Ok. I have just had a huge panic over my gender identity. I said I'd wait for the gender therapists but in the interim I can't carry on like this. I was sure I was ftm but I have spent today and yesterday feeling internally like a girl. My interior 'image' of me during this time has alternated from a more feminine girl to a masculine girl. I had an image of me with shorter hair wearing men's clothing with minimal make up. Kind of a mix of boy and girl. I was actually very happy in this mode. I felt more like the me I know and can trace back throughout my life. I was much more productive and in tune with myself and my emotions. Then when I saw my reflection, it triggered what I like to call a 'dysphoria attack'. f:***: is that actually me! This flicked a switch in my brain which made me go back to ftm, wanting to be in a man's body. I don't feel happy when I feel like a man though. I am cut off from my emotions, nothing is important to me in my life apart from my gender and I lose all sense of my beliefs and values. I had to change my clothing to something more masculine and then I felt a weird sense of disconnect with my body. It is literally like I switched to a different person. Please someone tell me what's going on. I'm scared :icon_sad: Is this how it is before transition? Last week I felt like a very feminine man, so much so I would call him a boy because 'man' just didn't fit right. Bu when I'm trying to choose new clothes I avoid absolutely anything that looks more feminine. ie. pink shirts, girly looking men's bags. So if I take into account the last 2 weeks, I have been 4 different genders but they are all internal feelings. Feminine woman, mix of boy and girl/masculine woman, feminine man, masculine man. The one thing that stays pretty constant tho is the dysphoria with my body and reflection. I always feel detached from that whatever my gender identity. The only one I felt happy as was the kind of boyish girl. Is this normal pre-gender therapy???
It's okay. This is so normal. I mean, I've had a crisis like this. When you get some therapy, I'm sure you'll feel a lot better, but as for now you are in a tunnel of pain because what you are, and what's in the mirror don't match. The boyish girl image was pleasing because it was obtainable. In fact, that's what i'm striving for right now. Images of being male are not pleasing, because without outside help it is not obtainable on your own. It's a matter of standing up, brushing the dirt off, and keep on fighting the fight. The light at the end of your tunnel is gender therapy. Doubts are normal, remember that.
Is it normal to feel psychologically different? Like as a guy I can't complete certain tasks I am normally capable of?
Ok I'm trying to do my written coursework and now I've kind of mentally switched to being a guy it's like I can't do it. It seems like it's not my writing and I am not capable of the same.
When it comes to writing, females and males have notable differences in style and tone. So it you started writing something when you were in a female mindset, it'd be hard to switch over to another style while maintaining the fluidity of the piece. I would consider this normal for many people going through trans* doubts.
Ok so what do I do about it? I don;t like feeling like a guy. I have a totally different mindset and I am normally quite an intelligent person but as a guy, it is gone. The world is so one-dimensional
For me, it is the opposite, as a guy i'm a lot more mellow, and focused, i mean, i get stuff done. Sometimes as a female, i still need to have the brain power that i do when i'm being a man. And it's hard to do. but kinda like patting your head and rubbing your tummy, if you over think it, you're gonna fail. It's all about finding a nice balance. Focus less on your current gender, and more on the work itself is about all i can suggest.
Thanks. I hate this because I am losing myself to this new identity, I don't have the same relationships with my family and friends. It's not better becoming a man. For me it's worse. I prefer feeling like a woman, not just because the dysphoria would go away. I genuinely hate feeling like a guy. ---------- Post added 29th Nov 2013 at 06:16 PM ---------- This is not the aim of transition. It;s supposed to make your life better, not worse :-(
Exactly, if being female yields more positive results then being male, you shouldn't be transitioning. That doesn't mean that having "male days" make you trans. Have you thought about the possibility of being gender fluid?
I have but I have constant gender dysphoria. I now have hit the nail on the head! Thanks for your help :-D Now I know why every time I get a 'dysphoria attack' and feel the need to be male, I don't want to transition. Sure it would get rid of the dysphoria, but I don't enjoy it at all being a guy. It's not a life I even want. This leads me to suicidal thinking
You're welcome. This post has been eye-opening for me as well. I clarify myself as non-op because physically being male doesn't satisfy me. just the "idea" of it.
I actually don't want to be trans, though it appears I am. And for different reasons than the obvious - its a hard process etc etc. I don't like feeling like a man. I'm going to start a new thread possibly
see for me that sounds like my days every day. flip flopping back and forth, one day more guy then one day more girl. tuff to deal with somedays, but now i've gotten used to it, and just go with what happens that day, and dont worry about it so much now
