Guilt

So, after months of soul searching, I've come to terms with being FtM. Overall, I'm not ashamed of being trans- or at least that's what I'd like to tell myself.

To me, admitting I'm a man and a transman at that, still feels wrong and shameful. I know who I am, but I still feel guilty over not being able to be happy as a woman. I wouldn't say I grew up in a gender segregated household but I grew up being pressured into feminity and being the "sweet baby girl" of the family.

It's like, there's this part in the back of my mind, with a voice that sounds supiciously like my mother's, telling me "oh, you're a man now. That's sick and stupid."

Then add in things my mother's said, like "normal people don't feel this way" and that I'd be dishonoring my father by transitioning, and yeah... Doesn't matter what I tell myself, the guilt's still there for wanting to transition.

And then, there's this sense that by being trans, I'm wrong and broken. Like, who'd ever love a man like me? Or who the fuck would hire me or accept me? I can't keep living as a woman, day by day it grows more and more tiresome to put on my act and pretend I'm happy being a woman, but it's hard to see a day when I'll ever stop feeling like a freak.

I don't know how to get past this. :\ Some insight would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

I felt similarly when I first came out to my parents, and my mother promptly responded with, "You know, I stopped having kids once I had a daughter. That's all I wanted." I ended up locking myself in my room, holding back the urge to cry because I felt so guilty and selfish for coming out as trans and taking away my mother's only daughter. It still gets to me sometimes, but I'm trying to realise why it was necessary for me to come out, and necessary for me to transition, though it took a toll on my relationships with my family.

And I told my mother once that if I could've been happy with what I was given, I would have had no second thoughts. I simply wasn't "choosing" to be trans, and I wasn't doing it out of spite or to intentionally hurt anyone, but, because I was struggling and I knew what I needed to do in order to live comfortably. And I'm really, really sorry that your mother can't seem to understand, or grasp this concept, of how uncomfortable it would be for you to force yourself to live as female for the sake of keeping everyone around you happy. It's definitely something my mother struggled with at first, but she eventually came around the more I talked with her, and the more sincere I was with my words, the more she accepted the changes and came to show empathy with what I was going through.

I think it's best for you to realise, too, that you are guaranteed to your own happiness. Regardless of what your mother says, or anyone else, you are a man, and it is your right to declare yourself as, and live as, your true self. While you might feel selfish or guilty, I would say it's selfish for your family to make you sacrifice your happiness, because they can't cope or understand.

As for finding love, and insecurity, that's a common concern among trans people. But it shouldn't be. I'm in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who loves and respects me, and there are plenty others with successful, caring relationships as well. I'm going to quote from an article written by a ciswoman in a relationship with a transwoman, which I read a while back, as I think it's worth sharing here, because it's a thought that all of us have shared, I'm sure.

You can read the rest of the article here: Please Don't Thank Me for Loving My Wife

Even though we're trans, that doesn't make us any less of people. And sure, some might not be comfortable dating a transgender person, but I really believe there are a lot of people out there who are totally cool with us, and we're people just as deserving of love and companionship, so don't sell yourself short.

As for employment, while it can be tough to find work as a transperson considering how discriminatory the workplace can really be, there are options out there and you honestly don't know until you try. Just because you're trans, doesn't make you any less of an employee, or any worse of a person. This is a pretty interesting video by a transguy who suggests why employers should hire trans people.

I know it takes a while to break away from "feeling like a freak," because cissexist society views us as so, but for me, it was really just a means of changing my views, realising what solutions aren't working and wouldn't work, and stopping feeling shame over who I am, and possibly, realising that maybe I was completely over-thinking things to the point of ridiculousness and the reality was clearer than I had made it.

I'm really shit with advice but I really hope you can take something from all of my nonsense and you can slowly begin to work on accepting yourself for what it is, because you deserve to feel as confident and as "human" as everyone else. (And I'm still working through it, too, it's definitely a really rigorous task and when you have people trying to belittle you and combat your identity persistently, it almost seems impossible, but trust me, it can be possible.) Remember that there's no shame in being true to yourself, if that means transitioning, because, you are a man. It's simply unfair for you, and others to try and convince yourself otherwise because of judgment. (*hug*)

 

Thanks everyone, sorry it took so long to respond.

Yeah, I guess the thing is, dysphoria's been getting worse. And I still can't completely kill the old idea that organs = gender.

It's something I've got to do for me. Hoping within the next few months to finally begin seeing a gender therapist. If nothing else, since I'll be out of the house, I may be able to live as male full-time.

I don't pass well, so I'm getting misgendered constantly, even when presenting male. So it's like "who are you fooling? You don't look like a man, why are you trying?"

Family's left the gender thing alone. Thankfully. Keep hearing shit like "you're only this way because your (biological) father left". Know it's not true but I figure even after I transition, my mom's still going to carry that tune.

Still working on accepting myself. Figure it's going to take a while.