Hey there EmptyClosets users, I'm here because quite frankly, I don't know who I am and really just looking for some advice. I know none of you can tell me who I am, and that it's down to me, but I'm just very confused. The thing is, I was born male, but I've always kinda wished I was female. Like, as a child, I always loved playing pretend games, even when it came down to boys vs girls teams, I always wanted to be one of the girls. I did play a bit of football and such in school, but that was pretty much it. The thing is though, I don't remember a lot of growing up at all, like going through puberty and such. So I don't really know how I felt around that time. For a while I've kinda been repressing these feelings and just trying to be a normal guy, mostly around other people. Though late at night I did like wearing my mum's clothes. The thing is now, for a little while now, these feelings have come flooding back. Been thinking about this most of the time as of late. I've always kinda hated myself and in all honesty been kinda depressed, though never really shown it, I try to keep personal stuff very secretive. I do go out and do stuff with friends every now and then, but do miss a lot of days of uni by staying in bed or just not bringing myself to make it in. I've been wanting to experiment with dressing up as a woman, but that costs money and I don't really have any money until after the Christmas period, so that's not really an option at the moment. People do seem to think I'm gay or bi, like my family, friends mention it occasionally. Which I guess is kind of true, I like men and women, but women more-so. [Though being a top is something I don't much like the idea of.] Anyway, I think I'll leave it there for now. Sorry for leaving you with a wall of text.
If that's the most text you ask us to read before you figure this out, I'll be both stunned and deeply concerned! Tell me about dressing in your mums clothes. How did that feel? WHY did you decided to do it in the first place?
I can relate A LOT to what you have said here FKM. I felt very much like you before I transitioned. This is a good site with a lot of helpful people, I think you will enjoy it here, I have enjoyed my short time that I have been here. Welcome to EC =).
It felt pretty good, but never could get many items of clothing at a time. And I have no idea why I did it, I just kind of did it. And thank you Tayb. It's weird to be honest, I don't particularly HATE being a guy, not that I really enjoy it either. And seeing people's stories, a lot seem to just know straight away that they want to transition. It would be so much easier if I were just happy with myself, haha. Also, there's far too many things to consider! Like how would you be able to pay for it? What would friends and family think? I know the first step is seeing your GP and getting a GID referral, but I guess I'm looking for some advice before I even think about taking a step.
GID is now known as GD, or Gender Dysphoria, just wanted to point that out =). No more "disordered" diagnoses.
"a lot seem to just know straight away that they want to transition." Really? I see far more people who really don't know and feel like you do. The people who know they need to transition are the ones who have struggled with it for ages. If you just knew 'like that' I'd be worried, it's not the kind of thing that comes out of nowhere and you just go with it! Anyway, before you start thinking about GP's, you need to figure out what's going on in your head. At the moment, you've got "I kind of wish I was female...but I don't quite hate being a guy" which is a good start for questioning, but there isn't a competent doctor in the world who would refer you for anything other than counselling if you came to him with that! You need to work out a few things first! 1. Do you have any body dysphoria - hating your current genitals, or wishing you had female genitals, that sort of thing 2. Do you feel you need to be female, or do you just not feel male...do you feel male sometimes and not others? Do you still feel male but like the idea of being female sometimes? 3. What makes you feel like you want to be female? Name some specific things that you make you feel 'it must be this way' There are lots of things you can do to test that waters so to speak...although I have to admit clothes tend to be involved for quite a few! I found the thing that opened the door for me was underwear. Cheap supermarket undies that I could wear under my normal clothes. I hated it because it felt wrong to wear them with boys clothes but it made me realise how wrong it felt to be acting like a guy.
My bad, I meant to say GIC! And I suppose, that actually makes more sense. 1. I don't hate having male genitals, but often wish I had female ones. 2. I like the idea of being female pretty much all the time. I don't feel male at all really. 3. And I'm not entirely sure, I just don't really look right. I want to look more feminine generally. But I kinda hate a lot about myself, though physique isn't really an issue. (Quite short and slender, which is nice. )
Quite a bit of what you have written seems to have come verbatim out of some of my own internal dialogues. (Which I use for introspection in lieu of a diary or the like). From what you've written, I gather that you're probably a transwoman, but could also be somewhere else towards that end of the spectrum.
I find they help, but only after I've had a long time to think about them. I used to think every day "UGH wish I could get home so I can stop pretending to be ****" but it wasn't for a few weeks I thought about what that meant...
Sorry for taking a few hours to write my reply. My internet is acting really stupid today. My internal dialogues are an introspective tool I use to help discover things about myself. I use them in a number of capacities. First off, I use these internal dialogues to help catalog my days, to fully understand the events of the day. Secondly, I use it as a tool to help myself de-stress. With them, I am able to pick apart any problems I have and simplify them, in my mind. Thirdly, I've used it while questioning to try and find out more about who, exactly, I was. When I was questioning, it was only because I was able to find a way, in my own mind to step back and objectively question and explore that I uncovered that despite my genitals and chromosomes, I was a young woman who was now not only having to contend with the usual issues of having to mature in a world where one big mistake can ruin your prospects forever, but also with trying to escape from the male body she has been given, in some cruel, cosmic mistake. I definitely suggest trying some introspection of this sort. While I have no idea how your brain works and if it will help you as it did me, I have always subscribed to the belief that a little introspection session, with proper safeguards in place, never hurt anyone. I qualify the need for safeguards because sometimes (as I know it has for me) introspection can uncover some unsavory facts about you that disgust you, or make you hate yourself. Good safeguards that I have used are to write down a bunch of positive things about yourself, to prepare a good book, movie or video game to enjoy, and/or to have someone who cares standing by, prepared to give you a monster hug.(&&&) Also, regarding your identity: Remember this: The only person who can ever have a definitively correct understanding of your gender identity, or sexual orientation, or any of that is YOU. You are the only one who is inside your head twenty-four hours a day 7 days a week. If/when you choose to see a GP, remember that there are more where they came from. If, despite your best efforts you cannot convince a specialist of who you are and what you need, and you are still absolutely sure of it, find another person to see. You are yourself, and don't let anyone else try and dictate who that person is. It is the rest of the worlds responsibility to accept you, guide you, and support you in this. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to find out who YOU are.
Ok thank you sometimebefore, not really sure how I go about doing that though! And yeah. that's true. I'd better get figuring it out! (Also sorry for the late reply, was sleeping.)
I'm considering going to my GP and seeing what happens. But I'm just way too scared to do that! Took me over a week to muster the courage to go there for a chest infection, how on Earth am I going to do this? The other thing I keep thinking is, what if this is a phase? How do I know that I'm really trans or if a while from now I don't feel the same way?
The thing about phases is they tend to die out once you are involved in them. They appeal more when it's something you haven't tried. Cross dress again and see how it feels, experiment with it. You'll know if it feels right or wrong.
No problem. By the way, if this continues to be an issue and you still aren't in a position to buy some clothes or try anything, please post some more and we'll have another think!!
