Hey everyone, I thought I'd put this out there to get some insight from the collective group. Sorry for it being so long but I wanted to clarify the situation. So the situation is this, about 2 months ago, its seems like out of the blue I was suddenly hit with a strange and scary gender identity crisis. The backstory is, I'm a 31 year old gay man living in L.A. who is out for the past 8 years and I'm out to everyone in my life. I was born and raised in Texas by a single mother due to my viciously abusive and alcoholic father who abandoned us when I was 8 (pretty classic). I'm an artist by trade. Like most gay men and/or artists, I also struggle with depression, anxiety and a small form of OCD. About 2 months ago, I was casually reading an article on the Huffington Post's Gay Blog section written by a man who wrote about struggling with his masculinity. At the very end of the article he suddenly talks about his decision to transition into being a woman. I was blindsided by this and left feeling uncomfortable because for the majority of the article, I related to what he spoke of in many ways. Now I've been seeing a therapist for about 6 months for numerous issues; depression, anxiety, OCD, low self esteem, etc. all which subsequently run in my family. Therapy has been going really well and I'd begun to really start feeling better about myself and my therapist has on several occasions used the term, "thawing out". However, the uncomfortable feeling I got after reading that article lingered and because I am such an extremely anxious and analytical person (I'm constantly in my head) I began to worry and stress and literally make myself ill from all the bombarding thoughts regarding my gender that have suddenly begun to run through my mind. This is the most concerning part--before this, I had never had these thoughts or worries. Like many gay men, as a child I gravitated at times toward more "girlish" activities, I avoided sports, and the majority of my friends were girls which at times would lead to ridicule and mild bullying but I was never really raised to feel immense shame for being gay. My family wasn't religious and despite growing up an extremely conservative community, I was pretty much loved and supported by my family. I did however continue to grow up, especially after puberty, having a strong desire to be more masculine, more attractive, more stylish, more "straight" due to a strong sense of inferiority. Accepting I was gay was much harder for me than it should have been because I would tell myself it was a phase or that I was simply admiring and envying the other guys around me. As I said, I am completely out yet this desire and feeling that has continued to this day (part of why I'm in therapy) and it has wreaked havoc on my self esteem...that and simply being a gay man in L.A. Subsequently, I have always had a strong dislike of effeminate gay men, drag queens, gay stereotypes and the majority of gay culture...The majority of my friends now are straight and when I'm treated like one of the guys, I enjoy it. To be honest, there were many times after coming out where I would still wish I was straight. My issue I suppose is, I'm struggling with this now. It seems so sudden and out of place. I've mentioned it to my therapist who's been extremely supportive but so far neither one of us is convinced that this is really an issue and that this is something he sees often in his gay patients. Part of me thinks that maybe this "thawing" period that he speaks of is me exploring and finally accepting my feminine side which obviously we all have and is probably stronger than I ever wanted to admit. At times, I'm not bothered by that possibility at all but the physical sensations of anxiety and stress remain which only stirs up doubt. I've never desired to wear women's clothing or have a woman's body, I've never imagined myself in the future as a woman--I don't even find the female form attractive but then I get worked up and my mind spirals out of control and I begin picturing what all that would be like...but it never makes me happy. I manage to collect myself and really think about who I am and what I want but the truth is, I have no idea right now. I've shared a lot and I don't know if this is something you have insight into but anything you can offer up would be greatly appreciated. -Chris
Hey there buddy, I don't really have any advice but what I can say is that I can relate you on so many levels with regards to this. I am a gay man, well I thought I was, and I grew up with no issues being male, I never hated it or anything, I liked it when I first grew chest hair and when I got hairy legs, I like (or liked) when I was accepted by other men and treated like a mate and called "buddy" and stuff like that But then me and my friends planned to go to a party as the spice girls and I tried on my costume alone in my room and afterwards I started to think that I was trans and it completely shook up my world and has been destroying me ever since. I can also relate to the not liking overly girly gay men and I find drag queens and stuff a bit crude. Also I am not into anal sex, particularly bottoming which I find horrid and I find rimming gross too, I don't think I could ever do it to someone. The thought that I am trans has been on my mind ever since and sometimes when I see hot girls on music videos and stuff I think "I want to be like that" or something like that and it scares the crap out of me. I can't handle my trans truth :'(
Well, I found myself struggling with my unique identity around my 20s and only now am I coming to grips with it. There are people twice my age who are just figuring it out, so don't feel bad. Look at it this way. You don't have to be transsexual to be transgender/pangender/gender neutral. Do what makes YOU happy and comfortable. I personally want to have the outward appearance of a female but still be male "on the inside" and that sort of bothered me, but I always knew. I just accepted it and like myself. I say that with all truthfulness.
Kasey, when you say "be male on the inside" what exactly do you mean? SWAGboy, my question for you is, and its not to negate what you're going through, but what makes you think that wearing women's clothes suddenly makes your transgender? Obviously, I've been thinking and thinking and thinking about all this for weeks now and I'm such a neurotic person by nature that I over analyze everything to the point where I feel numb and apathetic toward the original question. I will see an attractive woman on tv or in public and I'll suddenly take notice of her but I'm never quite sure if its admiration or attraction that I'm experiencing in those moments. I've spent my life desiring to look and feel more masculine and at times, when I feel feminine on the inside, it bothers me but I wonder sometimes if its not so much that I feel feminine but that I've associated that feeling or rather the other way around with the feelings of awkwardness and inferiority. That's not to say I view women as inferior. I was raised by women and have great respect for women and enjoy their company. I've just never had the desire to be a woman. Like many gay men, there were female characters that I enjoyed or admired growing up (Dorothy from the Golden Girls, Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women, Roseanne, Maleficent, etc.) but I admired their strength and the power they commanded, not their bodies or their wardrobes. One thing that I know about myself that I need to work on is, I tend to see things in a very "Black and White" manner when I know that the majority of the world exists in the Grey areas. Its something I'm trying to work on.
I don't mean to confuse you any more but do you feel that you want to look and feel more masculine because that is who want to be or do you think it is who you would rather be? If you say your way of seeing things is very black and white, is there a possibility you think being a feminine man is in the grey areas that you don't permit? I'm just saying because I am finding my 'black and white' view of gender a struggle.
Well, I like the female form, and particularly would like to be one. However I want to retain my typically male characteristics, like love of violent video games and movies as well as being defensive of others and stuff. I know it's hard to explain but that's my dream, to be a female externally but a male mentally and emotionally for the most part. See it is a matter of aesthetics for me I guess.
@Kasey You did and thank you for sharing. Not to generalize but it kind of sounds like you're just an awesome straight girl, hahaha. I know a lot of guys who'd love you. As for me, like I said, I'm constantly in my head and my mind is continuously running. I find a moment of peace and then something will trigger the questioning thoughts. I can't help but shake the feeling though that this all has to do with the feminine portion of my personality, in some form or another.
