Sudden Gender Identity Crisis

Hello everyone. I stumbled across this message board and thought I'd give it a shot. So the situation is, about 3-4 weeks, its seems like out of the blue I was suddenly hit with a strange and scary gender identity crisis. The backstory is, I'm a 31 year old gay man living in L.A. who's been out for the past 8 years and I'm out to everyone in my life. I was born and raised in Texas by a single mother due to my viciously abusive and alcoholic father who abandoned us when I was 8 (pretty classic). I'm an artist by trade. Like most gay men and/or artists, I also struggle with depression, anxiety and a small form of OCD.

About a month ago, I was casually reading an article on the Huffington Post's Gay Blog section written by a man who wrote about struggling with his masculinity. At the very end of the article he suddenly talks about his decision to transition into being a woman. I was blindsided by this and left feeling uncomfortable because for the majority of the article, I related to what he spoke of in many ways.

Now I've been seeing a therapist for several months now for numerous issues; depression, anxiety, OCD, low self esteem, etc. all which subsequently run in my family. Therapy has been going really well and I'd begun to really start feeling better about myself and my therapist has on several occasions used the term, "thawing out". However, the uncomfortable feeling I got after reading that article lingered and because I am such an extremely anxious and analytical person (I'm constantly in my head) I began to worry and stress and literally make myself ill from all the bombarding thoughts regarding my gender that have suddenly begun to run through my mind. This is the most concerning part--before this, I had never had these thoughts or worries.

Like many gay men, as a child I gravitated at times toward more "girlish" activities, I avoided sports, and the majority of my friends were girls which at times would lead to ridicule and mild bullying but I was never really raised to feel immense shame for being gay. My family wasn't religious and despite growing up an extremely conservative community, I was pretty much loved and supported by everyone around me. I did however continue to grow up, especially after puberty, having a strong desire to be more masculine, more attractive, stronger, taller, more "straight", etc. due to a strong sense of inferiority and powerlessness. Accepting I was gay was much harder for me than it should have been because I would tell myself it was a phase or that I was simply admiring and envying the other guys around me.

As I said, I am completely out yet this desire and feeling to be more masculine has continued to this day (part of why I'm in therapy) and it has wreaked havoc on my self esteem...that and simply being a gay man in L.A. Subsequently, I have always had a strong dislike of effeminate gay men, drag queens, gay stereotypes and the majority of gay culture...The majority of my friends now are straight and when I'm treated like one of the guys, I enjoy it. To be honest, there were many times after coming out where I would still wish I was straight.

My issue I suppose is, I'm struggling with this now. It seems so sudden and out of place. I've mentioned it to my therapist who's been extremely supportive but so far neither one of us is convinced that this is really an issue and that this is something he sees often in his gay patients. Part of me thinks that maybe this "thawing" period that he speaks of is me exploring and finally accepting my feminine side which obviously we all have and is probably stronger than I ever wanted to admit. At times, I'm not bothered by that possibility at all but the physical sensations of anxiety and stress remain which only stirs up doubt. I've never desired to wear women's clothing or have a woman's body, I've never imagined myself in the future as a woman--I don't even find the female form attractive but then I get worked up and my mind spirals out of control and I begin picturing what all that would be like...but it never makes me happy. I manage to collect myself and really think about who I am and what I want but the truth is, I have no idea right now.

I've shared a lot and I don't know if this is something any of you have insight into but anything you can offer up would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

---------- Post added 8th Dec 2013 at 09:58 PM ----------

I forgot to mention, and I'm not sure if it matters but I, my therapist and my best friend have openly discussed several times the probability of me having a mild - severe case of body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphia is surprisingly common in men, especially gay men apparently. For a better example, I will look at myself in the mirror and I will see skinny and gangly arms, love handles, excess weight...an overall weak physique however, when I vent this, people tell me I'm "crazy."

 

Thank you both for your responses. Now obviously, I don't know you two. I don't know the workings of your lives or your minds and I only have what you've shared to go off of but my question is, primarily for you SWAGboy, how can one single event such as wearing women's clothes suddenly lead you to believe your female? I'm not trying to be combative, I'm genuinely curious.

And in regards to the dressing up aspect, I've worn makeup before for theatre or Halloween and I'm positive I've worn women's clothes and underwear as a goof once or twice in my past. I've also spent a lot of time visualizing women's clothes the past few days but again, I get no real satisfaction out of it. It doesn't seem fun or comforting. I guess you could say there's a slight envy because women have so many more means to express themselves through fashion than men do but that does seem to be changing these days.

The whole thing leaves me asking myself, "Do I just have an appreciation for fashion and style? Do I just have an extremely overactive imagination?" For the record, I've had both the majority of my life.