maybe I made a mistake maybe I didn't?

Well at work...my neighbor Kelly and I were having a conversation. She asked me what I got as a pea dispensers for Christmas at work. She asked me if I got a princess. Im like huh what it was 9am In the morning and I wasn't fully awake. She wasn't being rude she was asking me a question I'm like

Me: what I'm a princess?
Kelly: yeah of course. No, that's not what I said.
Me: what do you mean?
Kelly: I got a princess pez despenser. What did you get?
Me: oh I got the joker from bat man.

Then later I emailed her and I asked her
me: what did you mean by that princess comment?
Kelly: well let me ask you? Are you gay? Please dont be offended.
me: this is not easy for me to say but please promise me you wont tell anyone.
I made her pinky swear me.
Kelly: I promise I won't tell anyone.
Me: I identify myself as female....then I told her a summary of myself discovery. i told her that is my deepest secret.
kelly: now I understand you better. I know its not easy my brother is gay. But trust me its always best to remain. True to yourself and not lie to yourself. The only thing I ask is that you be true and not lie to yourself. She was very understanding. I think because of that we might get along better. But I dont know ill give her the benefit of the doubt. Since my whole family knows my situation. Im so nervous about christmas. I just want to drink myself drunk. Sorry I just venting. Im very scared about tomorrow...

 

Okay, so this is what went down on Christmas eve: Yes, i got pretty hammered but i was still in control and very quiet. I spent my time drinking alone until one of my cousins went into the room where i was at and we had a conversation. Thankfully, he's was the right person i needed to talk to. I filled him in on the latest that i came out to my mom and my brother and i came out to my dad through my mom and dad wasn't happy. That in the future i plan on becoming female. Well we discussed a lot of things. So when i begin phase 2 in January, i have a few goals in mind. Mind you, i was drunk but i still remember what i had discussed.

Phase 1: I needed to identify myself because i was too old to be wondering and being lost. I needed to tell my parents about who i really am.

Result: Mom was VERY accepting...dad and my brother. Not too much. But i was beginning to accept who i am. I am no longer saying or thinking hateful things about myself.

Phase 2: Beginning in January with my new therapist.

Goals:
1. To be financially stable so i can move out my parents house.
2. To be more private and not too trusting with people i meet in person. To be a little private.
3. Act more responsible.
4. Begin the process of loving myself more so that way i can learn to love someone else on a real level.
5. (Newest Goal after talking to my cousin) I need to learn about myself on a sexual level to know what are my sexual needs. To explore this side of myself which i never really delve into.
6. Save money so i can store a vial of sperm so i can have kids in the future.

Other than that i ended up with some cool gifts.

I ended up getting so hammered that i went to sleep at 1 am and i woke up at 9am made breakfast and helped my parents clean up and begin making food to the secret santa exchange with my extended family today. I am now tired and ready for bed. I apologize to the person i was pair up with for not messaging her as much as she needed to because. This Christmas might be my last with my parents considering my plans to move out so i wanted to be as helpful as possible.

Phase 3: Immediately after phase two, i will begin HRT treatment.