I've had the topic of gender on my mind for about a year and a half now. It's something that I just keep on returning to. I feel like I could be genderqueer, or at least not 100% female, although I'm not exactly comfortable with the word genderqueer, but the concept itself kind-of resonates with me. I know that I do have a female part of my identity, and it's something that makes up a rather large part of my identity, but it still feels like something else is "lurking" in the background, if that makes any sense (perhaps another part of my gender identity that is not male or female but is more non-binary?)? Female pronouns aren't too bad, but I think that I would prefer the singular they over them. Heck, I even prefer male pronouns if you catch me at a certain time. As a child, I can remember times where I would mentally refer to myself using "he" and I really wanted to be mistaken for a boy and to be called sir or handsome or such. Sometimes I still have this experience, although it doesn't happen all that often, and I don't identify as wholly male during these times. I also have some pretty bad problems with my chest area. I only recognized these problems for what they truly were about a year ago, and since that time I toyed with the idea of binding my chest, and have since finally snapped and have ordered a binder. My chest really bothers me and I often unconsciously slouch forward to make them not as prominent, and this has been a habit for as long as I can remember. My hips bother me as well, but to a lesser degree. All-in-all, I think that I would prefer a body that was more gender-neutral rather than the feminine way that it is. I don't really identify with the words woman or man. I also don't feel very good about words like girl, ma'am, lady, boy etc. I think I would prefer to be referred to as gender-neutral counterparts of these words like person or such. I don't feel gender-neutral, of course, but they make me feel better. Honestly, I just wanted to write down all my thoughts on a forum such as this, because I've never done it before. I'd like to hear what you all thought about this. Is it possible that I could be genderqueer?
I think the perfect word that goes with the post is androgynous because you identify as neither of the two genders. In my case, Identified myself as androgynous for a while but that was transitional for me as I figured out that I identify myself more as female than male. For instance my voice is considered androgynous because over the phone I could sound feminine or masculine. In terms of physical I used to be morbidly obese but I lost 124 pounds. So now that I lost all that weight. I realized though I am a male. I have thick legs and hips. I can easily contour my body to shape myself as a woman. Which made my transition from androgynous to female very easy. But enough about me. But emotionally how do you feel?
Wow. I just joined this site today, and as I started browsing posts and wondering what I would say in my first post, I discovered that you've written the exact phrase I was going to use to describe myself: "something else is lurking in the background." In my case, I am biologically male and basically identify myself as male, but as time goes on I am more and more aware of there being more to me. I have not really put a word to it yet, so for now I just call myself "gender-restless." I am quite comfortable when people identify "female" characteristics in me, even though I am also quite comfortable being referred to as "he." I can relate to the contradictions you find in yourself, like not feeling gender-neutral but welcoming gender-neutral language about yourself. So far, I am content to not worry about where I fit into a pre-set list of "categories" about gender and simply try to come up with my own description of who I am. (if I ever figure that out! lol) We're both new to this forum, so here's hoping that we both find it helpful on our journeys. Happy New Year.
