I really want to open the door, but can't figure out how. I'm just getting more and more frustrated with people always expecting me to be a guy. For years, it seems like I've been basically being shoved in a mold that doesn't fit. I know my parents have sorta noticed that my hair has gradually been getting longer ever since I have been in charge of getting it cut sometime when I was in high school. Before that, it was always in a buzz cut. I can't bring myself to tell them that the way I really would like my hair is a somewhat feminine hairstyle, with long flowing locks down to the middle of my back. I want these holidays to be over, as well. I don't really want anything for Christmas, and my mom keeps threatening to get me socks and underwear if I don't tell her something I want. I don't think I could handle getting guys underwear, it's too triggering, and I'm not out to any family. I've been feeling more and more dysphoria down south, and with masculine secondary characteristics. I wish I could be totally rid of this facial and body hair. I'm starting to get claustrophobic in here, it feels like the walls are closing in.
Aww *Hugs* It can be really tough coming to terms with your gender identity, I know that I personally am having a wretched time. However, they say that things do get better eventually so keep holding out for a better life and eventually things will improve What actions do you think could improve your life?
I know how you feel. I settled on a nice list of perfectly gender neutral christmas items for my mom this year - mostly assorted books and video games. While I also don't really want anything, I don't want to be surprised with something like a pair of heels or makeup on Christmas morning. Yesterday was my birthday actually, and she gave me two tops - one awkward clingy sweater that I tried on and immediately got the impression that I might actually wear, if I had slimmer thighs and a flat chest, and a very soft plaid button down with elbow patches, which while it's very much something I like is not something I can too easily wear because it's got, in my mom's words, "a very girly cut", with some sort of elastic cinching on the back that I find uncomfortable because I prefer my (girly) shirts a little loose. Before I opened them up she told me I could exchange them if they didn't fit or I didn't like them and she wouldn't be offended, but exchanging gifts stresses me out because I feel like I wasted her time, since she picked them out for me. I exchanged most of my christmas gifts last year, and I'm afraid of having to do it all again. I don't know if I'm more nervous about what my mom might buy me, or what I might get from my extended family members. They have a history of buying me things I don't really have a use for, whether it's the "obligatory girl gift" (defined by me just now as something like a makeup kit, or a little purse of some kind), or the well-intentioned-object-that-i-enjoy-aesthetically-but-not-practically. Anyway, to get to the point - you're not alone. If you ever need to rant or want to chat, especially during this stressful time of year, I'm here. Maybe we can figure out how to peek out of these closets. (*hug*)
(*hug*) Do you think you could ask for a prepaid gift card/coupon for some particular shop? So that you could spend it on something you really like? Do you think you will be able to come out eventually?
My mom doesn't like doing "gift card christmas" And, I think the door might have been locked from the other side. Or, I've lost the key around here somewhere... Maybe I can beat the door down somehow...
Maybe do the little things they could notice. Like wearing something feminine, reading books for girls (for them to see, and obviously only if you are interested) etc. And if they ask, tell them that it makes you feel nicer and more comfortable. You can mention that you are thinking about changing your name (if you are), and keep saying "It makes me more comfortable" they will probably accept that just like they accepted your hair. And you can slowly change in front of their eyes. When you decide to come out they hopefully tell you, oh, I am not surprised, you were always so feminine....
