My genderqueer friend "cis-shames" me

What are they exactly saying to shame cis-gender people?

 

I see well you could try and sit down with them individually and try to rationalize with them and tell them how it hurts you when they do that but if they cant do that then You might want to start distancing yourself away from them since they are not respecting you. You could always turn it around and tell them how they would not like you making fun of them of what they identify as so they would understand you better.

 

It sounds like your friend's been spending too much time on tumblr. They sound insensitive. I don't mean to be a jerk, but I can't stand people that forget that people are first and foremost human. I agree, if you can't seem to get your friend to realise how they're acting, maybe you should slowly distance yourself. All that venom can't be good for you.

 

Yeah, I used to know a lot of people like this when I was still on Tumblr. And it's a mindset I just can't get behind. Sure, I can understand a lot of people may feel a bit bitter about cispeople but it's petty and stupid to be lambasting someone for being part of a majority. How does anyone expect to have allies if you shut them down and act like they're the idiots for not understanding?

I don't think you're in the wrong here. As you've said, you sound like you've done everything to be the best ally possible.

As I've come to believe, just because it comes from the minority doesn't mean stereotyping and hatred's okay.

Just tell them you've tried to be supportive and you don't appreciate them lumping you in and stereotyping you.

 

Ask your friend how you can be that much more privileged than her when you are a lesbian woman in a patriarchal world.

 

@OP Your friend is making a complete ass of themselves. You don't have to take that kind of talk from them. They are no better than the same kind of people they are talking about.

I'd try to point out their own hypocrisy of stereotyping the people that they claim to stereotype and oppress them.

Being genderqueer doesn't automatically give your friend the right to be an A hole. You have every right to call your friend out on this.

In all likely hood though, they are probably just in a bitter state and nothing you say will help them. This is something they need to work out on their own, IMHO.

 

But drwinchester, we don't need no stinkin allies! We can make it on our own by shutting out the cishet population and their oppressive position in society! Why do we need people outside of the community to prove we're not crazy anyway, we should be able to shout "die cis scum" from the high heavens and still climb the social ladder to a position of being regarded as equal human beings! :rolle:

In all seriousness, that is the point to drive home - stereotyping and hatred is no less ugly when it's coming from the stereotyped and hated. If you want to get angry and make change, you need to go about it the right way - and tumblr's sjw's are so not doing anything for progress. I won't be surprised if this toxic mindset that people like this have sets us back a few more decades, to be honest.

OP, you sound like a fantastic ally to the trans community, and for that I thank you. I really am sorry your friend is behaving like this.

 

Frankly you should point out that basically all the other trans people you know think that your friend is a complete knob...see what she says to that!

 

Your "friend" sounds like an ignorant twat.

 

I agree with everything that's already been said here.

 

I'm just glad that these types of people are mostly on Tumblr, and not here.

Tumblr's crazy. Most of the trans/genderqueer people there don't know what they're doing. At all. And almost all of them (Tumblr in general, actually) are ridiculously left wing. Maybe even Soviet Russia level left wing if they're crazy enough.

Anyways, this is not any way to treat someone just because they're in the majority.
What kind of hypocritical bullshit is that?

 

I know some people that do this IRL. Honestly, it annoys the hell out of me. If all trans* people were like this, then we would not be getting anywhere because cis people would think that we are all jerks.

I agree with what others have said here. I would try to talk to your friend, and if that does not work, then I would try to distance yourself from them. It's not right for your friend to treat you like they are treating you.

 

Yeah, I much prefer Reddit's trans communities. More my speed and you don't have a hundred people typing in lowercase, saying HRT should be handed out like candy and gender = the color of your shirt.

I mean, I'm sort of left wing myself but as I've kind of left Tumblr, my political views have softened. I guess I'm still left wing but I'm tired of the whole "damn right wingers" thing. Every side has their idiots. And I'm pretty sure any side that claims the other is statistically more likely to have lower IQ's just grasping for straws.

In short, I've left Tumblr and I'm far from missing it. Everything good about it, I can get from Reddit and Facebook.

But it's hard to argue with SJWs over gender- You tell them it's just as bad to be saying "die cisscum" as it is for cispeople to yell the likewood and you get something like "Check your privilege- We're the minority so we have an innate right to fight against the majority who have systematic checks and balances to make sure Mighty Whitey Cis-Man stays in power." No... Everyone just needs to stop being an asshole. You'd think the biggest problem these people had is that they can't shop for glasses without being directed to one side of the shop- not that we have wage differences, high rates of violence against us, and low media reginition.

 

qft.

 

Yeah, was gonna say.

My personal mantra is frankly to try to treat everyone I come across with the same level of basic respect, equally, although sometimes I may fail: and I think that actually a majority of people (a very small majority, possibly) behave in a similar way. In some senses I think that human perception can be quite easily distorted. All it takes is one guy to be an asshole to you in the morning, and you can think about it for the rest of the day and forget the hundreds of people who behave perfectly normally to you. I think where I'm trying to go with this, is, trans* people can be highly critical, in light of cis folks, and act like assholes to them simply because they've had a hard time with a specific cis person and want to take their anger out on all other cis people because of that one specific interaction.

Fuck, if I were an asshole to all cis people I know, I wouldn't have anyone. And some of the most supportive people I have in my life are cisgender. Sure, it can be frustrating having to explain ourselves to people who can't comprehend it at times, but that gives no excuse to be a twat at all times to everyone simply because they're not trans.

I'm sorry your friend is being an asshole. You're definitely respectable, and I'm lost as to why they consistently bash you and consistently make sweeping accusations, especially when you're obviously very supportive. I think it would be best to slowly distance yourself from this person if they seemingly can't understand why their words are hurtful, and aren't beneficial in the least.

 

Dose your friend know that they are hurting your feelings? Have you told them about how you feel and they just dismiss it? They sound rather mean, but to give them the benefit of the doubt they might not know how mean they are being. It's kind of common for people who have been picked on not to realize when things switch and they become the bully.

 

I know people like this and they really get on my nerves. I know that I new to this world, so my opinion can be taken with a grain of salt, but this irks me to no end.

There is one person who I used to get dinner with, with my "dinner group" from class, (mind you they were not a part of my class)
and they were the only noncisperson at dinner and they would cisbash during the middle of dinner. This made it horribly awkward because I felt and still do, that I do have a place to say anything because I am so new to this world. Because of this I have distanced myself from the PRIDE and Trans*formers group.

 

Okay, I mostly agree with what's been said already, with one little thought left over.

If your friend is demonizing you personally for being cisgender, that is shitty and rude.

If your friend is saying something like 'cis people do this to trans* people and it's awful and wrong and it makes me pissed off and I'm speaking up about it' then they are within their rights to do so. They distinctly lack a privilege only given to cis people and that is painful and detrimental to their well being every day. And you have that privilege, whether you like it or not. Not that I'm saying that people should just be rude and hurtful to people with privilege. Not at all. (I get feeling that way towards privileged people, I do. It's tough to be discriminated against on a personal and institutional level. I do think that that is enough to cause hate and that's understandable to me, but I digress...)

I'm saying you can't expect them to talk about cisprivilege and always make sure to add that of course you don't do this or but not you, you're a good cis person! That makes a conversation about trans* issues into something about you, a cis person, and your feelings, when it really should about about trans* people, because damn near everything in the world is about cis people already. I do think allies need to be mindful of this. If you are being a good ally, your friends will know it and you can consider yourself to be working with the cause. It's a you-know-who-you-are kind of thing. Expecting constant reassurance that you're still okay even though you already have the privilege involved is not cool ally behavior. They get to be mad about being a disenfranchised, underrepresented, discriminated against group. It's not really your place to tell them not to be pissed off. (For example, I have white privilege. When my friends who are people of color are pissed off at white people for xyorz, to be a good ally, I try not to tell them how to feel about racism and white privilege. I try to not seek reassurance from them that I'm still good, and instead prove that I am by fighting racism. I try to listen to what they have to say about it, because my privilege allows me to ignore this issue if I want to so I know a lot less about it than they do, etc.)

In short,

If the issue here really is about your friend being mean directly to you (and it very well could be, I don't know you or your friend), then that is rude and not cool friendship stuff that you should discuss with them.

If it's about being upset that your friend is making generalizations about a group of people in power over them or you don't care for their tone (tone policing), then that's on you to work out, not them. Again, if this is the case, it does not make you a bad person. I fuck up all the time, and when I do, I listen to what others tell me and try to be better. It's the mark of a true ally that we listen and learn from our mistakes.