My entire life I’ve lived as a male. At times “the boy” might have felt like a shield I wore to keep others out or to protect my secret, but now that he’s losing ground, I’m having an identity crisis. I’ve always known I was hiding this part of me and in that hiding, I’ve never had a chance to figure out who I am. In my journal the question “who the F* am I?” appears on just about every page and under different dates. Part of the issue is that, with the exception of one friend, no one in my life knows who I am so I have to continue living this charade for now. I have all the same doubts and uncertainties that others have regarding coming out, but this is something else. As I explore this new identity I’m not sure how my personality changes. I do notice a difference in my demeanor when I’m talking to my friend or therapist, so maybe that’s it? I’m much more open about my feelings and I let my guard down because I don’t have to worry about being found out. Will this continue to manifest as I'm out to more people? Does the development of a new identity that incorporates this hidden side with my fundamental nature (i.e. beliefs, hobbies, likes/dislikes) take time in the same way the slow process of change during transition takes time? When do the two meet? Is there a shift when you start living more and more as yourself? Maybe you’ve allowed that side of you out of shed over the years, but I have not and now I’m not sure how.
Yeah, when I came out to myself? I was able to relax, kind of learn who I was. And I think through the process, I've gotten to the point where I no longer want to change me- just my body to match how I see myself. I'm awkward. Nerdy. Bit of a dork. Weird sense of humor. Quiet. But I wouldn't change who I am for anything- I like him. I felt like I was a different person for everyone I came across. To my family, I became Betty Crocker. For my friends, I was a quiet book worm. For the world, abrasive. As I'm becoming myself, I'm becoming one person to the world. My advice? Don't feel like you have to be someone else. Or conform to a gender stereotype or scene. You're transitioning to BE yourself and she doesn't have to change for anyone.
If you try and imagine somebody else for a moment, someone you've known all your life...lets saaaaaay your best friend Gordon. (You have a best friend Gordon now, just so you know). Since you met Gordon, he's been shy and pretty much kept himself to himself. Never really showed much interest in anything, even if he really liked it. Had some hobbies and really got into them but was never that keen on trying to explain them to others. He's always had fairly low self esteem, hated talking about his feelings because he thought nobody else cared. For a while he made out that he didn't actually HAVE feelings, so he didn't have to worry about it. He kind of closed himself off for a while. He's always been kind of anti-social unless you've known him for years, new people might get a 'hey' when they walk past, but not much else. But this morning, when you met Gordon for your weekly game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey-kong he seemed like a new person. He was really excited because his cousin was coming to visit, he's not seen him in AGES, you know? He asked if you wanted to come to his amateur taxidermy class, he got really excited about the idea, he told you all about how Jenny, you know, the girl who smiled at him once, accidentally got a fish stuck on her arm while she was prepping it. You had to be there. Just before you go to leave, he gives you a hug, and starts to sob. He tells you that he's really worried that nobody will ever love him. He tells you all these feelings he has. You imagine that change happening to someone else in one day. It'd be fucking CRAZY, right? Now imagine all that stuff just fell away all at once, and suddenly you are like this super open person, totally social and great. You're confident and talkative and feeling fine! Everyone's gonna think you've taken something. Something that can't POSSIBLY be legal. Heck you'd probably think the same!! That's why finding yourself takes time. Bit by bit you get used to this idea that the things you were worried about before, actually aren't a problem now. The more people that know, the less people you have to worry about. It does take time, but damn does it feel good. That first time you realise that you can make that comment that you previously had to hold in because it was 'something a girl would say' is amazing. My friends started pointing out things I started doing that felt completely natural to me, I didn't even think about it, but they were all amazed at how animated I became compared to usual. It'll come in time
Thanks drwinchester (MASH ref?). I play roles (well not Betty Crocker--yet ;-) to different people in my life. I do like lots about me, so keeping those good things is important. Wow ElliaOtaku. You nailed it. As I was reading that I felt like you were talking about me. Gordon=Me. Your understanding and explanation really hit home. Thank you both!
Wow, you do amateur taxidermy?! But seriously, I'm glad it helped It does get easier, the more people that know the more opportunities you have to discover yourself.
