I hate being transgender :(

This worries me too. I feel I will never be 'good enough' for any woman because the surgery doesn't look promising to me. I am scared that I will never be able to have a relationship :icon_sad: I'm currently looking for support from other ftms on here, just to talk you know. I feel as though I am becoming a different person in this process and I don't like the changes I feel in myself mentally and emotionally. I don;t have a problem with the physical changes. I'm nowhere near that point yet - still pre-everything. But I don't want to change the person I am inside. The problem is, it's happening :icon_sad: have you experienced this kind of personality change? if so how did you cope with it?

 

So we had this discussion a few weeks back and it ended...well it got quite nasty actually, so I'm going to hope this doesn't go the same way.

I'm also going to say now, that even though, to paraphrase the last person I discussed this with, I can get the real thing I DO understand how hard it is to know that you can't. Because let's face it, ftm bottom results just aren't the same as mtf, and that really sucks.

The two issues you've raised are firstly that you want to have sex, and second that you are worried about being good enough for a woman.

I want to have sex
I forget who it was that said it, but its somewhere around these forums, "there is more to sex than repeatedly smooshing bits together!". Fair enough, you don't want to have vaginal sex, I completely get that (or at least relate to it...you know what I mean!) but there is more too it than that. Basically what I want to know is, what is it about the 'sex' act that you find appealing, compared to the rest of the experience?

Obviously I'm not the person to ask about whether anal is any good for those without a prostate, but I have to assume there is a reason some ciswomen love it. There are better people than me to ask about that though!

Don't feel good enough
You both raised this in one way or another. anonym said it straight out, Alen you said you were iffy about someone seeing you naked.

Now I'm not blessed with confidence as anyone who has met me well tell you, so I completely share your concerns here. One of the biggest problems for me at the moment is I that I want to start dating, but don't want to be getting on really well then have someone leave me when perhaps it gates to late evening and the hair on my face comes through a bit. It's horrible!

However, I am going to make an assumption here that you are more than welcome to correct and I will try again. I assume that in an ideal world, you probably don't want to LITERALLY go out and sleep with every random person you set your eyes on. The idea that you could go out and take your pick is appealing, sure but realistically even if you COULD do that, would you? I'm fairly sure I wouldn't because there is something about sex with a random person that I don't like the idea of. The point is, for me, I would like to hope that anyone I end up with cares about more than the state of my genitals and ideally the rest of my body! You have boobs you can't get rid of yet, I have hair I can't get rid of (believe me I've tried). I don't want to end up in a situation where I'm finally naked with another human being and they turn around and say 'nope, not for me, get out'.

It cuts down your market for sure, not everyone is going to be happy dating a trans person! It's a harsh reality, but it can happen.

 

Hey Alen,

So first, there are a lot of cis men and women both that enjoy anal sex out there. I did some quick research, from womenshealth dot about dot com - I know you are a man, but you seemed to be really wondering if people assigned female could enjoy anal sex, and I'm happy to report that they can and often do.

Do Women Enjoy Anal Sex?

As far as the rest of it, I am one of those people that gets about as bad as you when I'm around someone else and I'm the wrong sex. I can only enjoy sex as a girl. It does suck, but that's part of why it's worth it to me to transition.

If I ever look for another partner again, even for sex, they are going to know I'm trans, and that does limit my options. And yeah, I get worried that women are going to want to use what I was born with too. They probably won't even understand what the big deal is.

So how I deal with it though, is probably going to be different from how you deal with it. Differences in libidos, equipment, motives, all these things come into play with sex. My sex drive is probably a lot lower than yours for instance. Pretending they aren't there does no one any good (although neither does making a big deal about them).

But some of what I'm doing might help. Just like with you, there are two operations, a less expensive and a more expensive one. The less expensive one is less satisfying as far as sex, but will get the job done in most ways, and the more expensive one will be sexually satisfying. You can do one and then the other.

With me those operations are orchiectomy and vaginoplasty. With you, they are metoidoplasty, and phalloplasty. I can explain the benefits real fast. Metoidoplasty will give you a smaller penis that will let you pee standing up. It won't be easy to penetrate a partner with it. Phalloplasty will give you a full sized penis that you can use to penetrate a partner, just like any other man.

Both of those are sensitive, and many trans men report being able to orgasm with either operation. Tit for tat though the metoidoplasty is a little more sensitive. And if you get a girl that knows about you, she can give you oral with either that will feel good for you. A lot of women talk a lot about size, but the truth I've found is that a lot of women don't like being penetrated every time. It's more mentally satisfying to have someone inside you than it is physically satisfying - although mentally satisfying is a HUGE part of sex - and if I want to bring a partner to orgasm, I usually end up doing things other than penetrative sex.

Us trans people get told that we can't enjoy sex after bottom surgery as kind of a scare tactic partially, and partially because it used to be true. And partially so we won't get dissappointed; it does happen rarely that we can't. However, on the whole, we have higher rates of being able to orgasm than the population as a whole.

The key is to find the right person. It's tough for us, because our options are limited. But what helps me is looking at that like a filter. Someone willing to be with us, and treat us nice and like our destination sex, is usually a better person to be in a relationship anyway.

I really feel though like that's gonna fall short. Again, I am a girl, and I think about sex in different ways than you do probably. So I would probably ask cis men, other trans men, and especially some of the gay men here, any questions you might have about enjoying sex as a man. The differences between you and a cis man are a lot less than you think they are.

If you want, it might be a good idea to go on men's health forums and just register an account as a man, don't even let them know you are trans.

 

If thats the case, then I would save yourself the worry at the moment. Honestly, of all the things you will need to worry about right now the ins-and-outs of trans sex are probably quite low!

Your sex drive may well increase, but if and when it does you may also find that you are more open to different TYPES of sexual activity!

 

Ah, understand there is a BIG difference between being more open to different sex acts and worrying about exposing yourself due to dysphoria!! Trust me, even though I feel so much more confident now I've begun my transition the thought of being naked in front of someone worries me!

If you're going to worry about future stuff, then can I ask you to do one thing that might make it easier?

Instead of taking some really broad subject like 'sex' or 'my body', think about the specific things that worry you about that subject. "My arms are too small" "I don't have a penis" "I don't like the idea that someone might see... because...".

Just take little things like that and see if there is anything you can do about them, we can help you if you need it. It's probably the quickest way of stamping the fringes of dysphoria...it won't get rid of it, but it might ease the worry!