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Brother Drama

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ChloeRM, Dec 22, 2013.

  1. ChloeRM

    Regular Member

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    My brother and I grew up as enemies. He is only 1 year older than me, and until he moved away to college and I moved out of state, we totally hated each other. I was the band/drama geek, he was the jock/bully type. When he had his first child, things started getting more civil between us, with our 30's approaching it felt great to finally have become friends. Our friendship turned genuine when I had my daughter. Now both fathers & husbands, for the first time in my life, I feel like a really have a brother.

    When I sat him down and told him I'm transgender, he initially said "you're my brother and I love you no matter what, just take care of your family". I am...I'm already out to nearly everybody I interact with on a daily basis except him, and life is going along just fine. He was the last on my "needs to know" list, mostly because I knew he'd be the hardest to tell.

    One week later, I get a Facebook message from him essentially disowning me. "We can't allow our children to witness this"..."You will tear the family apart"..."Mom & Dad aren't okay with this, no matter what they say"..."This should have been done years ago, before you had kids"...it got worse.

    it was awful.

    I don't know what to do. I'm so wrecked with sadness over his flip-flopping, hateful reversal of opinion I can't think. I know he's just scared to death, lashing out etc...but I don't know whether to try and beg him for acceptance or just say "we were never close anyway, screw him".

    Somebody with experience in brother drama PLEASE chime in. Also, if I decide to educate him on what it means to be transgender, what are some good sites I could link for him, as my sibling?
     
  2. BookDragon

    Full Member

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    Don't do either of those things. You don't want to cut him out, that much is obvious, and cutting him out because of something that is HIS problem is just going to hurt you. Having said that, don't you even THINK about begging for acceptance.

    Acceptance of who you are isn't something he should be gracious enough to grant you, it's something he should be doing to fit into the category of 'decent human being'.

    Now you are right, he is probably scared to death. He's probably never thought about it, has no idea how he's going to explain it to his kids or anybody else. He probably finds it really weird. If you weren't close until recently then he's going to also have to deal with the fact that he got to know you, became friends and to him it seems like it was all a lie.

    Ignore his comments about your parents, it won't help you to dwell on them, but if you must, speak directly to them and don't mention him at all.

    As for him, try and talk to him. You can try and explain to him, help him understand. BUT don't try and force it. If he resists, try another time. Make sure he knows that YOU want to stay close, that your relationship means something to YOU. Basically make it damn clear that if anyone is ending things it will be him.

    I can probably look for some websites, but it would be useful to find out what his issues are first. No point finding you a website with information about WHY people have gender dysphoria if his key concern is telling his children, you know? We can target his problems but we need to know what they are.

    In the end, all you can do is make sure he knows you still want a relationship with him and that he knows this is a good thing for you, and can be for everyone else too.
     
  3. Kasey

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    My brother and I have a strained relationship for other reasons than what we normally discuss here. No way would I ever tell him anything about me like that.

    I had a blowout with his girlfriend and he did nothing to support me (or even her) during our argument.
     
  4. Young Gun

    Young Gun Guest

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    I don't really know what to say...
     
  5. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Remember that you've been dealing with this for a long time, and it's new to him. IT probably took you quite some time to process and accept yourself, and he (and your parents) will also take time to understand and accept it.

    There are stages that everyone goes through when they process a loss (in this case, the "loss" of the sibling/child of the sex they thought they had and the acceptance of reality.) The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    It's likely that the first response you saw was essentially denial ("You're my brother") and over the ensuing days, as he thought about it, the next response, which would be expected, would be anger, and the sort of response you're describing is entirely consistent with that.

    Another piece to remember is... straight guys, particulary the jock types, generally don't do emotions well. Not only are straight men in general raised to minimize and avoid emotions, but playing sports reinforces the idea that feelings (and vulnerability in general) is weakness, and to be avoided at all cost. So when he confronts something like this, what he's really feeling is a profound sense of loss/grief/overwhelming feelings he is probably unfamiliar with, and unequipped to handle and process. But since he's unable to process that, the only way he knows how, the only emotion he's been taught is acceptable, is anger. And the Facebook messages you got are exactly that.

    So the bad news is, there's no immediate solution other than to let him process the emotions and feelings. The good news is... given that you'd developed a good relationship prior to all of this, he undoubtedly knows that and misses that, and over time, as he's able to process his feelings, he will likely come around. Whether that takes a week, a month, or a year... it's hard to say, but I can say, with a pretty high degree of certainty, that most likely he'll eventually be OK with it, and you'll be able to rebuild the relationship.