I have known that for a while now. Thanks everyone again for all your support (*hug*)
(*hug*) I don't know. I have followed chercheur's story and it brings a lot of doubts. Have you considered that part of your problems may be from not being self-confident enough? You will be you no matter of your body. If you feel insecure towards the people around you and if it is so important what they think about you, a detransition may not help you with it. It's surprising for me how much of your story and doubts feel familiar and similar to my situation. (*hug*)
Uh-huh, part of it is absolutely a self-esteem and confidence thing, but at the end of the day, I still have to be able to survive my life and it's a fantasy to say I'll just get over those... it's frustrating. But being a boy on forums (this and a couple others) so far feels kind of relaxing. I feel like I can get back in touch with who I am without obsessing over my trans ego. Especially because I've outgrown any of the cultural shame of being feminine that I used to have. Maybe when I realize that people treat me like a guy again with all the stereotypes that don't really apply, and act like I'm a weirdo for being feminine it will be harder, but I don't know. So far it is kind of soothing to just feel natural again. It's still gonna be a while before this is at all practical in real life, but I do feel like I want to move in that direction while I guess giving myself time to give up on detransition still. If it feels more real, maybe I will get in touch with how I feel about it more genuinely. Anyway, thanks for your support. (*hug*) I hope you're coping with your feelings too... I am kind of curious to hear more about your experiences but only if you would like to share!
