I had an interaction today that kind of sums up much of my interaction with women. I will scan them and see if they are sexually attractive in my head. If I determine that they are during this process, they will kind of be like the elephant in the room for me. I will start playing this game to look at them sexually, it is discreet and shy. I, then, seem to unconsciously start "performing" for them, in that I am engaging in a way that seems to be giving myself up to them. So, i kind of lose myself. It is a disempowering, seductive process. It's also pretty normal for me. I am becoming more aware of this thought process. Especially in how I give up my own self and point-of-view. I don't feel grounded in who I am. It's funny because when I am able to ground myself, concentrate on being me, and stop performing...I am suddenly more authentic (and powerful, and I conclude that this makes me more attractive), and i'll often look back to see if this has drawn her in to be more attracted to me. Or see if she is checking me out. I know, I know, this is strange, but stick with me. I really try my best to be grounded as possible so that this won't happen, but it is very challenging to avoid this. It also makes me feel disconnected or jumbled if/when I communicate with her. I have started to notice a new development. When I think of myself as a woman(instead of a man), then suddenly all of the jumble drops away. A feeling of guilt drops away and feel like I can look at this woman in the eye and be a normal person. I feel intuitive and strong. My confidence is at a level that I really enjoy. So as soon as I decide to change my point-of-view to being a woman, I feel normal.
